Tweet Tower—As the criticism of the federal response to hurricane-ravaged Puerto Rico continues, El Presidente has hatched a plot to save the people of that fair territory. President Trump intends to award a 400-million dollar contract to Dominos pizza. In short order, the franchise is expected to set up a chain of pizza shops designed to sustain the people of Puerto Rico indefinitely.
Tweet Tower—President Donald Trump is blaming his military Generals, not his related tweets, on the latest confusion that resulted in tons of hurricane relief supplies arriving in N. Korea and an armada of U.S. Navy warships being dispatched to Puerto Rico. Kim Jong Un was reportedly “as surprised as anyone” that four supply freighters filled with food, water and medical supplies arrived at the port of Chongjin for target practice. On a happier note, the Navy fleet sent to Puerto Rico has successfully taken the port of San Juan as well as the Hilton, the Sheraton, and the bar area of the Villa Herencia.
Puerto Rico—After hurricane Maria ravaged the island of Puerto Rico last week, Donald Trump attempted to survey the damage done by the category-4 storm. Unfortunately his HHS Secretary, Tom Price, had already booked Air Force One for a foliage festival in New Hampshire that same weekend. Despite the travel setback, the President remained determined to do “something for the people of Puerto Rico.” Knowing he would not get any kind of a hurricane relief bill through his existing congress, the President resolved to drop tens of thousands of Trump University degrees from helicopters. “They are all just honorary degrees,” said Trump, “but they do afford the recipients all the same honors. Sadly.”