Washington, DC—President Obama is golfing and Vice President Biden’s mouth has been secured indefinitely in an undisclosed location until the current crisis passes.  The government is officially broken, politicians have reached absurd levels of corruption and stupidity, and the Tea Party movement is starting to look good to even sane Americans.

"We need to stop the bleeding," said White House Spokesperson, Robert Gibbs.  "We need to stop the talking too."

The White House plans to hideout, and not say anything or attempt to enact any laws for the next several months in the hopes that "it all goes away."

"This is an unprecedented presidential collapse that we haven’t seen in our lifetimes," said Sean Hannity of Fox News.

Sean was then reminded about George W. Bush, Jimmy Carter, Richard Nixon, and the last bit of the Clinton Administration.

Sean responded, "Well, besides them."

He then repeated the phrase "not in our lifetime" until the injectable Thorazine arrived.

Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid held a joint press conference earlier today to restore faith in our current political system.  (Sorry…that was the joke.) 

Prince William Sound, AK (within sight of Russia)—The Obama Administration is under considerable scrutiny for choosing the Captain of the Exxon Valdez to head clean up operations in the Gulf.

"I plan to catch some zzzzzs on the voyage over to the Gulf," said Captain Hazelwood, "but don’t worry, I’m leaving the ship in the capable hands of my first mate and little buddy, Gilligan ‘Run-a-shore’ McBoozywreck."

Hazelwood went on to say, "We were going to try to raise the Edmund Fitzgerald so we could head down south in style, but we sank our Fitzgerald-retrieval vessel en-route."

Some are calling the pick a "dubious choice," but Hazelwood is calling the people who are criticizing him as "an even more dubious choice."

The captain is responding to critics thusly, "I have been cleaning water fowl with a toothbrush for the last twenty years.  Haven’t I suffered enough?  I just want a second chance to make things right. Oh, and if this doesn’t work out, Obama is going to let me head FEMA—which I believe is an acronym.  Hey, Barak-o, could I be the first Oil Spill Czar? You can’t deny I have the experience."

When asked what really happened during the Exxon Valdez incident, he admitted, "I had a little Captain in me."

He then did the nudge-nudge, wink-wink bit.

A group of New Jersey moms have announced their intentions today of filing a lawsuit against Ann Coulter for inflammatory statements made last week at Princeton University while she crushed the life out of a small puppy.  The five progressive feminists are "deeply hurt and offended" by Coulter’s remarks.

"She called us names, which we categorize as hate speech, and we hate her speeches as well," said Betty Jenkins of Tom’s River.

"My ears are still bleeding," added Barb Nelson of Camden.  "Not because of her speech, Ann repeatedly jammed a pen into them."

In retaliation to the hurtful verbiage, the group plans to create a PhotoShopped version of Coulter in a Nazi uniform sporting a strap-on.  They then plan to barrage the internet with these images through their wildly popular Facebook pages.

"We have reason to believe she is a Nazi lesbian," said Mrs. Jenkins.  "Or, at least that was our conclusion at the last ‘all pussy pajama party’" (as seen on the Ghetto Shaman’s favorite links!)

"It’s ridiculous," responded Coulter.  "I already have a penis, so a strap-on is totally superfluous, and, more importantly, my Nazi uniform fits."

Coulter feels these "sniveling prissy liberal sluts" are going to get theirs and then she inquired as to the time and location of the next ‘all pussy pajama party.’  Incidentally, so did the Ghetto Shaman.

Chandeleur Islands, LA—British Petroleum spokesperson, Peter Metcalfe, added, "In the grand scheme of things, the final episode of Lost will prove more significant to the average U.S. citizen than our little mishap. Is turning the Gulf waters into the Gulf oils really such a big deal? Look, sure we bought the cheaper valve and, sure, we purchase most of our parts from the Off Shore Drilling Barn—well, the one’s we don’t get from Ronco—but what were we supposed to do? Our profits were down to nearly a thousand percent! Mr. Burns is very critical of such wasteful spending."

Mr. Burns added, "Killing off entire ecosystems is always an opportunity for the surviving species…like oil men, for instance. Smithers, release the grease gobbling monkeys!"

Warsaw, PL—The Polish Government released the following transcript from last week’s doomed flight to Smolensk:

President Kaczynski:  When is the last time you heard a really good Polish joke?

Pilot:  It’s been years, Mr. President.

President Kaczynski: Exactly.  So land the plane.

Pilot:  We can’t.  The fog…the control tower said—

President Kaczynski: We must restore the Polish joke to its original glory.  Just think of it!  We need to be known for more than just kielbasa.

Pilot:  Actually, the origin of the kielbasa is unknown, but it is commonly credited to all of Eastern Europe.

President Kaczynski: Exactly my point. Now…are all of our top military and political leaders on board?

Pilot:  Yes, Mr. President.

President Kaczynski:  Good, then land the plane.

Pilot:  Should I hit the control tower?

President Kaczynski:  Naaah, that’s a little over the top.

Pilot:  Not the way I fly (laughter)…so what’s the joke going to be?

President Kaczynski:  I was thinking, how many Pollock leaders does it take to land a—

(inaudible)

Washington, DC - President Obama has refused to comment on the picture, seen here, of the President, along side of his top economic advisors, entering a notorious south D.C. cash advance establishment.  Obama also denied allegations he is supplementing the Federal Reserve in such a manner. When specifically questioned about his whereabouts last weekend, Obama said everything from "blowing loads of cash in Las Vegas" to "hiking the Appalachian Trail with Senator Sanford."  None of the stories checked out, however.  Last weekend, Bald Tony was in Vegas ‘blowing loads of cash’ and the Ghetto Shaman was hiking the Appalachian Trail naked. Neither report seeing Obama at these locations.

