Moscow, RU—Instead of discussing the recent terrorist attack in his country, Vladimir Putin remained fixated throughout his speech today on Russia’s poor Olympic performance. Putin blamed his country’s gross underachieving on global warming.

"Climate change is real, and it’s real bad for the Winter Olympics," said Putin.

The Russian President went on to explain how the warmer weather riddled Team Russia with obstacles.

"Except those event-specific obstacles one would expect," clarified Putin. "Coaches reported how each time the figure skaters or hockey players practiced, the slush on the ice was almost ankle high. And don’t even get me started on curling," added Putin.

While trying to maintain the ice, Zamboni drivers drowned almost daily.

"How many more Zamboni drivers must die before the world wakes up to the dangers we all face?!" yelled a weepy Putin. (Incidentally, if you Google ‘yelled a weepy putin’ you get a tree indigenous to Narnia.)

Russia’s utter embarrassment has drastically shifted the country’s perception of climate change. To drill that point home, Putin ended his speech with a plea to Al Gore, "If Mr. Gore would come out of hiding, Russia would like to commission him to direct our own climate change awareness film, It Could Happen To Moscow."

Located on an 18 acre east Manhattan site, the new Trump Hotel & Casino is set to open soon, or, as “The Donald” said “As soon as we can get the beds in the old offices, and the slot machines & crap tables in the auditorium”.

Using a new “United World” theme, the Casino will feature marble steps, gold colored waterfalls, and the same carpet, which is a gigantic map of the world, now has large 3’ tall gold “pushpins” wherever Trump owns property. The flags of nations lining the main entrance were replaced with the Trump coat-of-arms. The entrance to its new eatery, the World Peace Restaurant, now sports a sixty foot L.E.D TV screen with rotating pictures of hungry shoeless children and Trump Hotels to the backdrop of the dulcet tones of Louis Armstrong singing “What a Wonderful World”.

As for parking concerns around the new hotel & casino, NYCs Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said, “Now, we can actually ticket people who park in no parking zones!”

Kelly is referring to the long standing problem of “Diplomatic Immunity” and parking scofflaws in NYC.

“If you lost 16 floors of Trump U.N.,” said John Bolton, “now that would suck!”

For reservations, call 1-800-The-Donald.

A study conducted by Northern Arizona University showed a significant correlation between recreational pot use and the losing of massive financial sponsorships. The study looked at seven people at random who had already lost major amounts of money due to revealing pot party photos. Michael Phelps is only the latest victim in a long chain of similar situations, often involving bowls and blunts and bongs, oh my. Professor Schmidt “Smitty” Stoltz, nearing both tenure and senility, suggests that famous sports figures should go back in time and stop their friends from taking pictures of them while in the process of smoking pot.

The New York Yankees continued purchasing the world today by picking up a right-handed flame throwing reliever, Statue O’Liberte’.  Despite hailing from nearby New Jersey, the statue was signed to a fifteen year contract.

Yankee’s manager Joe Girardi stated, “I am not sure how many times O’Liberte’ will see the mound but, at 305 feet tall, she’ll sure be an imposing figure around the bullpen.”

The organization feels that the over 200-year old reliever still has a few good years left in her

“The righty is only a few years older than Roger Clemens,” added Hal Steinbrenner, “and look how well he worked out.”

The Yankees still face several daunting hurdles, however.  A French glove maker was immediately commissioned to start working on the mitt for the new reliever.  Construction is estimated to take a few years longer than the, yet to be started, downtown Freedom Tower.  Also, the toll set by the Mafia-run Port Authority to transport the statue to-and-from each ball game may top Obama’s upcoming stimulus package.

“At least we’ll save time on chiseling the law book out of her hand,” continued Steinbrenner. “The Bush Administration already loosened it sufficiently.”

