| Jesus Fingers Zeus as Assailant in Police Lineup |
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Monroe, OH—Jesus identified Zeus, the supreme diety of Greek mythology, as the perpetrator responsible for torching the six-story Jesus statue last week. Jesus was able to successfully single out the giant partially-clad, lightning-bolt wielding Greek god from a police lineup, as the giant partially-clad, lightning-bolt wielding Greek god from last week’s Ohio mayhem. Although, it looks like Jesus might be pointing to bigfoot in the above picture, police assured the press that Jesus was simply, "Messing with Sasquatch."
"He does that," said Monroe Police Chief, Jack Goldman. "Jesus is a cruel bastard when it comes right down to it. You should have seen what he did to Nessie, just because her existence flies in the face of Biblical reason."
Zeus was given the chance to strike a plea bargain yesterday; he decided instead to strike a giant oak tree outside of the courthouse. The act immediately set the tree and a neighboring daycare center ablaze. Meanwhile, Jesus is said to be letting the justice system do its job and is refraining from going all "Old Testament on his ass."
"Better deal than Nessie got," said Chief Goldman. "I still got people mopping in there." |
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| Everybody Photoshop Muhammad Day? |
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Philadelphia, PA—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is furious that no one posted any of the Daily Discord’s submissions for this week’s Draw Muhammad Day.
"Sure, we Photoshopped the shit, but that’s how we roll. Who draws? Do I look like I still play with crayons, you cretin-blogging dickwads?! OK, don’t answer that."
Witnesses claim that Winslow has grown completely irrational after the realization that every blogger from Seattle to Georgia refused to post any of the Daily Discord’s twenty-seven computer generated submissions.
"That’s nonsense," disagreed Discord contributor, Mick Zano. "Winslow’s always completely irrational."
Since no one picked up any of the controversial material, Mr. Winslow is calling for lashings, beheadings, and belashings—which is, actually, more reminiscent of his ill-received Draw Muhammad in Drag Day. In retaliation, the Daily Discord is planning to host Everybody Photoshop Muhammad Day next week and Winslow would like to add, "And we’re not taking any of your submission at this time, bitches." |
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| Heroin Addicts Protest Military’s Plan to Eradicate Opium in Afghanistan |
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Washington, DC—Heroin addicts everywhere are protesting the Obama Administration’s decision to interrupt the flow of opium production across Afghanistan.
"Farmers everywhere should be able to grow whatever herbs, vegetables, or Oxycotton trees they see fit," said Rush Limbaugh.
Chip "Chipper" Smith had this to say, "This will have unintended consequences for small businessmen across America. Soon I’ll have to pay for government run healthcare and there’s not an ER within fifty-miles that will even let me the fuck in. Talk about the audacity of dope!"
Several dozen people arrived outside the White House to protest the military’s focus on curtailing Afghani opium production. Most of their signs were not upright, however, and the group seemed rather lethargic.
One unidentified man holding a sign reading ‘Vicodin for Victory’ had this to say, "I think there should be…………………I think there. They better not stop the opium production because…" Upon waking, the man added, "I don’t think there should be……."
The non-violent, some seemingly non-breathing, protestors plan to assemble again at this same spot tomorrow, right after the methadone clinic closes but before the pubs open—a time known to local heroin addicts as the Tweaklight Zone.
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| In an Effort to Elude Authorities the Pope Ducks Behind this Holy Prop |
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| Flappy Yeaster Everybody! |
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| And on the 3rd Day Yeast Rose |
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| This Just In: |
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| If this isn't a cry for help, I don't know what is... |
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| Your Insistence, Fair Reader, that I’m Glum and Hopeless Makes Me Want to Shoot My Face Off |
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| By Mick Zano |
We are getting some feedback here at Discord Central and, though it pains me to admit it, not all of it is good. People are starting to comment on my sinicism.
To my critics I say, “how could I be synical if I can’t even spell the word?”
