Ethiopian Pour-Over—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, has posited a new and controversial theory of human bipedal development. Dr. Hogbein explains, “Early man had either some piss poor balance or a high blood alcohol content. My research supports the latter. Essentially man was forced to walk great distances in the early Pleistocene, because the pubs of the time were so far apart. I believe bipedal locomotion itself can be attributed to the obvious benefits of standing during flip cup, chandelier, and several other early Australofraterneritus drinking games. We also know the precursor to beer pong was played with boulders, which may explain the extinction of the Neanderthals, who archeological evidence suggests preferred Quarters or Mexican.”