When confronted by the press, Obama said, "Look, you might see me going into a cash advance place, but you’re not going to find a picture of me leaving with any cash.  Have you seen the United States’ credit score lately?"

Obama is also denying allegations he was spotted at a pawn shop with the East Room portrait of George Washington.  When reporters noticed the empty wall this week, Obama explained he was simply having the missing picture shampooed.  When questioned why he is still wearing the Groucho Marx mustache/glasses combo, Obama pretended not to hear the question and ended the press conference.

Washington, DC—The Obama Administration is investigating its own near-criminal inflation of the total jobs created by the stimulus plan. Some of the problem is due to the questionable decision to hire The Count von Count, of Sesame Street fame, to tally the numbers.

"It started out well enough," said stimulus overseer Ed DeSeve.  "He counted full-time jobs created by the stimulus package, then he counted part-time jobs created by the stimulus package, and then at some point he started counting ceiling tiles."

According to witnesses, The Count started the project with, "One! One job created by the stimulus package, ah, ah, ah...  Two! Two jobs created by the stimulus package, ah ah ah…" but, by day twelve, The Count was overheard saying, "Four! Four thousand cars on the Southeast Freeway, ah, ah, ah…"

"We knew right then we were screwed," said DeSeve.  "I told Barak that we should have gone with Grover."

The Obama Administration is trying to put the best spin possible on the matter.

"It’s not known when The Count transitioned from counting real jobs to counting random inanimate objects," said Obama, "but we shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that some of those early numbers were legitimate jobs created."

Obama is denying allegations that he had planned to name The Count his Enumeration Czar in early February.

"I would also like to dispel any rumors that Burt or Ernie will be my next Family Values Czarinas."

Washington insiders believe neither Ernie nor Burt have spoken to the president since his stance on Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.

Senator Nelson (NE) released this stunning conversation on the eve of the healthcare vote.  Our technical crew worked diligently to bring you the transcript version of this important audio:

Senator Nelson: "Mr. Rezko, Rahm, David…to what do I owe the honor?"

Tony Rezko: "Hayadooin Senator.  We need to come to some sort of understanding on the Healthcare bill. I’m of the impression that youse may be a ‘no’ vote."

Senator Nelson: "Well guys, there are problems with—"

Tony Rezko: "Bennie, Bennie, It’s of da highest import dat youse vote ‘yes’ on dis here bill."

Senator Nelson: "Bu-bu-but guys, I really got problems with—"

Tony Rezko: "Listen, if ya don’t go the way we needs ya ta go, youse got real problems.  I know youse guys got dis here Air Force base, uh wutisit, Offortt Sumtin? Now it sure would be a shame if sumtin wuz ta happin to dis here Base, wouldn’t it?"    

Senator Nelson: "What could happen to an Air Force Base?"

(inaudible)

Senator Nelson: "You wouldn’t…"

Tony Rezko: "Just tink of da ten tousand poor Nebraskans widout a job. Dat would be a terrible ting."

Senator Nelson: "You’d put the safety of the country at risk and put thousands of people out of work?"

Tony Rezko: "Safety of the country?  You tink we care about dat?  Two words, Bennie Boy, Janet Napolatano.  But enough talk. Rahm, David…bend some Geneva Conventions around this guy’s neck."

(Sound of water running. Garble, garble, cough, sputter. Inaudible.)

Washington, DC - Homeland Security Chief, Janet Napolitano, has unveiled her airline screening plan to have passengers tuck their shoes under one armpit while twirling their underwear on the alternate fingers.

"The frequently incontinent will not stand for this," warned activist Dribbly McSkidmarck.

When asked about the recent intelligence failures, Napolitano said, "Look, we can’t stop every known terrorist who wants to bring explosives onto a plane.  But what we can do is continue to make everyone miserable who tries to board with bottled water."

When reminded how the passengers on the Detroit flight actually used water to put out the fire, Napolitano said, "Sure, in this case, but usually water is highly unstable."     

Rather than playing the blame game, Napolitano is calling for a full investigation into her own competence.

CIA Director Leon Panetta suggested, "Maybe it [her competence] just fell behind the couch."

FBI Director Robert Mueller immediately countered, "Of course, we checked behind the couch, dipshit. I guess we ‘forgot’ to tell you guys."

The House Intelligence Committee believes her competence may have snuck over the Mexican border while she was still governor of AZ.

Unhappy with any of the explanations, Napolitano said, "I am raising the national threat level to one of those other colors, until some idea of my relative competence can be ascertained."

Washington, DC - President Obama injected yet another massive bundle of imaginary cash into the U.S. economy this week.  These funds, now nearly as potent as the Canadian what-ever-the-hell-they-use, are slated to help the President's own sinking poll numbers.  The Obama Administration is hoping the proposed two-hundred billion dollars will help propel our ailing commander-and-chief back above a fifty-percent approval rating. 

"I’m a narcissist who could become highly unstable if I’m not well-received," said Obama.

He then reminded everyone of his access to a certain big red button that just "might get pressed if anyone gives me any shit about this."

Obama hopes the sorely needed cash can repair the damage to his currently waning 'stupid police' vote, his limping 'Jerry’s Kids' vote, and his ever slipping 'guns and religion clinging hickwad' vote.

"Repairing my public relations missteps won’t come cheap," said Obama.  "But my plan to place Joe 'Gaffey' Biden on damage control should turn this ship around."

