Washington—On December 3rd a marble statue in Dick Cheney’s likeness was unveiled in Emancipation Hall. The ceremony was a small affair, for obvious reasons, as only a small fraction of our society can be around Cheney without projectile vomiting. Four days after the prestigious unveiling a group of vandals, calling for regiment change, broke into the hall and tore the monstrosity down. Many are left asking, “Why the hell did it take this long?!”
Plains, GA—Former President Jimmy Carter was recently diagnosed with a malignant melanoma. Many on the right have therefore concluded he was a goner and called him such names as, “The Neville Chamberlain of Malignancy” and “Weak on Cancer.” The 91-year old has proved them all wrong again as his last test indicates he is now totally free from the disease. Carter explained the details of his political move to the press: “We all get one last executive order on the way out the door. Bush Jr. used his to avoid being tried as a war criminal, Clinton used his on the other intern incident, and Nixon used his on a cloak of invisibility. You got to hand it to Tricky Dick. I guess he wanted an encore to that 18-minutes of lost tape.”
Alliance, NE—The Daily Discord is currently implementing an aerial outreach campaign, or Reality Intervention Initiative (RIT). Dozens of unmanned drones are being dispatched to remote areas of the country. The Discord hopes to bring ‘facts’ to regions of this country suffering from only Fox News and AM radio. Leaflets are being dropped from the sky that state: Rupert Murdoch Is The Antichrist, Socialism Can Be Fun!, Obamacare Saved My Life, and Benghazi Saved My Life. The Daily Discord plans to reach these people with real statistics and verifiable information in the hopes of gradually replacing truthiness with truth.
Las Vegas, NV—I knew being Zano-free couldn’t last forever, but I did enjoy my peaceful six month stretch. When the inevitable phone call came, he wanted to know the location of our next Vegas-style ghost investigation. For some reason Zano feels it’s my responsibility to arrange these “important” endeavors. As if living in Las Vegas for the last 19 years and being a cab driver somehow makes me some kind of Las Vegas authority. Hmmm, maybe he has a point. I’d wanted to visit Spring Mountain Ranch State Park for some time and, bingo! There be ghosts in them there hills!
Of course, we are now banned from them there hills…
Nowhere, AZ—A local meter maid disappeard under mysterious circumstances yesterday afternoon. She was later found stuffed like a pinatta with her own parking ticket pad. Police are questioning everyone in the town in alphabetical order. Breaking news: all police questioning will occur in reverse alphabetic order since a person named Zano submitted this story for publication. Officials are claiming Zano had a motive as he recieved a parking ticket only hours prior to the incident. Since the infraction occured at the corner of Beaver and Cherry, many are wondering if other charges are pending.
Putin Unleashes The Dogs Of War
Moscow—To the dismay of billions, Turkey has ironically chosen Thanksgiving to end the world. With tensions already high, Turkish Prime Minster Ahmet Davutoğlu raised the ante. He mooned Russian President Vladimir Putin before letting fly a barrage of inappropriate gestures and sounds a la the French-taunter scene from Monty Python’s Holy Grail. As a result the Russian Bear is on the prowl. Since Turkey is a member of NATO, Obama immediately drew a metaphorical red line in the sand, before being whisked away by the Secret Service to a secure location…to golf.