Despite the mountain of facts to the contrary, more and more readers feel I am pessimistic, dark, and, according to at least one Crank, prone to bouts of verbal diarrhea (which doesn’t even make sense in this venue). Today, here and now, I hope to dispel these unfounded rumors. Think of this post as a short-term, blog-cleansing diet. I have taken and solved many of the challenges we humans face in the early 21st century, and, more importantly, I’ve placed these solutions into an easily digestible table format. Click on the Read More button and, well, read more…
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| Archeologist Ignores Disembodied Call of Subterranean Old Ones |
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Arkham, MA - When a mysterious summons ebbed from a newly formed fissure in the Earth’s crust, Dr. Sterling Hogbien, of the Hogbien Institute and Boutique, decided, in his own words, to “give it a miss”. The aged archeologist felt that climbing through the nethermost caverns to the ancient tomb of Yog-Sothoth in the heart of the deep-frozen city “just sounded like a bad idea.” Hogbein asserts that the huge sinkhole formed in his backyard shortly after poring over a grimoire known only as the Necronomicon. A tentacled god-like beast from unknown Kadath then psychically reached across the void and asked Hogbien if he wouldn’t mind tearing out his own throat and bringing him the ancient text, in no particular order. Hogbein reportedly apologized for any inconvenience, but denied the request on the grounds that he really needed to do some laundry and get to the bank that day.
“I don’t know why anyone would wade down through the subterranean Black Lake of Ubboth when there are perfectly reasonable things to do around the house,” said Hogbien. “Some people take this archeology thing a bit too far.” Although, to be polite, he did tell the monstrous inter-dimensional entity, “maybe next time.”
According to Hogbien the hole has since resealed itself.
When asked if he had any regrets about not climbing into what might have been the archeological discovery of a lifetime, Hogbien replied, “You’re fucking kidding, right?”
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| Ode to Nunchaku |
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| How many nuns would a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns? |
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Easter Special Edition:
Jesus Lives! |
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Mii Plaza – Jesus, the accepted savior for millions of Christians world wide, largely believed to have ascended into heaven after a brief return from the dead back in AD 30, has been found alive and well in the virtual world of the Nintendo Wii. Fed up with the burdens and controversies surrounding being the central figure of the world’s largest religion, Jesus reportedly went into hiding to escape the crap.
“It’s a hassle” admits the messiah, “between the complaints from disgruntled victims, the "gimme gimme's", the perverted so-called holy men, and my name being used to justify everything from restricting freedom to mass-murdering crusades, I’ve had it.”
There have been a multitude of Jesus sightings since his departure from public life. He’s been seen everywhere from insane asylums to potato chips. However, recently the Lord has reportedly been making a meager living as the lowest ranked boxer in the hugely popular boxing game in Wii Sports, a video game suite included with millions of Nintendo Wii units sold world wide. He's trying to lay low going by the alias David.
“It’s a living. I’ve been preaching humble existence for millennia,” states the savior, “This way not only can I keep millions entertained, I can give malcontents the opportunity to beat the shit out of me for whatever they perceive that I have done (or not done) to them. I also dabble in baseball, but I don’t have a large contract like some players. Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you Shouta!”
Many believe that the apocalypse is looming what with the coming end of the Myan calendar; the war, famine, pestilence, and death played out in our daily new reports; and the fact that these aspects match up with every prophecy from the Bible to Nostradamus to Izzy the Nose. We took this unique oppoortunity ask Jesus to address this point. All he had to say was “Oh go ask Vishnu, I’m on my wine break. Besides, miracles have no place in sports.”
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| Unemployment Compensation for Dummies |
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| By Dave Atsals |
Only in Pennsylvania, although I doubt it, can you break a state law when you’re working, be convicted, and still collect unemployment compensation if terminated for this transgression. |
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| The Horny Goat Weed Question |
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| By Mick Zano |
What exactly is Goat Weed, let alone Horny Goat Weed? Moving west has taught me many valuable life lessons, like the importance of staying east. In the dank underbelly of some seedy Nevada truck stop, I found myself enthralled with a urinal condom machine (it wasn’t the first time). On this metal cultural microcosm of western wanking were emblazoned the words "enhance your sex life with Horny Goat Weed". Below were the words "Proven Effective". Proven, not just "studies suggest", or "emerging research indicates", but "proven" to help me in an area that can always, always be kicked up a notch. What the heck? I’m not beyond enhancing my sex-life through 75 cent restroom novelty items. Who is? But what exactly is Horny Goat Weed? |
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| Rethinking Traditionalism or Putting the ‘Fun’ Back Into Fundamentalism |
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| By Pokey McDooris |
We progressives have long ago left behind the old world of our parents and grandparents. Instead of going to church, we meditate. Instead of grace before our dinners, we slap high-fives before pizza and chips in front of the TV. Instead of courting our next wife, we impregnate drunken clubbies and later have them assassinated by remote control.