Economists across the country warn that damage control to reverse Vice President Biden’s attempt at damage control could more than double our deficit.  The Obama Administration’s economic team is downplaying this claim, but admits the next stimulus package to undo Biden's impact will be "gi-fucking-normous."

Denver, CO - Richard Henee, of Balloon hoax fame, admitted to coming from a long line of Balloon Hoaxers.  In 1947, Richard’s grandfather, George Henee, decided it would be great fun to fly a UFO shaped balloon around his Roswell, NM ranch.  The next day, George told the press about an alien craft in the desert and a huge government cover up. He had forced his wife and children to eat several thermometers the day before and relayed how his family had fallen ill upon visiting the UFO crash site. 

The line of Henee balloon hoaxes goes back much much further. In Siberia circa 1909, Richard’s great grandfather, Alexei "Borscht" Henee, filled a massive balloon with methane and may single-heneedly have caused the Tunguska Blast.  Henee also believes that Ezekiel’s Bible vision of a fiery sky-chariot was attributed to Pontius 'Flatulentus' Henee III. 

When asked if he had any regrets about his ill-conceived endeavor, Richard Henee said "I should have used methane.  But making my family subsist on burritos and warm Tab Cola for six months just didn't cut it."  Richard corrected himself, "Well, it cut it, but not in the intended manner."

Henee claims he’s "just getting started" and vows that the Henees will one day master the energy of the hinee, and added, "I definitely plan to go out with a bang."

A desperate Al-Qaeda is ramping up its rhetoric against the Obama Administration as members are leaving their jihad training camps “by the droves,” stated Abdul Abdul Abdullah to our own Bald Tony during an inappropriate on-line chat last week.

Desperate for an edge in the PR wars, Al-Qaeda is considering increasing their afterlife compensation.

“We are considering upping the ante to 82 virgins in the afterlife,” stated Abdullah. This is a limited offer, void where prohibited.

The terrorist group is doubtful the new strategy will work, however, as a recent Al-Qaeda poll suggests most jihad savvy Arabs really don’t know what to do with more than twenty virgins anyway.  Al-Qaeda is disappointed with recruitment in recent weeks.

“Obama is bad for business,” stated Abdullah.  “Bush was doing a fine job, but now there is hardly enough hatred to go around.”

Abdullah fears an outright end to hatred, which would force him to grow-up and get a real job, perhaps in the gay porn industry.  In the wake of this new age Al-Qaeda is setting more realistic expectations.  Instead of using their bread-and-butter chants like ‘Death to America’, they are considering more achievable goals like ‘Death to Jersey.’  It is hoped that this shift in objectives may gain more support inside as well as outside of the U.S.

“Most agree at least Newark should go,” explained Abdullah, “even Bruce Springsteen, if cornered.”

For his last act in office, besides doing number two in the middle of the Lincoln bedroom, George W. Bush has cancelled President Elect Barak Obama’s honeymoon period.

“I’m afraid he’s going to have to hit the ground running,” joked Bush to reporters on Thursday, “especially if old Dead-Eye Dick has anything to say about it.”   Bush warns that the transition may be unusually violent.

“Biden better watch his ass,” added Bush, “because the V.P. apparently refuses recognize the new administration, or anyone else for that matter.”  Washington insiders believe the Vice President suffers from something the doctors are calling Age-Related Executive-Expansion Disorder (AREED).  Unconfirmed reports suggest that Cheney will shoot at anything that approaches his property line.

In a phone call to the V.P. elect this week, Bush warned, “Proceed with caution…Dick really wants to remain head of Homelawn Security.”

Of the ten tourists who visited Palestine last year, one has vowed never to return.

“I’m going to fucking Darfur,” says Bernie Snedgrass of Haymarket, VA. After the recent Israeli bombings, Snedgrass changed his flight plan from Gaza to Darfur and told Discord reporters. “I would rather take in historic bullet-riddled Africa.” Snedgrass also hopes to find some real Somalian pirates as well as Obama’s real birth certificate.

“The ‘Atrocities in Ten Cities’ candlelight tour is supposed to be must see genocide,” continues Snedgrass. “Besides, everyone knows that North Africa is the new Palestine.”

The top Chief Executive of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, has contacted key Washington officials on the hill this week to discuss the details of a pending two billion dollar bailout plan hoped to keep the Daily Discord from bankruptcy. The Discord, hailed by at least one bald person in Vegas as “an important media source,” desperately needs the cash-flow amidst these daunting economic times. The cost of maintaining the website is believed to top three-hundred dollars annually. Most of the rest of the two billion taxpayer-relief dollars will be allocated on much needed booze and hookers.

“No golden parachutes for us,” stated Mr. Winslow to the press on Wednesday, “Just some well-deserved drunken orgasms.”

Apparently, several of the Discord staff ingest illicit substances that are dangerous to wean from, so some of the money will have to go to medically necessary recreational drugs.

“Of course,” added Winslow. “Potentially lethal alcohol withdrawal is a very real issue for many of our employees…and may explain our Crank Manifesto column.”

Winslow plans to remain “painfully forthcoming” regarding expenses, but does warn that if the funds are denied a turn toward lower-scale prostitution could “exacerbate our current health care crises as our staff descends, en mass, on our local walk-in health clinics.”

The Discord will forge ahead despite the unexpected lie off of seven of our valued employeees. Having boundless talent, we have, reached the conclusion that we—as a staff) can funktion without the aid of our worthy colleageus, and, to, further prove our grammatorial prowess;: we have even shut off our grammer chex, as well as our spell check options on our personal PCs. We will miss you editers…not so much..

