Malibu, CA—Actor and director Mel Gibson has finally admitted to the press that his depiction on the popular comedy show South Park is "dead on."  Gibson went on to explain that he really is the "crazy, ranty, racist nut job as seen on TV."  He admits he does wear Braveheart war paint around the house and he does, in fact, shit all over cartoon characters in an "eerily similar manner to those South Park episodes."

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Gun Shop, released this statement, "Gibson’s defecation depiction as seen on South Park may be something decidedly Freudian." 

Meanwhile, the Rant Warrior went on to say, "You’d better not print that, Winslow, or I’ll burn your fucking house down!"

God responded by saying, "Too late, asshole."

In God’s defense please see God Responds to Daily Discord’s "Draw Muhammad Day".

Local animated character, Eric Cartman said several things unfit for print and then blamed his inappropriateness on a scorching case of childhood Tourette’s syndrome.

His friend Kyle Broflovski had this to say, "Oh my god, they killed Kenny!" He then added, "you bastards," for good measure.

Kenny was unavailable for comment.  This may have been due to the fact his spine was protruding from his orange trench coat.  For the record, Mel Gibson denies killing Kenny and also denies being one of "those bastards."

Haven’t you ever wondered, what the hell happened your sophomore year?  Why did she really break up with me?  Why did I wake up naked in that a Tijuana jail?  Was that gladiatorial games reference on the back of that citation legit, or simply some cop’s bad handwriting?

Hi, I’m Mick Zano, and I don’t remember anything that happened in college.  I know many of the Discord contributors were there and lots of campus, local, and state police personnel.  But, after just six hours of reviewing What the Fuck Did I Do?, I understood a lot more about my shady past as well as my recurring nightmares.   As it turns out, I really can’t work in this field, and should resign now.  And, yes, it was gladiatorial games, by the way.

"I knew my husband was an asshole in college," said Mrs. Zano.  "And now, after he shared the details of his sordid past from What the Fuck Did I Do?, I want him out of my life forever."

Dave Atsals had this to say, "I realize I misjudged my probation officers.  After reading the file over a long weekend, well, I would’ve been a dick to me too.  You really can’t begin the healing process until you know what happened. And, now I know I’m a terrible, terrible, unredeemable soul, and I think I’m a better person for it."

Hi, I’m Shagg, owner and founder of What the Fuck Did I Do?  I had to double my disk space and bandwidth when the Discord gang signed up for my services, but the peace of mind they now share is worth every penny.  And, remember, I’m not only the What the Fuck Did I Do? president, I’m also a client.

A recent unscientific poll conducted in a bar by drunken Discordians suggests that people don’t like Discord reporters approaching them when their "this drunk." A second poll, involving massive quantities of microbrews, can only be described by this reporter as implementing something now termed enhanced polling techniques. A third poll, not at all appropriate for minors, reveals something even more intriguing. People are far less enthusiastic about a visit from a Jehovah Witness than any--we made shit up about Jesus and wear magic underwear--Mormons.  Here is an actual conversation between Pokey McDooris and two unidentified pedestrians:

Pokey:  "Are you Mormons or Jehovah Witnesses?"

Pedestrians: "We’re Mormons."

Pokey: "Whooo Hooo! I win a beer!"

I think this exchange enhances our understanding of the problem this nation faces, although we’re not exactly sure how.

Valley stream, NY–All went well at the Valley Stream Wal-Mart during Black Friday's early morning stampedes.

"We're proud of our crowd control efforts this year," said Wal-Mart store manager Patty Davy.  "Only a couple of people clawed and kicked for the last Zhu Zhu Hamsters and it certainly was all fun and games until someone lost an eye in aisle seven."

The store credits the smooth operation on changing the traditional uniforms to Clockwork Orange-style and management's decision to arm their staff with live cattle prods.

"It also helped that no one had any actual money to spend this year," said Davy.  "It took the edge off."

Not all opinions were positive, however.

"It's the busiest shopping day of the year," said Nancy Mullens of Valley Stream.  "You have to expect a few causalities of Wal (COWs)."

Another complaint came from Jon Heffron of Long Beach, "Look, this is as close to the Running of the Bulls as I'm going to get in this economy, and I wasn't even shoved once this morning."

Other shoppers shared this negative view.

"Black Friday should have an element of danger to it," said Frankie Devito of Elmont. "When a lifeguard yells 'shark', we're the kind of people who go into the water and drag the bitch onto land and beat it to death with our children.  I mean, not for nothun', this is Long Island.  Fuck'em if they can't take a tramplin'."

