Alliance, NE—An unprecedented and quite artistic wave of fecal designs are now dotting the midwestern landscape.  These titanic turds are part of an unexplained phenomenon known as ‘crap circles.’  Unsure of the precise cause, scientists have not ruled out extra terrestrial fecal matter (ETFM).  Local art communities describe the sacred mounds as Fart-Deco.  Could these be the same shitting stars locals are now spotting across the night sky with increasing irregularity?  A total of seventeen such post-intestinistic displays have thus far been discovered. Most of these circular poo piles (CPPs) are located in the corn fields surrounding Alliance, NE. 

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute & Lube, is calling these events Close Encounters of the Number 2 kind.  The aged archeologist believes the site’s proximity to Carhenge, a Stonehenge replica created from old cars, is no coincidence.

"Carhenge is an ancient structure that holds unknown energies," said Hogbein of the 1987 constructed sculpture. "It’s also one of the few Midwestern tourist oddities that can be seen from space—er, well, very low space," corrected Hogbein.  "This makes it a great intergalactic restroom of sorts."

Hogbein posits that the deposits originate beyond our solar septic system and, perhaps, some alien race is aiming for Carhenge like a cosmic bull’s-eye.

"Regardless, it lends credence to Hawkins recent statements about avoiding contact with aliens," said Hogbein.  "He, in particular, would have a hard time getting out of the way of one of these plummeting brown beauties." 

Washington, DC--A new controversial pill is on the market today that is so irresponsible and frivolous it's bound to be covered by Obamacare. Sometimes you just want to drug some one or another, be it chick, guy, chick-guy, or barnyard animal. Sure, you want to boink the babeage, but who needs the hassle of 18 years of child support? So, what's a horny-criminal minded to do? Well, Johnson & Swollen Johnson is at it again with a new product line that is surely aimed to please. Xrapeabortz will knock her out without knocking her up! It's a win win for all.

A recent study suggests Xrapeabortz works better than placebo. As a matter of fact, placebo woke up feeling a little sore the next morning. Side effects may include a10-15 year prison sentence, dry mouth, and someones’ breakfast and/or cab fare. Stop living in the shadows. Well, actually, stay in the shadows or you might be identified. What are you waiting for? Ask your probation officer if Xrapeabortz is right for you.

Paris, FR—Paris Hilton was arrested last night after French police conducted a strip search of the debutante in the French capital last night.  The Hilton family heiress was, according to French police, hiding a large quantity of cocaine in her person.

When asked what a baggie of cocaine was doing lodged in her privates, Hilton responded, "That’s not mine.  The vagina is in mine, sure, but I haven’t been up there myself in some time."   She then added, "I have people for that."

French police were also highly offended by where Paris Hilton chose to insert a sizeable replica of the Eiffel Tower.

"Oh, that," said Hilton, "I think I picked that up at the Parisian Palace last week in Vegas."

Hilton is now reportedly suing Las Vegas for false advertising.

"Isn’t their motto supposed to be ‘what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?’  I don’t think that means it’s supposed to be forcibly removed by strange men in uniform in another country!"

Reportedly, Hilton later told friends and family how the items were placed there in an eerily similar manner.

New Orleans, LA— Not one to leave a job half finished, President Obama completed what his predecessor could not in the devastating aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.  The President, accompanied by an entourage of secret service, entered the Superdome on 8/29 and conducted a thorough search of the facility.  Approximately one hour later, Obama emerged with a shaky Jacob and Helena Jefferson on his arm.  Medical supplies food and water were handed to the couple, as they were ushered into awaiting ambulances. 

"This marks the end of Operation Deliver Agua," said Obama, a mission that started five-years ago when the government attempted, but failed, to deliver food and water to the Superdome—the very place where they asked people to rendezvous after the storm.

When competence of the former administration was brought into question, Obama said, "This isn't about blame.  Blame isn't working anymore.  This is about…I don’t know what this is about, but it was a great photo op."

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Hollywood, CA-The Daily Discord has proof the Obama’s recent Gulf swim was displayed through the lens of, none other than, director Stanley Kubrick.  The event was staged, a fraud, a sham! Inside sources believe the scene was filmed on the soundstage where Kubrick filmed, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Spartacus, and that last Friends episode.  Republicans are, of course, trying to make as much political hay as possible out of this event by turning it into 2010: A Race Odyssey. 

Our own roving reporter, Bald Tony, cornered former astronaut, Buzz Aldrin, in a Kwik E Mart earlier today and asked him if the moon landing was also staged by Kubrick.  Aldrin became incensed and hurled several Hostess products at our reporter before a convenience store clerk, Apu Nahasa-something-or-other, intervened.

"Easy on my Twinkies, you Ding Dongs!"

Many are calling the Discord’s evidence "doctored" and "PhotoShopped."  The CEO of the popular e-zine, Pierce Winslow, defends the unnamed source of the photo.

"The picture clearly shows the Obamas swimming on the moon.  I don’t know what more proof you need than that," said Winslow.

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord editing crew continues to be derailed by Microsoft Word 2007.   Actually, they’re derailed by any number of things—an extreme lack of competence comes to mind.   Fools!  Please send all submission in 1997-2003 format, under pain of death. When the last document from Dave Atsals arrived, but would not open properly, this is what they did (see below). They actually edited the dingbats!  Bad enough they have to edit the contributors, who are arguably dingbats.  If anyone is looking for an editing job at the Discord, if you can successfully hit the Contact Us button, you’re hired.