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| Top 10 things I learned at college |
- 10. Sincerity – I am a one girl man, Kim
- 9. Diplomacy— It got me out of bar fights with men called Psycho.
- 8. Persuasion – Helped me to get others to type, research, and edit my term papers.
- 7. Multi-tasking — How to drink beer, shoot pool, and study all at once.
- 6. Sincerity— I am a one girl man, Patty.
- 5. Deception— How to look 21 when you’re 18
- 4. Penmanship— How to sign other people’s signatures.
- 3. Physical fitness— helped with moving kegs.
- 2. Business skills — How to raise money throwing keg parties.
- 1. Leadership — My team will not be defeated, at beer bong or quarters, right Danielle?
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| Enter the Ghetto Shaman |
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| By Pokey McDooris |
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Traditional shamanic practices employ chanting, dancing, sweat lodge and fasting to induce altered states of consciousness. Long ago, cave dwellers created these rituals to achieve insight and wisdom. With guidance from ‘plant spirits,’ shaman priests discovered roots, vines, cacti, and mushrooms that, when ingested, stimulated the nervous system, allowing access to perceptions of abnormal frequencies of consciousness. |
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| Zeus Claims Responsibility for Destroying Ohio Jesus Statue |
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Athens, GR—Zeus, the supreme deity of Greek mythology, admitted to authorities today that he hurled the lightning bolt that destroyed the six-story Jesus statue off I-75 in Monroe, Ohio.
People who witnessed the incident claim, the clouds parted and then a large, partially clad Greek God yelled down, "Take that, you fucker!"
And then Jesus said unto him, "Father, why have you forsaken…oh, it’s not you this time."
The statue then burst into flames and melted.
One witness claims Jesus said, "I’m melting, I’m melting," but this parishioner later admitted her account may be distorted by consuming "way too much Blood of Christ and, oh, I had a little Captain in me."
When asked why he did it, Zeus said, "It was originally Prometheus’ idea, the bloody pyro."
Zeus also blamed his poor behavior on a childhood filled with abuse and neglect.
"My father, Cronus, was a real asshole. The bastard ate all of my brothers, among other things. You just don’t get over that…"
When asked if he was sorry for his actions, he said, "Jesus had it coming. That wanker stole so much shit from, my boy, Dionysus, it ain’t funny."
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| In Honor of "Draw Muhammad Day" |
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| Moe-Hammad |
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| Vatican to Use Harry Potter’s ‘Sorting Hat’ to Pick Next Pope |
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Rome, IT (or thereabouts)—Vatican officials, along with someone known only as the Albino Priest, have decided to "switch it up" for their next pope picking extravaganza.
When asked if the decision to use the 'Sorting Hat' from the wildly popular Harry Potter series might be deemed "way too f-ing Pagan" by some of the parishioners, the Vatican had this to say, "The gig is up, the cat is out of the bag, the fat lady is singing, and the altar boys are pressing charges. In no way will people continue to buy the whole ‘divinely picked thing’ at this point. Besides, it's not like we haven't absorbed some Pagan stuff before."
The Vatican believes that "whatever they choose to pick the next Pope couldn't be worse."
The Albino Priest had this to say, "We hope to just incorporate parts of the Potter series into our faith. The Gospel of Dumbledore is due to release in June, and you can’t tell me we won’t gain some popularity with the young’ins with our Christ Church of Wizardry."
As part of the deal, R.K. Rowling will be awarded an entire wing of the Vatican for weekly treasure baths.