La Habra, CA—Refusing to be outdone, Octomom sent her eight children into the stratosphere today via a canoe strapped to several hundred helium balloons in the hopes of their safe arrival in London, Belgium. When it was pointed out that London wasn’t in Belgium, Octomom became irate, as she had apparently "promised them waffles."

When asked if this was done as a publicity stunt, she said, "Fuck yeah," as well as several other expletives, mostly involving swear words.

Provided most of the children survive, Octomom was promised a starring role in a reality TV show this Fall.

Octomom told the press today, "I could eat that little yachting-around-the-world bitch for lunch...Oh, and fuck Balloon Boy!"

Octomom reportedly drew the line at lighting the canoe on fire at the onset of the merry voyage.

"You have to draw the line somewhere," said Octomom.  "Otherwise those bitches from Child Protective Services are back in droves."

If you noticed there are only seven children in the canoe and not eight...ahhh, that has more to do with the PhotoShop prowess of one, Dave Atsals, than anything else. He brings LD to a whole new level. LD + comes to mind, or maybe Uber LD, or even LD² perhaps. He’s certainly our special little helper.

Remember a time when the U.S. wasn’t ranked 21^st in literacy rates or gazillionth in manufacturing?  When we had the biggest empire in the world, and the tallest Empire State Building to prove it?  Well, you don’t have to!  It’s still reality for many of our ‘special’ citizens who watch Fox News as their main source of propaganda.  Why should you ever have to face the real problems of our time, when you can be programmed to ignore them?  And don’t worry, the depression will all be Obama’s fault.  Thankfully, you’ll never make that pesky connection that voting in our 39^th ranked president, twice, for the eight-years prior to our demise had any correlation whatsoever.

Greg Sully of Lincoln, NE, said, "Fox news is like the History Channel and the SyFy Channel, all rolled into one."

Mr. Sully enjoys the fear and suspense when a Democrat is in office and then the fictional security and prosperous period enjoyed when a Republican takes back command.

"And the Cylons are great too," added Sully.

There was never anything wrong with the most expensive healthcare on the globe covering increasingly fewer and fewer people.  And, as for the environment…heck, over 90% of the environment lies outside of U.S. borders, right?  Makes you think, doesn’t it?  You shouldn’t do that.  And freedom’s just another word for—I don’t know another word for freedom (I watch Fox News).  There is no substitute for freedom in the Fox lands…or Thesauruses, apparently.

Nationalism isn’t a bad thing, just the way you do it is.

Nashville, TN—Former Vice President Al Gore is downplaying his retreat into seclusion since the recent global warming scandal surfaced.

"I was not hiding for that!" insisted Gore.  "I was getting up the courage to tell the American people my real inconvenient truth."

Gore revealed to a stunned audience that he enjoys dressing like a woman, "even more than Rudy Giuliani."

Gore admitted to reporters that the real motivation behind his "green" activism was the fear that "if the world became too hot, people would notice my fishnet stockings."  Gore added, "Now that my secret is out, I plan to strut my stuff whenever and wherever possible."

Gore ended the press conference by pulling off his suit pants, revealing a pair of silky nylons, to the backdrop of Tim Curry’s version of Sweet Transvestite.

He then attempted to climb a nearby flag pole, yelling, "I am woman, hear me Gore!" before being dragged out of the room by security.  

Dear Sir,

I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms about the above faux article about the "green" activist who wears women's clothes. Many of my best friends are eco-activists and only a few of them are transvestites.

Yours faithfully,

Brigadier Sir Charles Arthur Strong (Mrs.)

PS -- I have never kissed the editor of the Daily Discord.

Springfield, (classified)—A Springfield man is in custody after the discovery that Al-Qaeda operatives have infiltrated several U.S. nuclear power plants.  Springfield’s Mayor, Joe Quimby, wants answers—and not the "Yes" ones that he usually requires of his staff.  Since the plant’s debut in 1989, Mr. Simpson has been involved in several near melt downs while manning the facility’s T-437 Safety Console.  Shockingly, none have resulted in his dismissal.  The owner of the Springfield plant, C. Montgomery Burns, is adamantly denying Simpson’s ties to terrorism.

"If this walking garbage-disposal of a man is Al-Qaeda then I’m Sandra Bullock."

Neighbors describe Simpson as, "Oakily Doakily."  However, Homer Simpson is well known to the local police department.

Chief Clancy Wiggum had this to say, "Simpson’s a menace.  I deal with him and his family almost weekly, usually Sundays 8:00-8:30PM on Fox."

Thus far Simpson’s request to be "Yoo-Hoo boarded" has been denied.  Bush Attorney John Yoo defends the practice of Yoo-Hoo boarding on purely phonetical grounds.

"Besides, how could something so creamy and chocolaty be torture?" said Yoo.

"Mmmm, chocolaty," said Simpson.

Washington, DC - Military witches everywhere are pleased about a potential change in military policy. Existing legislature, established in the early nineties, has prevented those of the Wiccan faith from serving openly in the armed forces.

"Military issue cauldrons for the purpose of casting the evil eye on Al-Qaeda are long overdue," said Colonel Saunders. "Besides, if women want to run around naked outside of the base all night, well, let’s just say I have mighty fine pair of military issue night vision goggles."

When explained that followers of Wicca can be both male and female, Saunders became visibly upset.

"I said witches…witches implies female. Although warlocks have the word ‘war’ in their name, which is cool and all, this here legislature is designed for women folk. Now stop talking about fellas before you turn my voyeuristic exploits into a god-damn sausage fest."