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Oh, and on a side note, if you want to email the Ghetto Shaman, don’t call him names. It’s actually his job to call you names, "bitches!" That’s a quote, people.  As a business man, I would never call any of you bitches.  Also, on all submissions please at least include your first name, last initial, and town/state.  16 cent and Flav7 just isn’t cutting it. The Shaman expects, neigh, the Shaman demands some context so he can go do that voodoo that he does so well, bitches.  Ooops.  That was mine, but it just slipped out.  Honest.

These retractions are coming at a fevered pitch lately, as the recession has forced us to outsource our editing to Canada and fewer and fewer of our contributors can afford their medications. Our recent post Hundreds of Dead Opossums Inexplicably Wash-up onto Gulf Beaches: Most Not Faking was not corroborated by the evidence.  The one image that sparked the piece turned out to be PhotoShopped.  Er, actually it turned out to be PhotoShopped by one of our own staff. So we will take the high road in this matter and do what President Obama won’t. As CEO of the Daily Discord, I would like to formally apologize to BP and to their former CEO, Mr. Hayward, you opossum killing wankers (OKWs).

In retrospect, our article Acetaminophen Linked to Headache Relief in Hung-Over Student wasn’t really news worthy.  We have slow days too, and slow days are usually complicated here at the Discord by the higher blood alcohol content of our staffers.

Dalai Lama Leads Police on Three State Car Chase was simply sensationalism at its worst. I have personally dealt with the contributor who sent us this exaggerated piece of pseudo-journalistic nonsense. And, to set the record straight, it was only a two state car chase.  I take some responsibility for this debacle, as the states in question were Georgia, South Carolina, and New Mexico. I have moved Google Maps to my favorites, so nothing like this should ever happen again.

Washington, DC-At the final confirmation hearing for Elena Kagan Thursday, Senator Ben Nelson (NE-D) meant to vote against Kagan’s Supreme Court nomination but, instead, shouted, "I don’t think Kagan can follow DeGeneres in a show as important for U.S. interests as American Idol!"

Several colleagues tried to calm the agitated Senator down to no avail. President Obama himself texted Nelson during the outburst and offered his state free healthcare (again), as well as weekly treasure baths at Camp David if he would simply, "sit the fuck down."

Completely inconsolable, Nelson yelled, "You lie!"

He then hurled his Blackberry at Kagan, before saying, "The Idol is dead; it’s dead, I tell ya! Nothing else really matters anymore, you toothless whore!"

After an uncomfortably long period of sobbing, Nelson tried to secede from the union--until someone reminded him that if Nebraska seceded, no one would notice.

Nelson later told the press, "Truckers along Route 80 would notice. Especially when I start opening fire on the bastards!"

Police had to forcibly remove Nelson from Capital Hill, and Chief Clancy Wiggum of Springfield later told the press the Senator was "all doped up on goofballs."

Nelson denies being on goofballs, or even knowing what goofballs are, exactly.

Washington, DC—General David Petraeus announced his intentions today to shift an outdated policy on gays in the military to the exit strategies for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

When questioned about the logic of expanding a policy the army may soon overrule, Petraeus said, "It’s true that don’t ask don’t tell may well be repealed in the near future, but before we send it off to pasture, it’s sorely needed in other arenas.  Think of it as a ‘surge’ before we pull out all together."

Petreus then asked to have that last statement stricken from the record, as it "sounded a little gay." 

Petraeus believes that the policy, which would include: "the press shutting the fuck up about all withdrawal timetables," could be successfully applied to both military engagements.

"Of course we wouldn’t say, shut the fuck up about all withdrawal timetables," clarified Petreus. "We would simply say, ‘Sorry, that question is in violation of our don’t ask don’t tell policy.’ After my statement, I might add the word, bitches, in rare instances, but only because I’m a huge Ghetto Shaman fan."

Petraeus believes the new policy would allow U.S Military time to establish permanent bases in Iraq and Afghanistan, which could come in handy when the U.S. "takes a shit."

When asked when he thought the U.S. would, in fact, "take a shit", Petraeus replied, "I think we could successfully expand don’t ask don’t tell to include all press questions in the near future."  The General then went on a wildly inappropriate, Bush-channeling tirade, "We need to come out of the closet there, or they will follow us into the closet here! They’ll stand up, when we go down!" and, the Discord staff’s personal favorite, "They hate us for our FemDom."

Nowhere, AZ—Mick Zano is in police custody tonight after the grisly discovery of several body parts at his residence.  Mr. Zano has "no idea" how the human remains came to inhabit his freezer, and his only alibi, a "masseuse" on Spring Mountain Road in Vegas, doesn’t speak Engrish, but did tell police, "Bad man.  Bad tipper."

Despite maintaining his innocence, Zano remains a person of interest in the case, and may be connected to several other missing women across the southwest.

His boss and CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow disagrees with authorities, "He’s really not that interesting."

When asked if he thought Zano might be a serial murderer/cannibal Winslow, said, "Sure, but he’s still not that interesting."

Police questioned Mr. Zano at his current job as a Walmart greeter after he was found running up and down aisle four accosting various customers with a bottle of A1 Sauce.

A customer claims Zano asked her, "Did you find everything OK?" then added, "Could I marinate your arm overnight?"

Zano is maintaining his innocence despite a damning eyewitness description (bottom right), which is building a strong case for the prosecution.

Both of his friends and fans are sticking by Mr. Zano, but "Not too closely. He tends to bite," said Sarah Angelfire, a fellow Discord contributor.

Zano weakened his own defense earlier today with this statement, "If you’re not going to do anything with it, can I keep the meat?  Please, can I get one of those Hannibal Lecter hockey mask thingies?"