"Rumors to divide the Catholic Church into congregations like Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, or Hufflepuff are just that, rumors," said the Albino Priest. "Now if we could only get the sorting hat to stop picking Cardinal Snape." |
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| Hitch-Slapping 101: Why Christopher Hitchens Should be King |
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| By Mick Zano |
 Christopher Hitchens is a god among men. Of course, the atheistic cynic would never put it quite like that but, nevertheless, I would like to take a moment to both praise and condemn the self-righteous bastard. If you have never checked out Hitchens, you should. He’s a contributor for Vanity Fair and Slate Magazine, or you can always check out his website, The Hitchen’s Zone, where he pulls off a cross between Alfred Hitchcock and Rod Serling like no other. He recently called Alexander Haig a "Neurotic narcissist with an unquenchable craving for power." This, of course, occurred when other people were paying their respects to his still warm corpse. In wake of the church’s child abuse cover-ups, he said the Pope’s "whole career has the stench of evil about it." Whereas the Pope is still theoretically alive, he is—in part thanks to Hitchens—the poster boy for the So, you weren’t really divinely picked, were you? group on Facebook …I would join this group but, unfortunately, I was divinely picked. John Paul II did manage to keep that divine-designation-thing (DDT) at least somewhat of a mystery for a time. Kudos to him. The good news, Herr Benedict may move some folks beyond mere fundamental thinking (many out of pure disgust). Hey, maybe God is still popenipotent, but maybe his picker is broken. God is slated for Larry King Live next week, where he/she will refute Zano’s claims with the likes of: "I didn’t mean him. I was pointing toward that other bloke in the back with the funny hat. Really…I was. I wanted that fellow who would have stopped all the shenanigans with the young’ins and continue with my work and such. No, I’m not talking about buggering, you stupid bastard."
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| Gaffe Guru Biden Introduces a Scandal Weary Pope |
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| "It's a kid fucking deal." |
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| Fox News Alert: Five Reasons Why We Should Always Remember to Hate Homosexuals. |
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| By Alex Bone |
In the chaos of world events and our declining economy, America has clearly entered uncertain times. We are all juggling multiple jobs, multiple credit cards, and multiple hookers (sorry Tiger). And, as times get tighter and America decays under the weight of its own gluttony and greed, it is often harder to remember our moral priorities. This is where Fox News presents: The Five Reasons Why We Should Always Remember to Hate Homosexuals.
With the liberals telling us that love is always okay on one hand, and the GLBT movement demanding fair treatment on the other, a decent god-fearing Christian can often lose their way within the fog of human rights advocation. After all, we all know that Jesus believed we should love all mankind, unless, of course, they are different from us (Malkinicus 3:11).
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| McMahon Replaces St. Peter! First Job: Heeeeeeere’s Michael! |
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Ed McMahon’s only regret is dying two days after Farrah Fawcett.
“Oh, I would have welcomed her to heaven with open arms…Heeeere’s Farrah! It would have been glorious,” joked McMahon.
He also reports his first job went smoothly enough.
“Michael Jackson gave me a high five and moon walked into paradise.”
God has apparently grown bored with St. Peter, whose own greeting ‘Hi Ho’ was dull and kind of a Kermit the Frog rip off. In fact, Jim Henson thought the greeting was personalized for him and has since been bitching about copyright violations.
“Besides,” said God. “When you spend a lifetime trying to do the right thing, you should be greeted to heaven with, well, Ed does it best.”
God admits that Ed McMahon was slated to die in 2012 but a recent argument with St. Peter forced God’s hand, so to speak.
“The new job is great,” claims McMahon, but he admits to some early glitches. The other day he greeted Billy Mays as, “Here’s that Oxy Clean guy.” Mays was not amused. McMahon admits there are still some bugs to work out. “And St. Peter’s is still being kind of a dick about the whole thing.”
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| Proof of Jurassic Ark? |
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Taos, NM—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Waffle Shop, recently challenged the Creation Museum of Petersburg, KY, to produce “any shred of proof” to support their claim that dinosaurs co-existed with man. A picture, depicted above, arrived several weeks later with a short letter condemning Dr. Sterling Hogbein, the Daily Discord, and, for some reason, the entire infield of the Florida Marlins.