Phoenix, AZ - Wayne Gretzky “forgot” to tell everyone he didn’t want to play coach anymore and left the Phoenix Coyotes in the lurch, right before the launch of the 2009-2010 season. He was apparently doing some soul-searching involving prostitutes. He later told reporters his alarm clock didn’t go off, the bus was late, and his dog may have eaten part or all of his roster. All I can say is, with or without Wayne Gretzky, the Glendale Arena has Guinness on tap and affordable seats. Outside of the arena is West Gate with bars and restaurants of all shapes and sizes. The Yard House has over a hundred beers on tap! It’s a great sporting event. In fact, I have yet to actually make it inside for a game. Wayne Gretzky was the greatest hockey player of all time, but not the best business manager. He even let me drive the Zamboni before and after games, which shows a stunning lack of common sense.

Gretzky told reporters “The Puck Stops Here.”

He then said several other bad hockey metaphors before we both drove the Zamboni. That’s not a metaphor; two guys can drive a Zamboni. It’s good clean fun.

Philadelphia, PA - Earlier today the Philadelphia Eagles signed Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme, of Charles Manson fame, to a 5-yr. deal as their new public relations spokeswoman.

“Squeaky has signed on for $1.2M the first year,” said Head Coach Andy Reid. “Celebrities don’t come cheap.  I’m confident she’s served her time and won’t be aiming any unloaded guns at Presidents anymore.”

Reid reports being pleased with the signing of Michael Vick, particularly amidst the dog days of summer.  The logic behind hiring Squeaky, on the other hand, seemed less obvious to this reporter.

When asked, Reid said, “Bottom line, she’s close to my age, kind of cute, and I have always wanted to find out why they call her Squeaky.”

Reid indicated that Vick and Fromme are the first two in an anticipated long line of ex-con-tracts.

“Do you remember in the movie Slap Shot when that team stacked the deck with all kinds of vile sorts to combat the Hanson Brothers?  Well, that movie was on last week.  I’m not saying it influenced our decision, but I’m not saying it didn’t either.  Hell, I’d recruit Manson himself, if he ever gets out.  Marilyn, of course, Charlie scares the shit out of me.”

Reid indicated the Eagles organization is scouting all the major penitentiaries in the U.S. for fresh talent.

“Heck, if they released everyone in Gitmo tomorrow, we might need a whole new league, like in that movie. League of their own? Slap Shot.? Ain’t you been listening?”

When asked if he had any regrets about not starting this ex-con initiative sooner, Reid said, “I only wish we’d snagged that Birdman of Alcatraz fellow.  Did he have Eagles?  Oh and Obama, could you please pardon Scooter Libby? Scooter and Squeaky has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”

Mii Plaza – Jesus, the accepted savior for millions of Christians world wide, largely believed to have ascended into heaven after a brief return from the dead back in AD 30, has been found alive and well in the virtual world of the Nintendo Wii. Fed up with the burdens and controversies surrounding being the central figure of the world’s largest religion, Jesus reportedly went into hiding to escape the crap.

“It’s a hassle” admits the messiah, “between the complaints from disgruntled victims, the "gimme gimme's", the perverted so-called holy men, and my name being used to justify everything from restricting freedom to mass-murdering crusades, I’ve had it.”

There have been a multitude of Jesus sightings since his departure from public life. He’s been seen everywhere from insane asylums to potato chips. However, recently the Lord has reportedly been making a meager living as the lowest ranked boxer in the hugely popular boxing game in Wii Sports, a video game suite included with millions of Nintendo Wii units sold world wide. He's trying to lay low going by the alias David.

“It’s a living. I’ve been preaching humble existence for millennia,” states the savior, “This way not only can I keep millions entertained, I can give malcontents the opportunity to beat the shit out of me for whatever they perceive that I have done (or not done) to them. I also dabble in baseball, but I don’t have a large contract like some players. Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you Shouta!”

Many believe that the apocalypse is looming what with the coming end of the Myan calendar; the war, famine, pestilence, and death played out in our daily new reports; and the fact that these aspects match up with every prophecy from the Bible to Nostradamus to Izzy the Nose. We took this unique oppoortunity ask Jesus to address this point. All he had to say was “Oh go ask Vishnu, I’m on my wine break. Besides, miracles have no place in sports.”