Bowling Green, KY—Senator Rand Paul was assaulted by a friend and neighbor last week during an incident many are calling ‘typical’ for this particular rural setting. Kentucky State Police have since taken the senator’s 59-year-old assailant and buddy into custody, so Mr. Paul has since moved to have all charges dropped. “Cooter and I get into these little spats now and again,” said the senator. “You know, like when he tries to steal my moonshine, or I try to steal his healthcare. He’s also mad at me because I’m always trying to hit on his sister, well, when he’s not. You gotta be fast around old Cooter, ha! Oh, and his sister has a preexisting lung condition that we call Kentucky Fried Lungs. We order our lungs extra crispy around here, which is also not covered anymore.”