Dr. Sterling Hogbein, using his controversial ‘enhanced archeological techniques,’ conducted several tests on the image and claims his inability to disprove the picture’s authenticity “proves nothing save my own painful incompetence!”
How the Creation Museum’s picture is believed to support the notion that man and dinosaurs coexisted shortly before the time of Jesus remains unclear. The shadow of a toy dinosaur appears in the foreground of the image to the backdrop of a cartoonish figure, something in the Hanna Barbera family, possibly Scooby-Do. Dr. Hogbein believes it resembles Freddie’s cousin, who only appeared in one or two episodes. A second theory has surfaced which identifies the image as the lead male from Josie and the Pussycats. “Our investigation is still in the preliminary stages,” explained Hogbein. “We haven’t even ruled out Freddie himself, but the no-ascot-thing has us flummoxed.” Although the aged archeologist admitted that identifying DNA from an animated figure is “tricky business,” Hogbein remains hopeful that a positive ID will be discovered. Due to his recent ill-fated trip to the heartland, Dr. Hogbein is now suing the Creation Museum for the price of the entrance ticket, gas, and other travel expenses involving prostitutes. Dr. Hogbein has added a severance package to his legal claim for hardships suffered during the excursion, or, as his lawyer put it: “being subjected to inner Kentucky for no legitimate purpose.”
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| Thou Shart That? |
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Taos, NM - Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Pro Shop, admits his recent version of The Bhagavad Gita contained one all important mistranslation. Typically the Vedic words Tat tvam asi mean “thou art that.” Dr. Hogbein, admittedly inebriated at the time, inserted an erroneous word creating the phrase “Tat tvam paikhana,” which roughly translates as: “Thou Art Loose Stool.”
Dr. Hogbein further complicated his mistake by repeatedly referring to Brahman, the godhead of Hindu mythology, as the great ‘paikhana-head.’ This blasphemy set off a veritable paikhana storm across parts of the already bitchy Indus Valley region.
One reader warned that any further affronts to Krishna and the “paikhana would really hit the palm frond.”
Hogbein defended his actions by adding “paikhana happens,” and then mooned the press to punctuate his point.
The aged archeologist has cancelled his upcoming conference in Paikhanastan for obvious reasons.
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| POSITION DESIRED: PRESIDENT OF THE DISCORD NATION |
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| By Dave Atsals |
EDUCATION:
Faber College, PA: BS in Education (social sciences), with minors in marketing, industrial safety. BS, and a master’s degree in Anatomy by Brail.
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| The Daily Discord’s Top 10 Survival Guide |
- Continue to procreate, you may need to eat your young
- Watch Survivor Man and remember which bugs are edible
- Start planting food now, like lasagna trees (are Hot Pockets annual or perennial?)
- Increase offspring’s chances for survival by naming them Mad Max, John Connor, or Roland of Gilead
- Bang rocks together (this won’t help, but it may drive away your annoying neighbors)
- Remember, all you need is love (and canned goods)
- Rent every Gilligan’s Island episode from Netflix and take notes
- Stockpile your cash (it may come in handy as kindling)
- Learn how to make his and hers loincloths from soup labels
- Read Raping and Pillaging for Dummies (important: do not implement before police force is disbanded)
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| Discord Horoscope |
Aries (March 21-Aril 19) Your Hyundai will explode leaving a better handling black thing in your driveway. Bad week to eat licorice.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) You will be controlled by aliens from Rigel 4. They will make you act out the funnier American Idol episodes.
Gemini (March 21-Aril 19) Avoid dangling midgets.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Flatulence will be a problem in the weeks to come. Dealings with a financial consultant will leave your frigid.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22) Befriend the elk, give him a home. Bury all that oppose you in the root cellar. The elk is the way to salvation. Good time to finish that project you’ve been postponing.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22) Stop being a dick to your employees. Stop being a dick to your employer. You’re such a dick.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22) If you persist in the art of love, you may strain something. The setback may be costly, so befriend a doctor. Bring him a knick knack from the garage.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) Don’t wear your ripped Jim Beam shirt to the board meeting. You’re sock is under the couch. I wouldn’t risk retrieving it.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21) Couples need to renew that romantic feeling. Seek out a very special place with meaning for just the two of you and set fire to it. Spread the ashes in the shape of a pentagon and kill a goat (say what you want, but it beats public television).
