Enlarge...

Mars—"Let’s do it like they do it on the Discovery Channel" has a new, more cosmic, meaning today.  NASA scientists watched, in horror, as the latest rover footage from the red "hot" planet reveals the Spirit lander "scouting out" the Scout probe.  NASA believes that the blackout period in January of 2004 was all part of this insidious rover rendezvous, this illegal droidian download, this planetary probe probing, this hydraulic hanky-panky, this bionic booty call, this mechanical mambo, this….I’m being told to stop.

NASA scientists are considering a phone call to PPS (Probe Protective Services) fearing the unauthorized cybernukie may not be consensual. It is likely that the video, shot by the aptly named "Opportunity", may be deemed child pornography since none of the participants are of age.

Since commands to Opportunity have thus far been ignored, the racy spacey mating ritual may continue for the next several years, or until Opportunity blows a fuse, or blows something else.

Toyota announced their fix for the stuck gas pedal problem on some of their most popular models, as well as the brake failure problem on their hybrid Prius.

"We have a sorution.  One fix fol arl moders," said Toyota spokesman Heowaki Kausakarastinki, in a culturally insensitive dialect.

The sorution, uhh, solution, involves the installation of an emergency arrest system activated by pressing a large red button, depicted above, located on the steering wheel.

Kausakarastinki claims the inspiration came from those Staples Easy Button commercials. The fix is available immediately at no charge to the consumer, but it does significantly reduce luggage capacity in the trunk of most models.

Kausakarastinki warns that the button should never be used to deter tailgaters, but he believes the device will gradually have a positive impact on traffic patterns in the future across our great country. 

Apple does it again. Today Apple announced the successful development of a breast implant that can both store and play music.  The iTit only costs $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. The surgery to install the device is not included, but talk about Silicon Valley!  And here’s the best part, guys—just hitting the play button will get you great music and to second base.  This is also being considered a major social breakthrough, because women have always complained how men stare at their breasts but don’t listen to them.  That problem ends today!  You may also choose to listen to NPR (Nipple Public Radio) to stay abreast of the situation. And, tuning into the right station has never been more fun.

But wait, there’s more!

If you order now, we’ll throw in the second iTit free! The item does come with a manufacture’s warning: there is a slight risk of suffocation when using the surround sound feature, but, hey, if you gotta go... 

Batteries not included and void where probhibitit.  Yes, we used that joke again. Apparently, they come in pairs.  Apple did have some bad news today.  Their latest line of booty-mounted smart phones, the Dingleberry, only comes in brown. (Hat tip: Tommy T.) 

A recent non-experimental study conducted at Washington Middle School suggests a rotund correlation between heavier children and lipid-related peer-scrutiny (LRPS).  Actually, it was more of a survey, really…OK, we stopped some fat kid in the hall, but we really feel there is something to this.

After interviewing an Elvis clone at the Graceland Genome Institute and Nail Salon, our own Cokie McGrath had this to say, “These people are &^%$ing creepy.”  McGrath determined that Elvis Clones are tabloid savvy and represent “only a moderate risk to the general public.”

It’s been a long week and I still haven’t gotten to the bank or post office, so could you please use your imagination a little bit? Humor me. Think about how oriental Chia Pets would react to the unethical cloning of those freaky childhood monkey-brine thingies from our childhoods.  I wanted a decoder ring.  They sounded cool.  Sea monkeys were OK, I suppose, but there was nothing really monkey-like about them.

"Having a Time Lord for a son has its challenges," admits Jimmy's mother. "He has always been a jokester—always putting a whoopee cushion on your seat, propping a bucket of water over a doorway, or setting your bed on fire while you sleep. Such a goof, that boy." Jimmy's father had this to say about his son's recent Aztec hijinks, "Well, it's better than that time he shot the Archduke Ferdinand."

Cambridgeshire, GB—Stephen Hawking insists we must Avoid All Contact with Aliens (AACA).

"First, those cowboys over at SETI must be stopped! Second, we need to intercept and destroy Voyager.  Sending out a deep space probe with directions back to Earth was the stupidest thing Carl Sagan ever did, barring Contact."

Hawking went on to describe Jodie Foster’s performance as "appalling."

Hawking is also calling for world leaders to consider a preemptive attack on all known class M planets.  When our own Cokie Mcgrath pointed out how the Class M planet is a fictional Star Trek reference, Hawking drove his wheelchair repeatedly over her toes. Earlier today, Netflix leaked Hawking’s movie rental list, which included a number of fifties sci-fi invasion movie classics.

Hawking denies the films influenced his opinion, before saying, "They’re already among us! Keep looking up!" and, "It’s a cookbook!"

Hawking believes an actual alien encounter would be similar to the movie Mars Attacks--a film Hawking believes has "an eerie almost prophetic realism," but he warned, "don’t count on Slim Whitman’s yodeling to save us."

Hawking then quoted an interstellar version of Cheney’s One Percent Doctrine, "If there’s even a one percent chance the aliens have an Illudium Q-36 Space Modulator, as seen on Bugs Bunny, we should blast the shit out of ‘em."

State College, PA—In another complete waste of the tax payer’s dime, two Daily Discord contributors used stimulus funds to conduct research on as many young coeds as they could get their hands on.

"The research was not without its challenges," admitted head researcher, Dave Atsals. "It’s getting harder to get women to let us into their dorm rooms, because we’re older and creepier now."

Fellow researcher, Mick Zano, could not disagree more.  "We were always creepy, Dave." 

The two conducted a study that suggests a robust and perky correlation between marijuana use and college shindiggery.  The journal article, entitled, Dorms, Bongs, and Misdemeanors: A Quaaludeatative Study on Wine, Women, and Weed, is due to post in Lancet, if Winslow can hack into their database when no one is looking. 