In response, Hecate is bestowing a curse on anyone who witnesses a Wicccan ritual with night vision goggles or any similar such device.

Kabul, Afghanistan—Members of the Afghani government are becoming increasingly frustrated with the recent string of President Hamid Karzai’s poorly conceived morale-boosting events.

"I wore my biggest and my silliest turban on silly hat day," said a disgusted Hassan Rahimi.  "Granted, it’s not much bigger or sillier than any of my other turbans, but I thought there would at least be prizes or something."

"Karzai completely ignored my suggestion that we have a lottery and then stone to death whoever picks the lucky ticket," said another Hassan Rahimi.  "The man ignores the classics!"

"His casual burkha day really sucked," added Abdul Haq of Kandahar. "And don’t even get me started on dunk a Mullah Monday."

"Mistakes have been made," admitted President Karzai.  "I didn’t think I had to specify no IEDs during the lunchroom obstacle course, but live and burn."

The politically embattled president went on to say, "My country still needs something that will unite the Afghani people behind a common cause, like maybe a good pie fight.  If anyone has any ideas, please email me…preferably before Wednesday, which is kiss a camel hump day. I’m really worried about that."

Tehran, Iran - Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is denying allegations his country is developing weapons of mass destruction.

"Iran is simply trying to counter the dangers of global warming with a nice nuclear winter," explained Ahmadinejad.

The Iranian President hopes to both restore the delicate planetary balance to our shared ecosystem and, perhaps, even win himself the next Chernobyl Peace Prize.

When asked about being under the constant scrutiny of the global community, Ahmadinejad said, "I feel misunderstood, ostracized, and completely exhausted from torturing and killing all of those student protestors over the weekend.  Next they'll be saying our weaponized microbial 'Death to the Great Satan Martyr' project is for some nefarious purpose."

The Iranian President is also insisting his new line of chemical weapons facilities are for humanitarian genocides only.

"Frankly, I'm sick of all the recent nuclear fallout from my targets—I mean critics," said Ahmadinejad.  "I meant critics, really."

Washington, DC—After some brutal negotiations with Chinese officials, President Obama announced to the press he saved the U.S. both the twenty-five dollar annual fee, plus two fifty-dollar late payment charges.  Granted, no progress was made on refinancing or renegotiating our country’s annual percentage rate with our Chinese overlords, but the Obama Administration is hailing this trip as a "major victory.” 

"That’s just the beginning," said Obama’s Treasury Secretary, Timothy Geithner. "If we transfer our debt over to the EU, they are promising us no interest until 2010!” 

When the Discord’s Chief White House Correspondent, Bald Tony, pointed out how that was only a few weeks from now, Geithner furrowed his brow and stared down at his Blackberry.

"I would much rather shift our impossibly high debt to Europe," said Obama.  "After all, they just got me that Peace Prize thingie.  It’s the least we can do."    

By shifting the U.S. debt to Europe, Obama hopes, "The United States can continue to pay the minimum balance, which should bring the Federal deficit to manageable levels by…what century is Star Trek supposed to take place?"

Obama is denying plans to hang an Interest Accomplished banner across the White House lawn to commemorate his historic visit.

"I don’t want to repeat my predecessor’s mistakes," said Obama.  "I am content to make a whole slew of new ones."

Nowhere, AZ - Doctors ended Mick Zano’s dream of live-blogging Fox News for an unprecedented 24 hour period.  The session ended thirty-seven minutes into the blog fest, when the attending physician, Dr. Sterling Hogbien of the Hogbien Institute and Casino, observed something akin to a psychotic break. The doctor reported that halfway through the show Hannity, Mr. Zano experienced several bouts of maniacal giggling before slipping into a dangerously delusional state.

When asked why the plug was not pulled earlier, Dr. Hogbien stated, "Maniacal giggling and delusions are not far off Zano’s baseline.  When he watches Fox News there are always mood swings, anxiety, and a significant rise in blood pressure, particularly when Sarah Palin is mentioned." 

Dr. Sterling Hogbien told authorities he only went ahead with the experiment after Zano assured him that watching Fox News for increasingly long periods of time had not resulted in any adverse reactions.

"We certainly would never have attempted this had we known what a quivering pile of Jello he would become" said Hogbien. 

When asked if Fox News is dangerous to the general public, Dr. Hogbien said, "Certainly not.  In small doses it is something to be enjoyed, like alcohol.  But too much and, well, ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for Foxual activity."

Good journalism means owning up to one’s mistakes. Since our debut in September we have made precious few journalistic boo boos, but here they are in no particular order

Pierce Winslow

Chief Executive Officer

‘Smelly Pirates Captured by Indians’ Headline Should Have Read: ‘Somali Pirates Captured by Indian Navy’

On December 13th in New Delhi, India, the Indian Navy, not a tribe of bow and arrow wielding Apaches, captured the 23 Somali pirates in question.  Regrettably, as it turns out, the Tomahawk missile joke was not only offensive to Native Americans, but was also egregiously inaccurate—to say nothing of our Long John Scalper reference.  Our sincere apologies to any offended primitive redskins.

‘Sun-sized Twisters Appear on Earth’ Headline Should Have Read: ‘Earth-Sized Twisters Appear on Sun’

Sorry for the mass panic, damage to property, and loss of life.  Our official response to this fiasco is “oops.”

‘Indians land on Moon’ Headline Was Completely Muffed

Well, as it turns out folks, it was the country of India not Native American Indians.  The unfortunate “scalp some Martians, bitches” comment makes even less sense now, and is unfair to extra terrestrials everywhere.