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan19) Don’t wear a cap unless you plan to taunt squirrels. Tonight: battery run devices loom large in your love-life.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb18) Avoid extravagance. If you see the worked extravagance in a public place, kill it. Try not to worry about your poofy hair.
Pisces (Feb9-March19) File harassment charges against a random stranger. Improve your tennis game at the expense of others. |
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| Hitch is Not Great: How Rationalists Are Wrong About One Thing |
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| By Mick Zano |
During my recent interview with Christopher Hitchens, which occurred without his knowing, we—or more accurately, I—discussed his most recent book: God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything. I originally titled this article “Hooray for the Hate-Monger Christopher Hitchens,” but my colleagues eventually nixed that idea. Still squeamish about my recent Copenhagen foray into political cartooning, I heeded their advice. I do, in all sincerity, applaud Christopher Hitchens, as both a journalist and a thinker. I have thoroughly enjoyed the vast majority of his acerbic ruminations on any number of subjects. It is hard to argue with a rationalist, because they, by their very nature, tend to be…er, rational. However, I cannot endorse the views he espouses in God Is Not Great, nor do I intend to stray into the dubious realms of irrationality.
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| Burger King Mascot Linked to Night Terrors in Children |
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A growing number of children equate the Burger King Mascot with extreme fear and anxiety. According to one recent study, the negative impact on dream content is unquestionable.
“He just creeps me out,” says Sarah Jones of Prescott, AZ. “Why didn’t they just go with a clown or something?”
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| Who’s Looking Out for “True”? |
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| By Mick Zano |
How do we really know what’s going on? Truth seems harder to find than an Obama supporter on the Appalachian Trail. These days, how can anyone parse out the truth in politics, culture, or even science? Yes, even science is suspect. |
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| God Responds to Daily Discord’s "Draw Muhammad Day" Entry |
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Intercourse, PA—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, watched as the Supreme Diety burned his rural Pennsylvania home to the ground over Memorial Day weekend.
"It was horrible," said Winslow. "God can really make you feel helpless. Sure, you can flip him off and yell obscenities from your front lawn, but if that fucker wants to torch your house, he’s gonna do it."
Winslow believes that God tried to contact the Daily Discord several times last week, but his messages were ignored.
"Zano just doesn’t answer shit," said Winslow. "He’s like an idiot savant without the savant. We have good people contributing material and we never answer any of them. God himself even tried our contact button last week, but we rarely answer such things. Heck, there’s a porn star that keeps emailing the Ghetto Shaman and we didn’t even answer her last few questions. So, under those circumstances, what chance does God have for a response, really? On that note, what’s the difference between a porn star and God? I would get up early on Sunday for a porn star."
Winslow added, "I don’t even know why he’s sticking up for Muhammad. That prophet has issues. Somehow our article Jesus to be Brought before Grand Jury in Church Abuse Case goes unnoticed, not to mention all of our recent Pope bashing and now the big guy goes and picks a fight?"
Winslow wants God to know that a Mr. Cohen will be pressing his contact button soon, bitch.
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| Zeus's Balls Found in Malta |
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| Jesus to be Brought Before Grand Jury in Church Abuse Case |
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Vatican City, um, Vatican City – According to Discord sources, Jesus Christ, alias "Dave," was recently issued a subpoena in the ongoing Catholic Church child molestation investigation. As the "Christ" figure in the "Vicar of Christ" moniker, he is being painted as the kingpin of an organized child molestation community.
"’Suffer the little children cum unto me [Luke 18:16]’? I think that says it all," stated Hymie Fez, Chief Lawsuit Filer. "On top of that, he’s the guy that appointed that Pope…um…accomplice."
At a minimum, the Savior is in grave danger of losing his position as hiring manager.