Manager Davy responded to the criticism, "It's true a lot of people wanted to kick it up a notch anyway this year but, out of respect for the dead, we decided to nix having our shoppers climb over mannequins dressed as Wal-Mart greeters.  But next year expect a move toward the stampedes of old, so pack your steal toed boots, bitches!"

Wal-Mart corporate headquarters hopes to ease back into the violent shopping sprees with a trial run in the spring called Tear Gas Tuesday and their Mauled at the Mall Barbie line is set for release in early Fall.   

Los Angeles, CA - Earlier today UCLA Hospital released this disturbing autopsy photo.  Information is now surfacing about the cause of Michael Jackson’s death.  The pop star  suffered from two herniated snarkles and several ruptured K2-nibblets.  According to inside sources, Farfalownus of the blow hole has not been ruled out at this time.  Seventeen contraindicated medications were found in Jackson’s system, including Valium, Xanax, Demerol, Vicodin, and Big Jug Extra malt liquor.  Although the amount of depressant-type medication discovered could easily prove fatal for humans, it was well within safe and legal limits for the inhabitants of Rigel Seven.   The Ambassador to Rigel Seven was unavailable for comment.  UCLA Hospital does not want to speculate any further about the cause of death at this time, but inside sources for the Daily Discord believe the cause of death may have been moon-walk-related (MWR).

According to Disney World officials, only five of the seven original dwarves will be returning to work this spring at Orlando’s Disney World. “Unfortunately, we just can’t afford to pay all of them anymore,” states Disney’s Chief Executive, Robert Iger. Iger claims to be in constant communication with Walt Disney’s head, cryogenically frozen at Citi-lab Orlando since 1966. “Walt agrees with the decision, whole headedly,” he joked. Iger refused to speculate on future cuts, but warned, “Grumpy better stay on his fucking Zoloft.” When asked about the tough decision, Iger stated, “Doc was a no-brainer. The kids won’t even miss him.” The decision to pick-axe Sneezy is less clear, however. According to key Disney insiders, Sneezy had an ongoing public relation issues, complicated by uncontrollable convulsive expulsions of mucus as well as financial problems. His out of control credit card debt was allegedly accrued at the Oriental Happy Ending Massage Parlor. Too often the sounds of Thai-ho, Thai-ho could be heard echoing along Orlando’s Orange Blossom Trail, amidst intermittent sounds of gesundheit.

Philadelphia, PA—As CEO of the Daily Discord, I usually do an apology for the horrible things our bad journalism typically unleashes on our fair communities. Instead, I would rather thank the country of N/A for consistently being first or second on our geographic visitor listing.  Also of interest, we had 953 page views from the Netherlands yesterday, which even beat the country of N/A.  But, alas, it turned out to be just one guy from Copenhagen with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  We also got one hit last week from the key search word "bestiality" (no shit), which is really a milestone for us here at the Discord, although we’re not exactly sure why.  Regardless, welcome to the fold, sick fuck! 

We would also like a big shout out to our seven friends in Iran, who are watching the goings on of our little website a little too closely.  Heh, heh.  That was nervous laughter, if you were wondering.  If you actually are tuning in from Iran (somehow) and are in no way affiliated with the tyrannical regime in power, might we suggest asking a question of our Ghetto Shaman.  He will, of course, set right to work ignoring it. Your chance of being beheaded is, like, what for such an affront to Allah?  Really, what is it?  Inquiring minds want to know.  Maybe that could be your question to the Ghetto Shaman.  Just do it!  When has he ever steered our readers wrong?

Philadelphia, PA—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, has withdrawn his May 25^th plans to post dozens of pictures of the Prophet Mohammed in women’s clothing.  Winslow fell under a barrage of pressure to scratch the project, which featured a controversial GIF animation display depicting Mohammed in various clips from Priscilla Queen of the Desert.

Our own Ghetto Shaman stated, "What’s the big deal?  They all dress like girls in the Middle East anyway…just look at Klinger from M*A*S*H."

"I’m disappointed," said Winslow. "People need to know the untold story—that Mohammed could accessorize with the best of them.  Mohammed had bling, damn it.  I hate bling."

South Park creator Trey Parker responded to the Discord’s cowering thusly, "Pussies."

Philadelphia, PA - CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is furious with his editing staff.

