Tag Archive for liberal politics

Trump Compromise: Open To Green-Powered Nuclear Holocaust

by Mick Zano • October 19, 2017

Tweet Tower—President Trump is finally shifting to center. He has a plan to pitch some political compromises in the hopes of luring democrats toward his nefarious agenda. The President wants to utilize green energies to increase our military prowess and expand our nuclear arsenal. Trump said, “Just think if nuclear bombs could be created more efficiently, like by wind power. I think that’s something both sides of the aisle can really duck behind. I see a shining beacon on a hill, it’s a military research base powered by solar energy. I see another light on the horizon! Oh, shit …head to the bunkers.”

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • October 14, 2017

Tweet Tower—President Donald Trump’s twitter account remained at half-tweet today after Russian President Vladmir Putin sent him a gift and a short breakup note. Those interested in employing the 25^th Amendment as a means to end ass-clown’s reign are focusing on how The Donald might react to this ending bromance. Trump’s Chief of Staff, General John Kelly, said, “The President is going to get through this.Thus far he is only lashing out at Iran, North Korea, the Mayor of Puerto Rico, and the poor seeking healthcare. Fine! He’s locked himself in a bathroom again, which normally wouldn’t be a problem, but there are dozens of them in this place.”

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • October 11, 2017

Holywoody—Harvey Weinstein’s name is being dragged through the mud, and rightly so, but a Hollywood sleaze-ball just doesn’t carry the same weight as Pro-Life Congressman Canned After Urging Mistress To Go ‘Choice’ Herself. Now that’s comedy! As for the Breitfarts of the world, it’s just another false equivalency story. Senator Scheister’s antics always gets brushed aside, so the rightwing can stay focused on every misbehaving liberal in the world. Shouldn’t we be more focused on the height of hypocrisy, aka Republicans? It’s always some sitting congressman, trashing LGBTQ rights by day and hangin’ out at the truck stop restroom by night. Conservatives are the reaction-formation party. “I hate those gay guys, gays are horrible, I see that smut everyday, I’m watching it now …God, that guy’s hot.” It’s always the crusader, who secretly desires what he’s railing against. News Flash: Dear Republicans, you are not the “live and let live” people, you are the “family value warriors” who will eventually be busted downtown at the brothel, in diapers. Look no further than your toddler-in-chief, whose antics will trickle-down soon enough, but not the way you think. But more on that bladder *cough*, later.

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • October 6, 2017

These libido reducing posters (LRPs) will be covered under Trump wear… *cough* TrumpCare.

Brought to you by the makers of Tums.

by Mick Zano • October 5, 2017

Pittsburgh, PA—Eighth term conservative congressman, Tim Murphy (R-Pa), is in an ethical quandary today after details emerged of an extra-marital affair, a pregnancy, and his rather progressive solution. After bringing Speaker Paul Ryan some Ayn Rand shot glasses, the two talked about the politician’s future in the GOP, or lack thereof. Murphy told the press, “When Republican politicians say the words ‘family values’, we mean it in a ‘do as I say, not who I do’, kind of way. It’s not hypocrisy, it’s hip-ocrisy. See what I did there? Look, it’s an extra marital affair, which means I’m working extra hard for the American taxpayer *cough* …well, with the aid of that blue pill still covered by the American taxpayer.”

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • October 4, 2017

Tweet Tower—President Trump was all smiles today as he unveiled the three potential prototypes for his Great Wall of Stupid. The President told the press, “I call the one that looks like an old Bavarian-style castle, Wall Disney. It’s amazing! Amazing! But I really love the yuuge gold wall design, because, as Ivanka tells me, it will match all regions of the southwest, any season. If we choose that one, I’m using the same folks who installed my golden thrown over at Trump Tower. Great people. The third choice doesn’t look as pretty, but it’s a structure patterned after the wall on Skull Island, the one that kept out King Kong. So it’s bigly durable. I’m really in love with all of them and I look forward to the final selection and then the construction of said wall, by liberals, who will be forced to build this monstrosity. And the Mexicans will be paying for the liberals who will be building the wall …on weekends.”

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • October 2, 2017

Despite the ongoing collapse of conservative ‘thought’, each news cycle still brings a barrage of new and intriguing rightwing dimsights. At least Puerto Rico has a storm to blame for knocking it back 30 years, what’s the Republican party’s excuse? Today, as the Antarctic Pine Glacier retreats another 100 miles, the GOP’s brain capacity retreats another 100K neurons. Meanwhile, our President is mulling trade rules that could lead to tariffs on California solar, at the same time his crony, Rick ‘can’t-remember-all-three-things’ Perry, is bailing out coal and nuclear. The juxtaposition is astounding. This would be dumb twenty years ago, but today we have to invent a new word (luckily I have, later in the article).

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • September 27, 2017

Puerto Rico—Texans responded so well to the aftermath of hurricane Harvey that the White House is dispatching the same gutsy boat owners to deal with the impact of hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico. President Trump told the press today that Houston residents are prepared to make the nearly 2,000 nautical-mile journey to the island of Puerto Rico in an effort to save lives. John Miller of Houston said, “We know this is a longer trip, but we also know we’re the only people up to the task. Granted, we’ll have to go through the Bermuda Triangle to get there, but we’ll all be packing heat. So if any of those aliens try something funny—and you know what I mean—we’ll teach ’em a thing or two about our Second Amendment rights. It might not be aliens, because I listen to Coast to Coast AM, but we’ll also be ready for sea monsters, vortexes, bigfoot, or whatever anomalous phenomenon is occurring in that region of the ocean. We are Texans, so by definition we got this shit.”

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • September 26, 2017

Puerto Rico—After hurricane Maria ravaged the island of Puerto Rico last week, Donald Trump attempted to survey the damage done by the category-4 storm. Unfortunately his HHS Secretary, Tom Price, had already booked Air Force One for a foliage festival in New Hampshire that same weekend. Despite the travel setback, the President remained determined to do “something for the people of Puerto Rico.” Knowing he would not get any kind of a hurricane relief bill through his existing congress, the President resolved to drop tens of thousands of Trump University degrees from helicopters. “They are all just honorary degrees,” said Trump, “but they do afford the recipients all the same honors. Sadly.”

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • September 21, 2017

Tweet Tower—Some of President Trump’s more perplexing comments during his UN speech yesterday seem to have taken a darker turn. When asked to elaborate, Trump said, “I have added Agrabah to my no-fly list. No more flying for Agrabah, on planes, or helicopters, or those flying carpets. None of that green energy shit on my watch. And Nambia has proven to be the worst of the worst. These are people who are just asking for me to personally bomb the living shit out of them. We have the best generals working on how to find Nambia on a map and then destroy it. On a related note, I love the movie Nambia, except the scene when Nambia’s mother died. That’s sad.”

READ MORE ->