The Discord’s own Cokie McGrath, did some seedy investigation and turned up some publicly known evidence. Apparently Jesus and his alleged father were behind a series of nine, mass ride-through slashings beginning in 1095.
"We also have him tied to some 278,000 counts of the sale of indulgences," said Fez. "Imagine a guy in his position being stupid enough to get into petty number-running."
The FBI, in conjunction with Interpol, are setting up a series of sting operations in order to capture this fiend. Every month there is a landslide of reports of pictures of the culprit in places like potato chips, cheese sandwiches, and insane asylums, but the Lord is proving to be evasive. This has led to the formation of vigil-ente patrols.
"We get leads from the media," remarked Wil Gettum, leader of the vigil-ente organization. "We hear that he’ll be in town every now and then. Cosmic alignments, comet-passings, and big-shit droppings all bring in a lot of reports. But he has yet to show himself."
Until concrete evidence comes to light, the vigil-ente community will be spending a lot of time in church. |
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| To Protect Against Church Abuses... |
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| kids taught difference between good sacrament, bad sacrament |
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| Jesus Tells Obama to "Grow a Pair" |
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In an exclusive interview, the Son of God interviewed Barak "Messiah" Obama. Christ almost immediately called Obama a "whiner" and said today’s political climate was "child’s play" compared to his own experiences.
"You try transitioning mankind from the Old Testament to the New Testament some time," said Jesus. "Now that’s change you can believe in. When I came into power people were stoning gays to death, and God was smiting this and smiting that. He was taking out whole towns, for My sake."
When Obama questioned how he handled economic issues, Jesus said, "I, quite literally, turned the tables on the economic gurus of the time."
But Jesus admitted he was out of control that day, which he attributes to consuming too much "Blood of Me." Jesus has never been able to forgive himself for his actions, because "Forgiveness is not my scene, man."
"Look," said Jesus, "they can’t do anything worse to you than they did to me."
When Obama asked him to recount his final moments, Jesus said, "Well, it was a lot better than Mel Gibson’s portrayal in the Passion of the Christ but it was a lot worse than Monty Python’s version in Life of Brian."
Jesus also admitted the Shroud of Turin was a fake, but that the grilled cheese image from Carolina was legit.
"I just happened to be in town and thought, fry not?" |
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| Ask the Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Do you have any forecast for the near future? A lot of people feel some serious stuff is going to go down in the years to come, and I was wondering about your thoughts on the subject.
Thanks!
Jackie O
Hemet, CA
Dear Jackie,
Here’s my forecast:
| 2010 |
2011 |
2012 |
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| Sunny Skies |
Partly Cloudy |
50% Chance of Mayan Gods |
The Ghetto Shaman
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| The Good Opinions of Others |
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| By Pokey McDooris |
For Lent I gave up fast food, and ejaculating, of course.
I haven’t slept in days, but I meditate. The energy builds and circulates throughout my entire body. I then walk to the park to practice T’ai Chi Ch’uan while the energy spirals up my spine.
I wander to Washington Boulevard and cut through the alley without purpose or destination. I have no money; my psyche hangs on one theme: women. |
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| Jurassic Ark? |
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Petersburg, KY—Evangelicals have wrestled with the mounds of overwhelming Bible-conflicting data that dinosaurs roamed the Earth long before Jesus. To their credit, some of these Christianists have successfully married vast quantities of conflicting dogma. You can learn all about these stunning revelations with a two day pass to the Creation Museum in Petersburg, KY. The price tag is only $29.95, which is recommended, because it’s a lot of bullshit to swallow in just one day. Creation Museumists posit that two of each dinosaur went with Noah on his fateful journey to Atlantis (OK, I never read the Bible, but I have rented Life of Brian twice). The museum even features a saddled dinosaur that kids can ride, just like Jesus did (like Jesus would ever pay the cover).
Who could forget when Jesus said, “Blessed are the Meekasaurs.”