"Exxon/Mobile? Really, people? Mobile? That was a headline!" yelled Winslow. "I am not responsible for the editing, censoring, and content butchery that you, our faithful readers, have come to expect from this less than stellar e-zine."

Winslow’s plan to correct the ongoing proofing fiasco is to outsource the Discord’s editing needs overseas.

"Each article and cartoon is now going to be sent to an editing group from India, where they will undergo an intensive editing process before the material is returned to Philadelphia via carrier pigeon."

When asked about keeping jobs in America, Winslow said, "Look, I tried using my contributors. They lose shit and, frankly, they’re incompetent. They have no artistic ability, no Photoshop skills, and English is almost a second language to them…and not because they know another language!"

The Daily Discord’s CEO intends to ramp up his War-on-Error and put an end to all radical exciseism by contracting out with the MOFLE Group—a band of Mercenary Overseas Free Lance Editors (MOFLEs).

"Besides, they’ll help me get rid of these lousy acronym jokes once and for all," added Winslow. "The regular contributors are next," warned Winslow. "It’s all part of the third stage in my India outsourcing plan. Don’t worry. I think you will all enjoy catching up on the latest Bollywood gossip. Did you hear Aishwarya Rai is pregnant with Apu of the Simpsons’ love child? Well, of course you didn’t, but that all ends today…that is, when the pigeon gets here."

A recent study by Pfizer, the makers of Zoloft, revealed the disturbing impact SSRIs and other anti-depressants are having on traditional blues music.

"I might as well join the Peace Corps," said Jack Death, lead singer of The Armpit Salesman.  "After six months on Paxil, instead of jamming out to the blues, I would rather go to a ball game, fly a kite, or maybe spend some time in the park with my family.  It makes me fucking sick just thinking about it." 

The Arm Pit Salesman’s latest CD, Skipping through the Sunshine has sold a record low four copies.

A recent poll suggests seven out of ten blues musicians find SSRI medications leave them feeling "way too perky." Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Spa, believes this is an avoidable side effect of SSRIs.  Research indicates that by adding a blues stabilizer to your current medications, most blues band members can get out of that Sunday dinner and back to those Bourbon Street dive-bar gigs.  Blueztacia, one such anti-anti depressant, is designed to counteract the positive effects SSRIs have on mood.

"I don’t think any one pill can counteract the severe detrimental impact anti-depressants are having on blues bands and their music," said Hogbein, "but prescribing a number of expensive supplemental medications might get my kids through college."

After unsuccessfully suing the band Smashing Pumpkins for plagiarism, comedian Leo Gallagher has now set his sights on some much-needed book revenue.  Apparently in 1974, Gallagher tried to liven-up his act by hitting a member of his audience with a large sledge hammer.  This did not have the desired effect.  After his release from a West Hollywood jail, Gallagher felt more determined than ever to smash something with something else and earn his place in comedic history.  After his parole ended, Gallagher destroyed his apartment amidst a dark period known as his ‘pre-melonic phase’.  Inspired before a show in Anaheim, he decided to hit an uncooked turkey with a large medieval mace. Few people enjoyed the act, however, and one couple from Pasadena contracted salmonella.  Despite these setbacks, Gallagher knew he was onto something (besides antibiotics).

"Then one day it just hit me," said Gallagher, "…like a sledgehammer to a watermelon."  History was made that day and then splattered across a great many a venue.

Law enforcement officials have indefinitely suspended all of Gallagher’s book signings since last week’s ‘incident’ when an Oceanside man mistakenly dressed as a melon for the event. The fan died outside of a San Diego Barnes & Noble due to severe head trauma. 

Taos, NM — Sterling Hogbien, of the Hogbein Institute and Laundromat, is asking his fellow Americans to destroy all forms of bacon brownies.

"This highly unstable compound must be deleted from your hard drives and removed from your recipe folders," said Hogbein.

Remember in the movie The Princess Bride that 'Pit of Despair' machine that could take years off your life? Hogbein posits the Man in Black was actually being force-fed bacon brownies intravenously.

"This singularly fatal dessert could be the tipping point that destroys healthcare," warned Hogbein.  "Our emergency rooms will be overrun if this nefarious concoction is unleashed on the masses!"

Military personnel believe it shouldn't be too hard to track pork shipments in the Middle East.  And the government is boasting at least one successful predator drone attack on a known Al-Qaeda Baking Camp in North Waziristan.

Dr. Hogbein believes bacon brownies might have led to the disappearance of the Mayans, the Atlantians, and parts of Fat Bastard.