‘Texas Cheney-saw Massacre’ Headline Should Never Have Seen Print.

Pierce Winslow takes full responsibility for this error. Whereas it is plausible that Vice President Dick Cheney would travel to Crawford Texas and hack the Bush family into sausages, to the best of our knowledge, it never happened (yet).

After talking with his new administration, President Elect Obama has made the decisive decision to order the hundred trillion place, the quadrillion place, the gazillion place, and the holy-shit-Batman-we’ve-gone-plaid-illion place for the national debt clock in Time Square, New York.  The rationale is twofold, first, a preemptive move is hoped to quell market fears by reassuring the public that the new administration is doing something about our out-of-control deficit, and, second, there may be some modest savings to the taxpayer by buying these extra digit-places in bulk.

US diplomats are urging Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to simplify his last name, or change it outright.  “Something needs to be done for the sake of both diplomacy and locution,” says Discord’s Chief White House Correspondent Cokie McGrath.  Even President Bush himself told Ahmadinejad, “Remember those twenty six words that never should have been said during that infamous State of the Union Address?  Well, you’re name is longer.”  Iranian operatives suggest the Iranian President might be willing to drop the “jad” off the end in exchange for weapons technology.

Hi, I’m Bernie Fredrickson. I’ve lived along the Gulf Coast my whole life and I’ve been hired by BP recently to doctor photos from the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. We at BP have vowed to make the Gulf waters a little bluer, the sea fowl a little whiter, and the oil gusher a little less gusherier. Gusherier is a word, we checked with Sarah Palin. See? We spared no expense and now it’s in our mission statement, bitches.

We’re committed to help the worst oil spill in U.S. history look better and better, one pixel at a time. Bottom line, we’re going to make things right, albeit only virtually. I feel that if I can help people stop all the worrying, I’ve done my job. You’d be surprised how many times PhotoShopping living eye balls onto a dead pelican can make all the difference. Besides, think of all the seafood you can fry up without ever having to add any oil? In a recession, I call that win win! Like my CEO always says, money saved is money earned. We PhotoShopping wizards at BP are working around the clock for you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to Houdini out a gazillion tar balls strewn across the beach pics of Pensacola.

BP has announced that each day the Deepwater Horizon gusher is now releasing over 5,000 barrels of Guinness into the Gulf of Mexico.  BP believes the switchover from oil to Guinness happened sometime yesterday, around ‘happy hour.’  Only moments after the announcement, distributors and beer enthusiasts across the globe created several viable plans to not only cap the well, but to salvage the majority of the beer already in the Gulf.

"This turn of events has mobilized a world response like no other," said CEO Tony Hayward. "Well, at least not since the great Michelob eruption of 72."

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bait Shop, believes this discovery will radically change our understanding of prehistory.  New theories about the extinction of the dinosaurs have already surfaced.  Did the Irish kill off the dinosaurs, or at least their livers?  Even more outlandish theories involve planetary brewing systems and vast networks of ancient interstellar pubcrawlers.  Meanwhile, Dr. Hogbein’s book Chariots of the Grogs remains ignored by the archeological community.

BP is strongly advising against unauthorized attempts to plug the hole by concerned private citizens.

"And under no circumstances should anyone try to drink anything floating in the Gulf," warned Mr. Hayward.  "We have just struck Guinness and it will take several weeks before the first Guinness slicks reach shore.  This does mark the end of the fiasco and the beginning of the fiesta."

Despite the rosy picture BP is painting, critics claim this is the worst case of beer abuse in recorded history…er, well, since the Michelob eruption of 72. 

Are you an independent thinker?  Do you want to earn over 200K a year after taxes?  Taxes that, if you’re hired, you can probably dodge anyway?

Experience needed in writing and public speaking. Must have ability to follow a budget and at least 2 years experience in profit/loss management. Must be proficient in picking the right people for open positions.  Knowledge of U.S. Constitution a must. Need proof of efficiency training. Must prove citizenship. Ability to aim and fire a weapon helpful, but not required.  

Scuba diving certificate and knowledge of deep sea aquatic engineering a plus.

Career politicians, lawyers, and persons affiliated with the far left or the far right-fringe elements NEED NOT APPLY.

Philadephia, PA—The Daily Discord surrendered to authorities today after admitting they created the infamous photo plastered all over the media last week.  The image caused quite a commotion.

Maria Juarez of Guatemala City said, "I recognized the location and shouted, ‘Our day care center! The Earth has devoured our children!’"

"We never thought it would get this far," said Mick Zano, a Discord contributor.  "The hole in the photo looks ridiculously large, spherical, and fake…like Michael Moore."

CEO, Peirce Winslow, takes full responsibility for the incident.

"We picked this image out of four sink hole submissions.  The first had a big eye at the bottom (heh, heh), the second had a Cthulhu-like tentacle coming up out of it, and the last one depicted Reid and Pelosi doing some jungle love action down there.  I really didn’t understand that one.  I decided to keep it simple—just the big hole—and then we submitted the thing to places, and wow!  I wanted to correct the mistake, but sometimes good business is where you find it.  And sometimes, just sometimes, that somewhere is at the bottom of a giant PhotoShopped hole in Guatemala." 

"We thought we could get away with it," said Zano.  "I mean, who reports live from Guatemala?   We probably just fly over it with some secret Predator Blogs, or something.  But, it got too big too fast, so our lawyer suggested we come forward.  He’s a busy man, our lawyer."

