Tag Archive for bernie sanders

Sanders Hires Therapist To Treat Worsening Campaign Addiction

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010716-roseann-bernie-bus-05The Sanders Campaign realizes they’re mathematically toast, but Bernie is insisting his zombie campaign continues to stagger aimlessly around the country in search of more young brains. Sanders told reporters today, “Remember those walkers from the Walking Dead? This is nothing like that. It’s a terrible analogy.” Some of Bernie’s closest advisors are admitting he really enjoys getting 27 dollars from people all over the country, so he can travel around with his wife on what he is calling a “second rallymoon”. Senator Sanders told the Discord today, “What I think we need to do is this: I will end the campaign today, if the American people promise to keep sending me more money anyway. That is a good compromise. Unlimited continued funding would be a future I can believe in.”

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Bernie Sanders Captured In Rarely Seen Superdelegate Courting Ritual

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The Gables - Historic Estate in Vancouver on Sale for $12.8 Million

Burlington, VT—In an attempt to woo democratic superdelgates towards his cause, Senator Bernie Sanders enacted a little understood and rarely seen political courting ritual. The event took place earlier today at an undisclosed location outside of Burlington, Vermont. To keep with his message, Senator Sanders charged 27 dollars a plate and his wife made most of the food from scratch.  Although the impact of this event remains unknown, critics were quick to call the performance “an act of desperation”, “beneath the dignity of his office,” and “clearly PhotoShopped by imbecils.”

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Mick Zano Felt “The Bern” At The Sanders’ Rally: Ointment Sold Separately

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brad v zanoML

Flagstaff, AZ—The above image caused me some Facebook controversy. Not because The Discord already endorsed Hillary, which would make sense, but because I was seen fraternizing in Flagstaff with a flaming fanatical. Oh, the horror! Sorry if amidst the waning days of our democracy I want to hear a presidential candidate speak. I would love to hear a Republican candidate speak, when they learn how. Your party is nominating a fascist, so forgive me if I don’t give a flying %^&$ if America slides dangerously close to Toronto-style policies. Check please! No really, hockey’s much better than football. [Winslow: Other sports are for people that can’t play hockey] I am in no way comparing Trump to Hitler. Hitler was smart. If you liked capitalism so much, maybe you shouldn’t have broken it. This is why we don’t have nice things. Anyway, I have more important things to discuss today, like why The Discord’s anchor Bradly Bradfordson made the front page of The Daily Sun? Why was my image relegated to some Bernie Meetup group? Damn you, Bradford!

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Bernie Wins 7th Debate With Rousing Rendition Of Hamlet

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Democratic Presidential Candidates Debate In Flint

 

Flint, MI—At the Democratic debate last night Hillary Clinton clearly felt the Bern. Leading up to this debate, Bernie Sanders was under increased scrutiny to provide more details when answering questions. In a move no one saw coming, the longest serving Senator wowed the audience with scenes from Hamlet and other Shakespearean classics. When Hillary attacked Sanders for failing to support the auto-industry bailouts, he responded, “We don’t need cars. A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse!” The crowd loved it.  When the issue turned to the water crisis in Flint, he responded with a W.C. Fields quote before finishing with Macbeth.  “I never drink water because of the disgusting things fish do in it. Out, damn’d spot! out, I say!” Even people in the audience suffering from lead poisoning themselves couldn’t help but give Bernie a standing ovation.

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