Washington, DC - Police questioned Rahm Emanuel shortly after the death of conservative journalist, Robert Novak, and they are now calling him a ‘Sith of interest’. Emanuel’s interview with the police only further implicated Obama’s Chief of Staff.

“Look,” said Emanuel, “sure we put the dead horse’s head in his bed, but we only wanted to scare the bastard.”

When asked at a press conference why he and several Secret Service Officers were recently questioning Novak, Emanuel replied, “He could have told me who really outed CIA operative Valerie Plame. Armitage was a fall guy. I told Novak, Plame or Pain. He chose poorly, is all, but that doesn’t mean I killed him.”

Our own Bald Tony prodded Emanuel further by asking, “Isn’t it true that a Sith Lord can cause a brain tumor similar to the one that killed Novak by manipulating the dark side of the Force?”

Emanuel dismissed the question just as our own beloved reporter crumpled into a lifeless heap. Emanuel chose to end the press conference by saying, “Who’s the Prince of Darkness now, bitch? Oh and Ozzy, watch your ass.”

In Loving Memory of the Great Bald One 2008 - 2009

He's not quite dead....

He's getting better....

Inspired by Mick Zano’s clarion call to fight back against an ideologically driven media, the Discord staffers rallied to the cause.  In a spirit of coordination not seen since their third senior bar crawl, the Discordians held protests in six different cities on April 25^th. Outraged by the media’s attempt to fragment our society, the mad bloggers took to the streets. Bald Tony walked along the Las Vegas strip with a sign that read, “Mick is Right!”  Pokey McDooris and Dave Atsals, longtime critics of the media, sat outside of McNama’s Pub in central, PA with nothing but two malt-liquor forties, possibly Big Jug Xtras, and a sign that read, “Tony’s Right About Mick Being Right!”  Only the sign was novel, however, as this was their usual routine.  At the designated time, the Ghetto Shaman staggered out of an undisclosed local establishment and vomited.  Even the Crank himself put a sign on his big red truck that said, “Fuck You!”  OK, the Crank’s truck always has that sign, but on April 25^th he added the exclamation point - for the cause.  Not to be outdone, Pierce Winslow wandered down South Street Philadelphia yelling something about the Zamboni Gypsies and Sarah Angelfire, our latest contributor, posted compromising photos of Mick Zano on her My Space page (which might be totally unrelated). 

“I think it’s time we came together,” said Zano. “In the true spirit of fragmentation.”

Philadelphia, PA—“Times are tough,” admitted the Discord’s Chief Executive, Pierce Winslow.

The Daily Discord tallied its’ eighth straight monthly loss in March. Complaints during this week’s staff meeting ranged from, “I gave up my job at the Circle-K for this?” to “I gave my job up at the 7-11 for this?”  The staff had a laundry list of complaints for Mr. Winslow this week.

“Morale is something nearing Abu Ghraib levels,” stated Winslow, “Er, the inmates, not the military.”

 “We got very little of the bailout funds,” complained Bald Tony.

“Yeah,” agreed Pokey McDooris, “just like good ol’ AIG, I’d gladly give back my bonus, but it was two pens that turned out to be pencils.” 

Mr. Winslow feels his staff is just a pack of overly pessimistic whiners.

“Besides,” said Winslow, “even before the recession seven out of ten Discord staffers lived with their parents.”

Austin, TX - Austin Police Chief, Art Acevedo, says he is ready to “take on” blogs and will be perusing the comment sections on local media internet sites.  Acevedo believes his police department has been misrepresented in the blogosphere on numerous issues.

“A lot of my people feel it is time to take these people on,” said Acevedo. “When people are willfully misleading and lying, they are pretty much cowards anyway because they are doing so under the cloak of anonymity.” 

The Crank—which is his god given name, mind you—had this to say: “Hey, Buford T. Justice, leave them blogs alone!”

Pierce Winslow, CEO of the Daily Discord, is “highly offended that Chief Acevedo keeps soliciting his children for sex.”

Mick Zano would like to add that he “hopes he comes clean on the bestiality charges soon.”

Chief Acevedo went on to say that he “likes to where pretty pink dresses and gets obnoxiously drunk during business hours on the taxpayer’s dime.”

The Daily Discord’s own, Bald Tony, has discovered the chilling truth that the first amendment means nothing to this man, and, apparently “when he’s not luring young women to their demise, he likes to lure young boys to their demise.”

In his own defense, Chief Acevedo had this to say, “I am fascinated with human excrement, but won’t seek help because of my deeply spiritual Wiccan belief system.”

The Daily Discord welcomes the Acevedo lawsuit to come.