"Besides, I had to take an extra Lipitor just to read the ingredient list." Hogbein insists these pastries constitute an act of war. "Now that their recipe has been downloaded into Americana, all the terrorists would need to do now is bomb Pfizer, the makers of Lipitor, and we would be completely defenseless."

Did I just say that out loud?

The American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) celebrated its fiftieth anniversary this year. Finally, the AARP becomes eligible to join in on its own fun and savings. Prior to this milestone, the company either had to wait outside or pay the full-cover charge for such exciting events as bingo, stamp bingo, cage bingo, cow chip bingo, or full-body contact death-match bingo (not covered by most insurance policies). Remember, over the past fifty years some of the AARP’s most memorable moments involve not remembering moments.

Prison pen pal, Lindsay Lohan, has encouraged Miley Cyrus to visit www.theySayIGottaGoToRehabISaidNoNoNo.org, which is a website designed to help with those crazy drunk, girls gone wild types acclimate to life on skid row. 

"It’s one heck of a transition going from the top to the bottom," said Lohan.  "These things need to be carefully planned."

When asked to elaborate, Lindsay stated, "Look, you don’t want to go all Brittany shave-my-head Spears, do you?!  There’s a good way to let your life publically slip into the abyss and a bad way to let your life publically slip into the abyss." 

Lohan went on to say, "There are classes on being a proper Hollywood child star wash-up.  Most of my demise was staged well in advance.  I couldn’t imagine being this stupid on my own."

Lindsay Lohan believes you can never start planning for these things too young.  She believes Miley has probably already waited "way too long."  Miss Lohan went on to describe a Hollywood insider story, not too dissimilar to an Advanced Directive for bimbos.  Apparently, there are even online classes to help pick out your drug of choice, your mental health diagnosis, and a slew of virtual rehabs. There’s even an entire class on ugly divorces.

"You don’t think Tiger Woods was really involved in that wild night car crash, do you?  He has people for that."

Lohan believes she has Miley’s best interest in mind, "I just don’t want her making the same mistakes I did.  Well, I do, but I want them better choreographed."

Chicago, IL­ - The Onion’s Area Man, known for such cutting edge commentary as Area Man Depressed Despite Happy Hour and Area Man to Rent All Planet of the Apes Movies, has been seriously injured by Bat Boy. Bat Boy, of Weekly World News fame, is known for such controversial headlines as Bat Boy Uses Radar to Procure Hookers as well as Bat Boy On Ice!

The handlers of Bat Boy claim, "He’s just an excitable Bat Boy."

They also believe Area Man must have taunted him, or said something to offend Bat Boy’s delicate sensibilities.

"Or he was just hungry," added Gob Breenberger, editor of the Weekly World News. "Bat Boy eats twice his own body weight each day, which is why we don’t usually let him out unsupervised."  When asked why he was out unsupervised, Breenberger said, "I said usually, asshole."

On a related note, Batman denies fathering Bat Boy and was unavailable for comment.  However, the following entry appeared on Batman’s Facebook page yesterday, "If that psycho bitch goes for child support, I’ll introduce her to my Bat Bat."  Batman went on to complain about his continued efforts to find an appropriate name for his baseball bat.

As journalists with more integrity than you can crush a puppy with, it is time, yet again, to right our wrongs, correct our errors, and apologize for the horrible consequences our shortcomings have had on various institutions, individuals, and society as a whole. 

Our recent headline Christ and Fabio’s Spandex Battle should have read Crist and Rubio’s Spending Battle.

Our headline Thai Prostitutes Tango with Army, should have read Thai Protestors Tangle with Army.  Don’t know what the hell happened with that one, heh, heh.

Our headline Why is Breast Cancer Rate Drooping?, should have read: Why is Breast Cancer Rate Dropping?  We really feel like boobs about that one.

And, whereas our article Human Remains Discovered in Local Cemetery may have been accurate, in retrospect, it isn’t particularly news worthy.  We would also like to extend a heartfelt apology to the Paulson family for the unnecessary, and quite unauthorized, exhuming of their Beloved Dorothy. 

In defense of our editing staff…er, we don’t really have an editing staff.  We do have Microsoft Word’s grammar check, which puts annoying red and green lines under things.  We believe Red means stop and Green means go.  It’s worked so far.  We do encourage the people at Microsoft Office to consider Yellow, meaning that this may be usable in small circles, but proceed with caution.