What compounds the Creation Museum’s Jurassic Ark Theory (JAT) is the recent discovery of some super-sized dinosaurs in South America, circa 100 million years ago (Christian translation = last Tuesday). The average brontosaurus is about the size of four elephants, but Argentinosaurus was apparently the biggest land animal ever and was closer to one of those Lord of the Rings’ Olyphants. To house two of each kind of these newly discovered monsters, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Humidor, estimates Noah’s Ark would have to be “really fucking big.”
Dr. Hogbein, most known for his anthropological binge drinking, also had this to say: “Argentinosaurus, no doubt, posed some engineering challenges for Noah that could only be explained by divine intervention. Oh…”
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| Separation of State and Church |
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| By Pierce Winslow |
I am floored at how this country touts its "freedom of religion" and how it claims to separate church and state. The truth is, these days you really only have freedom of religion if you are a member of one of several main-stream Christian religions, or to a lesser extent Judaism. And then the only reason that you have such freedom of religion is because you already agree with the laws in play. If you are a devotee of, oh lets say Voodoo, you are screwed, Dude. This article is going to sound a lot like the Crank Manifesto, but this shit is really PISSING ME OFF!
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| POSITION DESIRED: ADVISOR TO THE INTEGRAL WARLORD |
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| By Pokey McDooris |
EDUCATION:
Faber College, PA. BA in Philosophy with a minor in Claymation Pornography.
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| Finger Puppets the Most Misunderstood of Toys |
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It’s times like these I really begin to question this project.
“It’ll be fun,” Pierce told me. “Think of the travel, the women, the high adventure.”
What a load of crap!
This week, Mr. Winslow said, “Why don’t you do something on finger puppets?”
He really said that—with a straight face.
“Mick,” he said, “our readers are sick of you and the Crank going at it about last week’s news.” Then, with the same straight face, he goes, “A feature on finger puppets, now that’s the ticket.”
How can I even respond to that? I hate him.
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| Putting the Mental Back in Fundamentalism |
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| By Mick Zano |
 Your assessment of fundamentalism is as flawed as your pal the ghetto shaman’s Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise (never again, by the way). You insist that there are elements of traditionalism that are fundamental to our continued evolvement as a species. Whereas this is inherently true, few, if any of these societal guidelines needs be legislated by our marred and battered legal system. What our laws need to focus on in the twenty-first century is mutual respect and mutual respect alone…you know, Ron Paul country. If the spirit of mutual respect can be infused through our laws and our legal system (sorry, that’s too funny) then and only then will we retain this foundation of which you speak. By respecting each stage and each level, and by allowing each individual to remain precisely where they are in the spectrum, is all that is necessary. All the way from our Crank Manifesto’s orange/blue rants to our Ghetto Shaman’s…ahh, you know, I can’t actually figure that guy out. By the way, the Ghetto Shaman has moved to Florida and is sending us his ‘column’ each week on badly stained bar coasters.
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| A Brief History of Anything |
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| By Mick Zano |
How do I condense forty years of life-knowledge into a single Discord column? OK, more accurately, how do I fill the whole column? After four decades, I find myself knowing suspiciously little—masters level little—on-line masters level little (or OLMLL to those who can still tolerate our lousy acronym jokes). Whereas I have predicted many recent political events—or more accurately, their horrific ramifications—I hardly think it took much insight. I’ve never felt smarter than any U.S. president, until now. But thanks anyway, W, for playing your own small part in the boosting of my self esteem. Granted, it’s at the cost of the American way of life, but che sara. In fact, Che Guevara for all I care.
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| Jesus’ Agenda Found! |
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| In a cave near Tikrit, Iraq, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Brasserie, has unearthed a scroll revealing Jesus’ agenda. “This is huge,” claims Dr. Hogbein, “like the ‘second coming’ all over again.” | |
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| Sexism, Paganism and the Lost Gospel of Moe |
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| By Pokey McDooris and Mick Zano |
Christianity remains shadowed by the sexist authoritative indoctrination that fueled the establishment of the Orthodox Church for centuries. We must come to terms with our religion’s shady history in order to cleanse our psyches from any prejudices that inhibit the authentic experience of compassion, love, God and barely legal Japanese anime. |
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Dear Mick Zano: You’re fired
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