Brussels, BE—The Brexit summit in Belgium arrived with a hefty side order of sarcasm today. The choice of dessert, a giant banana split, struck a negative chord with at least one member of the accord. Many believe the UK is making a historic blunder by brexiting the EU, so several dignitaries desperately attempted to stifle their laughter as the desserts made their way to the table. “No one is laughing,” said May sternly. “Except, of course, all you people laughing. But let me remind you this is no laughing matter. No really, I’ve been crying myself to sleep for weeks over this. Oh, and the duck was salty!” No duck was served at the event, so many believe this was a very clever pun.
Tweet Tower—What is being called Trump’s security detail’s first major failure occurred earlier today. A civilian drone flew passed several slot machines, a cocktail waitress, and several Secret Service personnel, before becoming hopelessly lodged in Mr. Trump’s comb-over. The incident occurred in the casino area of the lobby. Mr. Trump is calling the attack “hair raising” and he plans to use an executive order to have the responsible person or persons flown to Las Vegas, tarred and feathered, and then dropped from the top of the Stratosphere Tower. Trump told the Discord, “I think that would be funny. They will lose a lot of feathers on the way down, so it will be bigly amusing.”