Philadelphia, PA - Pierce Winslow, CEO of the Daily Discord and notorious dickhead, shot down yet another potential contributor today. This week it was a cartoonist from the Chicago area, last week it was a writer from Jersey. Winslow is always ready to crush the dreams of young talent wherever they might reside.

"The guy wanted money for material. Are ya kiddin' me?" said Winslow. "We pay chicken scratch around here. In fact, it’s grade D but edible chicken scratch. If you're good, maybe you'll get an upgrade to peanuts. Our year-end bonus is bubkis and last year for Christmas bonuses I gave out a pen set that turned out to be pencils."

"Yeah, cash, what's that?" stated Dave Atsals. "I have to barter that chicken feed into people feed. And do you have any idea how pissed-off the IRS gets when you send them a baggie of cracked corn instead of cash?"

Winslow explained that if you want to contribute material to the Daily Discord: "It’s for fame and glory purposes only."

Winslow went on to explain the intensive editing process, wherein Mick Zano adds Lousy Acronym Jokes (LAC) and then he forwards the document to Dave Atsals, who works his Photoshop magic.

"Then he typically loses the file," said Zano, "or, more accurately, I lose the file. Weeks or months later someone says something like, 'What happened to that bit about The Klingon Ice Weasels' and then there’s this sort of communal shrug, so we keep drinking."

"It’s better than how the process used to work," added Atsals.

Here ye, here ye.  From this day forward, all acronym jokes are hereby stricken from this website.  I, Peirce Xavier Winslow, declare all acronym jokes unlawful.  Such feeble attempts at humor are henceforth banished to Bogeyland, sent to the Forbidden Zone, and otherwise text-communicated.   Do you really think people are still laughing at these?  It’s unacceptable to me, Zano!  He doesn’t even edit other people’s shit anymore, he just adds lousy acronym jokes (ALAJ).  See!  Now he’s got me doing it!  Well, no more.  The party is over.  In lieu of the holes that this decree is sure to create, I would like to add only search keywords to increase the website’s hits and page views.  So instead of seeing an article entitled Return of the Klingon Ice Weasels (RKIW), you will now see: Return of the Klingon Ice Weasels (political humor site).  Do you have any idea how hard it is to generate hits from articles entitled Return of the Klingon Ice Weasels?  God, my writers suck!  

When you, our faithful audience, become more accustomed to these necessary changes, you won’t even notice them.  These procedural additions will ensure a savvy marketing strategy that could funnel as many as ten more people toward our site (fake news sarcasm).  See?  I bet you didn’t even notice that one.  If you have any questions, please click the Contact Us link on our home page (funny news), and we will most likely ignore it outright (satire political spoof).

The source of our recent article Dalai Lama Tells China to "Take a Fucking Chill Pill" remains in serious doubt.

Scientists Spawn Fast-Acting German Killer should have read Scientists Spawn Fast-Acting Germ Killer. We are particularly sorry that, as a result of this publication, various German communities chose to burn several of our prominent national laboratories to the ground.

Horrific Bush Rash headline, should have read Horrific Bus Crash.  Also, our headline H1N1 Available for All, we meant the vaccination. In defense of our editing staff, they are often intoxicated. 

The Daily Discord would also like to take the time to apologize for publishing Mick Zano’s thesis on The Disappearing Himalayan Glaciers and their Correlation to the Autistic Tree Frog.  He went to an on-line university and in no way thought Al Gore and the scientific community would ever run with this crap. 

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Director James Cameron reported a violent personal attack on Friday. He identified his assailants as the Vegas showmen known as the Blue Man Group.

"They didn’t say a word," said Cameron, "But the assault was well choreographed." Cameron told police he had written the Blue Man Group a letter, in which he apologized about not casting them in his recent film Avatar. Unappeased, the performers accused Cameron of copyright infringement.  Their chief complaint involved the director’s choice to cast blue ‘imposters’ in the movie.

"They called me a racist and a Blue Meanie," said Cameron, "which I believe is a Beatles reference."

Things escalated for the director in early November after the grisly discovery of a severed Mountain Banshee head in his bed.  After last week’s assault, which witnesses describe as "entertaining, ambitious, and exhilarating," Cameron sustained injuries to his clothing and parts of his ego. 

"I didn’t know my planet, Pandora, could unleash so many ills on the world," said Cameron.  "I didn’t see that coming.  Well, I suppose it is better than what they did to the Smurfs."

Papa Smurf, or what’s left of him, was unavailable for comment.