The study has survived the rigorous beer-review process and was passed around in a circle along with some choice hydroponic bud.

When asked why the two researchers chose young college women as their test subjects instead of lab rats, they both replied in unison, "You’re kidding, right?"

Actually, there was a long pause before their, back-of-the-throat type, gaspy answer.  The researchers both followed up the question with a long stream of greasy smoke and several STDs.

Las Vegas, NV - Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, believes Ancient Veganitians built the 15-story casino hotel for the sole purpose of human sacrifice.  Using astronomical and archeological techniques, Dr. Hogbein has dated the massive Las Vegas structure to early 1991—more specifically, construction began between Nirvana’s music video Smells Like Teen Spirit and Weird Al Yankovich’s video spoof of Nirvana’s work, Smells Like Nirvana.

With only a ladder to aid him, Dr. Hogbein attempted to decipher the ancient obelisk that stands before the mighty structure.  However, his efforts were soon thwarted by hotel security, who immediately escorted him off the premises. 

Dr. Hogbein claims, "Hundreds of thousands of victims were sacrificed to the ‘Serpent of Chance’ (Gamblycoatl), as well as the ‘One Armed Bandits’ (Slottakayaloot)."

These ancient gamblers were repeatedly beaten with black jacks and spun on diabolical torture devices known as Roulette Wheels.  Hogbein also posits that, despite their name, Veganitians were carnivores.  By combing the entire sewer system under the ancient structure, Hogbein discovered a menu that apparently had meat listed on it.

The MacNama family of Gaithersburg, MD, is now eating seven to ten plastic bags every day in the hope of stretching their ever-shrinking grocery budget.  The bread winner of the family, Fred MacNama, feels “much better” since he started ingesting grocery bags.  Apparently, plastic bags are an excellent source of polyethylene, which one study, conducted by the makers of polyethylene, suggests is non-toxic and arguably roughage. 

“I am saving money, I feel fuller, and I’m doing something for the planet” states MacNama.

Scientists posit that if more people ate their plastic bags, digestive enzymes could shave nearly a century off of the estimated 1,000 year decomposition rate—to say nothing of the potential benefit to our population problem.

A recent study conducted on seventeen bitchy women and three lazy sacks of shit (LSS) found moderate to high levels of bovine fecundity sprinkled liberally into their medical disability claim forms.  This shit is likely to spread to such questionable diagnosis as Chronic Unemployment Syndrome and Irresponsible Bowel.  Researchers predict that, if left uncompensated, this might even impact sufferers of Employtile Dysfunction and Restless Keg Syndrome.

Archeologist discovers the fossilized remains of a traditional George Will-like conservative dating back to the pre-Reagan administration.

"This exciting find could provide key evidence for the comparative study of Republican de-evolution," claims archeologist Sterling Hogbein of the Hogbein Institute and Microbrewery. "The skull is 31% larger than today’s social conservative," continues Hogbein, "and the pelvic bone suggests a much larger and heavier scrotal sack."

Newer conservatives seem to have lost the ability to use tools, keep governments small, and maintain even a rudimentary budget.

"Perhaps," posits Hogbein, "evolution is getting even with the non-believers."

Viagra spokesperson, Dale 'Stiffy' O'Tool, admits that priapism, an erection that could last for upwards of fourteen hours, is going to be an even bigger problem in the future. "Conducting laboratory studies on this subject has been touchy," admits O'Tool, "but not in a good way."

Santa Fe, NM— Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bagel Shop, is under increasing scrutiny for his downtown zombie treatment center.

"Look, if we even get twenty-percent of all zombies to forgo brains, it could be the difference between our survival or extinction during the next zombie uprising," said Hogbein.

Hogbein boasts the staff-to-client ratio at his W. Rodeo Lurch-In Clinic is excellent, "Or the staff would be eaten."  The program is spiritual based and follows the ‘12 Stagger Model,’ wherein each zombie is taught that ‘one brain is too much and a thousand is never enough.’

Dr. Hogbein feels zombies are a misunderstood, and ultimately redeemable, species.  A second program at the institute involves teaching the more chronic living-impaired to only eat the brains of other zombies.

"Zombies are smarter than eats the eye," said Hogbein, laughing.  "After all, you can’t argue that brain is brain food."

When questioned further, Hogbein admitted none of his consumers have made it past Stagger One, which states: We admitted to ourselves that we are powerless over brains and that our deaths have become unmanageable.

The Institute’s plans for a Radioactively Enlarged Insect Wellness Clinic and an Alien Gestalt Therapy Center are also under growing scrutiny from city officials.

Forming in a seedy section of the North Atlantic, Hurricane Mel has churned up a devilish trail in his wake. "He got hooked on thermals and warm ocean water, he's been spinning out of control ever since," explains his mother, Hurricane Edna.  Mel’s meteorological mother admits to her own sordid past which includes a long string of tidal surges, heavy winds, and prostitution (mostly blow jobs).  Apparently, the apple did not fall far from the uprooted tree.

Despite the fact that 17 year old Becky Forrest of Clifton, NJ tested positive for Chlamydia and HPV at her July physical examination, she is maintaining her chastity. “It’s been challenging to earn crack money and keep my abstinence pledge,” says Becky.  Her mother Greta Forrest couldn’t be prouder, “I believe her.  Aside from selling most of our belongings for drug money, she’s an angel.”  Becky’s mother beamed at the doctor’s report with an unparallel level of motherly denial.  “There’s the hand of god at work here…or certainly some part of god.”