If something you submit gets too big, too fast for over four hours, consult your physician immediately. 

Apparently, what happens in international waters, stays in international waters. If pirates are caught by, say, the Dutch Navy, the pirates are often immediately escorted back to Somalia, after being rewarded the complimentary case of Heineken. Forward to last week: the Russians foiled a pirate take-over of one of their own ships. When asked about the fate of the pirates, Vladimir Putin responded thusly:

"Ahhhh, it seems they have all died…of natural causes. We caught them, we had coffee, we smoked, and we let them go.  They took off in their little ship, and we waved goodbye.  We even gave them the complimentary Heineken. All seemed well. Then, it seems, er…they all died. We don’t know why. Not by us, I can assure you. We seem to be missing some bullets, but we see no correlation. One minute they were there, the next "poof" their gone. What a mystery, heh? We looked for them, but to no avail. The Heineken bottles were recovered and consumed by my men. We are shrugging our collective Russian shoulders over the whole thing."

Thank you, Vlad baby, for "dieing" those pirates for us, wink-wink-nudge-nudge. Your testicles are certainly growing. You will need a wheelbarrow for them soon, no? As they say in Italy, when you have oversized nuts, "Walk-a proud, Vlad.  Walk-a proud."

Washington, DC - To win the Global War on Terror, which the Obama Administration refers to as the Mild Mideast Squabble, Secretary of Defense Gates is requesting a radical approach.

"If the mouth of the Vice President could be weaponized, it might stop being a hindrance and become a key weapon in our fight against global jihadists."

When questioned about unleashing Joe Biden’s mouth on an entire region, and if the collateral damage could be contained, Gates backed off.

"Someday, hopefully soon, there will come a time when we’ll never have to hear Biden’s mouth at all—and, of course, we pray that we’ll never have to use his mouth in such an insidious capacity."

Officially, President Obama is refusing to comment, aside from these comments, "Having heard Joe’s mouth up close, it’s an intriguing idea."

Obama did assure the public that, "We would only use the Vice President’s mouth as a deterrent, on par with nuclear weapons or old Baywatch reruns."

Obama perked up when Gates explained how, if Biden’s mouth became weaponized, he would need to be moved to an undisclosed location and eventually stored within the bowels of Yucca Mountain. 

Biden responded by saying the plan for his mouth is "A big fucking deal."

Washington, DC—President Obama told reporters today his stimulus package is more of a long term job enhancement plan than a short term fix.

"We want you and your partner to get to work when the time is right for both of you…2011, 2012, whatever," said Obama. "It’s best not to rush these things."

Side effects of the job creation delay can include: poverty, homelessness, and a hobo-like body odor. If you do receive a job from the stimulus package and you experience shift-work that lasts more than eight hours, notify your Union Steward immediately.

In rare instances, you may experience considerably less free time during weekdays after accepting a stimulus created job. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery while at a stimulus-created job, unless you were hired for a job that requires the operation of heavy machinery. Do not attempt a stimulus job if you are still accepting unemployment compensation, as the combination may cause an unsafe drop in wages. Do not take stimulus created jobs if you are not healthy enough for vocational activity.

Call today about your stimulus job, or, better yet, wait until next month some time.

The Red Cross reports massive widespread abuses to those Haitian refugees shuttled to Gitmo as part of the ongoing rescue efforts.  According to Army Major General Ted Jenkins, the glitch occurred as a result of a memo that failed to reach all of the prison guards.

In his defense, General Jenkins said, "If I forget to hit reply all, my emails only go to one person.  Or, sometimes I even reply to myself when I accidentally start from my sent folder."

The General believes a similar error occurred at Abu Ghraib prison, when his memo, if you do plan to stack detainees into a naked pyramid, don’t take any pictures, was somehow mistakenly saved as a draft instead of forwarded to the intended recipients.

After hundreds of refugees were relocated from Port-au-Prince to the nearby detention facility, things quickly got ugly.

"I guess they figured business as usual," said Jenkins, laughing nervously.

According to the Red Cross, the new arrivals were all subjected to sleep deprivation, waterboarding, walling, and sexual humiliation, or the ‘Cheney Special’ as the guards like to call it.   Thankfully, there have been no reported deaths at Guantanamo Bay since the arrival of the refugees.

"But we don’t usually report those," admitted Jenkins. "Deaths tend to only come out after the investigations…but, hey, on the bright side, most of the folks were so thirsty they didn’t seem to mind the waterboarding."

General Jenkins assured authorities all of the abuses would stop immediately, "Except maybe the sexual humiliation.  It’s kind of a favorite around here." 

Earlier today, Jenkins told the Daily Discord he personally sent an email to cease and desist all torture activities.

"But I’m on wireless now, which is a little trickier," said Jenkins, "but I’m sure they got the message…but what does Error Code 0x8000FFFF mean?  And what is a WiFi Troubleshooter manager?"

Port-au-Prince, Haiti—Rescuers are calling off the hunt for survivors throughout Haiti as the people hauled out of the debris in the last few days are now choosing to return there in droves.

"It’s disheartening," said an American soldier, who would only identify himself as Captain Steve Manning of 172 Fourth St., Bethesda, MD, "but, I must admit, conditions are somewhat better under several tons of concrete."

"I’m going back in," said one Haitian survivor.  "And I will not come out again until Conan O’Brien makes a decision!"

Oh, forget it.  Scratch this one, Winslow.  Go with the song I wrote: On the asphalt, the city asphalt, the Tiger sleeps at night.  I’m telling you, Winslow, we can milk this Tiger Woods thing for another three months.  Trust me on this one.  When have I let you down?  Well, besides the iTit bit and my last several submissions.