“We’re kind of surprised the Maria Shriver lawsuit never panned out,” said Winslow. Despite the inability to get sued by anyone, Winslow remains optimistic.  “I believe any publicity is good publicity—right, goat-humping cop guy?”

Washington, DC - Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, is becoming further embroiled in the Bush/Cheney torture controversy as allegations continue to surface regarding her knowledge of the previous administration's tactics.  President Obama is defending the Speaker of the House, claiming she could not have possibly known the importance of things told to her.

“After all, she’s an idiot,” explained Obama at a press conference earlier today.  “Her competence is strongly in question.”

According to a memo released by the White House this week, Nancy Pelosi asked only three questions during her CIA briefing on enhanced interrogation techniques.  Two questions involved the previous evening’s episode of American Idol and the third involved her predictions regarding the following week’s episode of American Idol.

President Obama then made the analogy: “You can’t blame Pelosi for torture; it would be like blaming Iraq for 9/11.”

After an awkward silence, Obama went on to explain how Pelosi’s only knowledge of torture is derived from the 1976 movie Marathon Man

“In Pelosi’s small and demented mind,” continued Obama, “no Sir Lawrence Olivier + no dental instruments = no torture.”

Sir Lawrence Olivier, quite dead, was unavailable for comment.

President Obama went on to say, “Look, you can’t expect someone to connect the dots with a broken pencil, no paper, and more air upstairs than one of those open double-decker buses.”

Dissatisfied with the explanation, our own Bald Tony asked two very pointed questions of the President: “If Pelosi is deemed too stupid for any accountability, isn’t this a slipper slope? Couldn’t the same argument then be made to protect Bush from any wrongdoing?”

President Obama dodged the slippery slope analogy by saying this: “Remember what Dick Cheney said to Senator Leahy on the floor back in ‘04?  Pretend I’m Dick Cheney and your Patrick Leahy. M-kay?”

Philadelphia, PA — CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow announced his intentions today to retrieve all of the pencil sets that looked like pens distributed at this past year’s Christmas party.  The gifts were allegedly purchased with recently acquired stimulus funds.

“If my staff is going to bitch about everything,” said Winslow, “then they can type their articles with their own damn pencils.”

Mr. Winslow is said to be displaying increasingly bizarre behaviors.  He reportedly made rooster sounds in the middle of the interview and began hurling handfuls of the Discord’s office supplies from the agencies’ third-floor business suite onto some surprised motorists below. 

 “This is a sad day for the Discord,” admits the ezines’ Chief Vegas Correspondent, Bald Tony.  “And by sad, I mean typical.”

When asked if he would be honoring the mandate to return the item, Tony replied, “From my cold, dead…sure whatever.”

Heaven, UP - After reading the Washington Monthly last week, God burst a nut (which proves God is a guy).  God read a poll where the south still has a 45% approval rating for republicans.  This is over 30% higher than the second place contestants, the Midwestern region of the U.S.

When God found out how many impoverished southerners opposed Obamacare, God said, “OK, they barely complain about a trillion dollars to some CEOs, but ME forbid someone tries to spend a trillion dollars on them…that’s it!  I’m going to drown those patriotards once and for all.” (which proves God reads the Daily Discord, which  really isn’t that impressive because he’s blognipotent.)

God is planning more rain in the forecast for the southeast until “those bananas wake up smell the karma” (which proves God is either Hindu or confused).

Our own Bald Tony asked God if this would be another forty-days and forty-nights thing, and God replied, “No, no.  I really don’t have that kind of time.”

God hopes to hit them with all he’s got in kind of a Shock and Awe campaign.

“We’ll see how they like it.”

When Bald Tony pointed out how drowning hordes of uninsured patriotards seemed kind of ‘Old Testament’, God smote him and shit. 

Los Angeles, CA - Dr. Conrad Murray is admittedly denying claims that his prescribing practices contributed to the pop legend’s recent death.

“This is America,” said Dr. Murray, “everyone is on downers.”

Dr. Murray believes that Americans have built up an incredibly high tolerance to benzodiazepines and pain pills.

“It’s in our water system for crying out loud.”

The doctor believes the old med regiments just weren’t making a dent in our neurotic noggins.

Dr. Murray went on to say that, “Higher doses make any beer consumption extra dangerous, or in Michael’s case Big Jug Extra dangerous.”

When the Discord’s own Bald Tony pointed out that Jackson’s BAC was zero and that the Big Jug Extra reference was merely a cheap Discord yuck-yuck from an earlier faux article, Dr. Murray refused to comment.  The doctor does hope that his stock in Astra Zeneca will not suffer for the incident and hopes the drug rep luncheon is still on for Tuesday.

Furthermore, Dr. Murray sends his condolences to the Jackson Four and added, “If you don’t sue, bitches, you can have my script pad.”