Washington, DC - Iran has failed to meet their deadline to disarm, so President Obama warned how, in the near future, colorful metaphors are likely to descend on the defiant country.  Obama has assailed Iran with an increasingly terse tone—a tone that could escalate to swearing.

When asked if the Obama Administration is prepared to use any of George Carlin’s ‘seven words you can not say on television,’ Obama replied, "No options are off the table at this time."

If Iran continues to thumb their nose at the global community, Obama threatened an "egregious bout of profanity not seen since the Discord’s last Crank feature." 

Defense Secretary, Robert Gates, stated the dropping of the F-bomb itself is not a matter of if, but when.

"Plans to do anything meaningful to suspend Iran’s nuclear pursuits have been suspended until operation Mock and Caw takes full effect," said Gates.  "We’re even thinking of an outright regime change, so…like, instead of referring to the Iranian regime as the ‘Iranian regime’, we’re going to call it the ‘Iranian leadership’.  See?  We changed the regime with no loss of life."

"As for the old carrot and the stick analogy," said Obama,  "we have used the carrot, so now the time has come to use the smaller, less enticing carrot, and, of course, an egregious bout of profanity."

The Daily Discord would like to set the record straight on several recent errors:

"Obama to Undress Gay Community" was simply an unfortunate typo, honest.

"Michael J. Fox’s War on Parkinsons off to Shaky Start" shows a distinct lack of journalistic integrity and/or class.

Our headline "Plot Thickens Over Drunken MILFs Mysterious Knee Bruises" was found to be offensive to drunken slutty MILFs everywhere.

In our defense, our editing staff is underpaid and almost completely disinterested at this point.  They work in oppressive conditions under the constant fear and scrutiny of a mean and despicable man.  Did you happen to catch A Christmas Carol this year?  What Winslow would have done to those three ghosts…it makes me shudder.

Chicago, Ill—"Mistakes were made," said Tab Majors, chief organizer of World Aids Day.  "We certainly weren't encouraging people to go out and contract AIDS on World AIDS day."

Many believe the group's slogans, such as 'Join the Growing AIDS Coalition', were too ambiguous, and critics insist a comma between 'sex' and 'toy' could have avoided a lot of embarrassment during their Safe Sex Toy Drive.

Chaos ensued during their event designed to promote needle exchange programs.

"We certainly didn't want people banging hub right there in the middle of the parking lot and then passing the used needles around," said Majors.  "Who knew our fifteen-foot hypodermic needle float would be such a trigger?"

The chief organizer is also denying allegations his recent journal Study Suggests Promiscuity Decreases Masturbation has led to a marked increase in high-risk behaviors amongst scholarly teens.  Perhaps the worst misstep came when Mr. Majors announced over a loudspeaker that it was Condom Free Day instead of Free Condom Day.  The mistake was complicated by the timing—the gaffe occurred during the naked candlelight vigil directly after the Viagra snorting contest. 

"We will certainly rethink our decision to invite hordes of heroin using Haitian Hookers next year," said Majors, "Or at least not as many."

Arlington, TN—Arlington Mayor, Russell Wiseman, one of the three Mayorial Wiseman  who brought the gifts of holiday reruns to Jesus, is complaining about the decision to preempt Charlie Brown’s Christmas Special with, as Wiseman put it, "Obama’s Afghany War, Muslim bullshit" (OAWMB).

As the only adult in the room, President Barak Obama responded to the Tennessee mayor’s criticism thusly, "Mwwaah-mmm-mwa-mwa-mwaa-hmmm-mw-mwa-mwaa."

He then added, "Mayor, I am going to hold this football and I want you to run and kick it as hard as you can."

Obama then added, "Peanuts?  You want to talk about Peanuts?  Try looking at your federal budget next year, Mayor Burgermeister Meisterburger."

Both Charlie Brown and the Burgermeister Meisterburger were unavailable for comment. 

Washington, DC - It was history in the making when Senator Lindsey Graham nailed Attorney General Eric Holder’s skinny ass on national television.  It was so cool that I still can't stand up without bustin' a zipper. Doing his best "Ahm frum thu south ahn ah tahlk like a Looney Tunes roo-stuh", Senator Graham asked Holder all the questions he couldn't possibly answer. The following is an exact quote (but, keep in mind, I was on cold medicine at the time).

"Well now, Ah-say ah-say yah cain’t take a prizzonnuh on the battlefield, interruhgate his ass for ye-uhs without Mirandizin hium, and send hium tuh a Federal cowert fo ah civil triuhl without they-uh being some question as to the legality of the whole sichiashun. That is, uh, unless one wuz to assume they-uh was some unduhlyin agenda for embarassin a previous President to deflect from the current state of affaiuhs, unduhmiuhnin the CIA and our brave boys in unifo-uhm, and possible getting the bastuhds owff on uh technicality. Fuythuhmo-er, If ya start Mirandizin all the prizzonuhs you take on thuh battlefield, that don't leave a whole lot of wayz or tahm fo-er the CIA to get its intelligence, now does-ah-say-does it, mistuh Holder?"

That was good for me.  Was it good for you?

Palestinian Authority President, Mahmoud Abbas, shocked the world by announcing he will not seek reelection. During a meeting on November 6th, Abbas suddenly broke into the famous Groucho Marx song, "Hello, I must be going…" 

When asked why the Palestinian leader was bowing out, he said, "My name is too much like the pop band Abba.  It’s becoming an unnecessary distraction."

He went on t