Tag Archive for humor

Danang Confusion? Trump & Putin Deny Wardrobe Collusion!

by Mick Zano • November 11, 2017

Danang, VT—Although President Vladimir Putin admitted to loving the Ivan the Spy episodes from the old television show Gilligan’s Island, he told the world press today, “As a former member of the KGB, I have never been, nor will I ever be someone’s ‘little buddy’. And I certainly did not call President Trump’s fashion designer to coordinate outfits.” Donald Trump has a similar tale to tell. The president claims he just wanted to wear a Skipper’s hat “as a goof.” Despite the world leader’s statements, Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller is already following the money and has scheduled interviews with millionaire Thurston Howell III as well as an actress implicated in the wardrobe decision, Ginger Grant.

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by Mick Zano • November 7, 2017

Agrabah—On Saturday night, after saying ‘Live from Dubai, it’s Saturday night!’, Saudi Arabian officials announced the arrest of 11 of their own Princes. They later added, “because our Princes go to 11.” King Salman’s number one, Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, informed the Saudi press today, “I am the King’s number one and some of my friends really stepped in number two.” The Crown Prince is denying this is an attempt to consolidate power, “We have arrested 11 of our own. This is truly a sad day …for them. It’s really an even dozen Princes if you count Abdul bin Drinkin’, the jerk formerly known as Prince. He adopted some kind of symbol for his name. Crazy. I deported him too, but he can’t get on the plane because of the whole symbol thing. In the immortal words of the Beatles, We Can Work It Out. They are still family, so I chose to deport them to a country with both universal healthcare and an Olive Garden. I mean, I’m not a heartless Shiite for Allah’s sake.”

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by Mick Zano • October 31, 2017

Earth—The 411-Brakke asteroid is changing course at this hour after reportedly being “disgusted” with the political goings-on over at the third rock from the sun. As of yesterday the asteroid was on a collision course with our planet, but is now thinking the better of it. The Discord was able to land an exclusive interview with the asteroid, beating out both Rolling Stone Magazine and The Hubble Times. You may remember this cosmic rockbuster from such movies as Deep Impact and Armageddon.

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by Mick Zano • October 21, 2017

Tweet Tower—President Donald Trump told the press today that he will get to the bottom of his administration’s latest mix-up. Soon after the president made the announcement he would be releasing the CIA’s secret JFK files, a staffer accessed the National Archives and released the as yet undisclosed assassination files of Colonel Sanders of KFC fame. Not only did they release this controversial footage without the franchise’s permission, but the information also included all 11 herbs and spices, as well as the top secret preparation tips for the Colonel’s famous chicken recipe.

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by Mick Zano • October 19, 2017

Tweet Tower—President Trump is finally shifting to center. He has a plan to pitch some political compromises in the hopes of luring democrats toward his nefarious agenda. The President wants to utilize green energies to increase our military prowess and expand our nuclear arsenal. Trump said, “Just think if nuclear bombs could be created more efficiently, like by wind power. I think that’s something both sides of the aisle can really duck behind. I see a shining beacon on a hill, it’s a military research base powered by solar energy. I see another light on the horizon! Oh, shit …head to the bunkers.”

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by Mick Zano • October 16, 2017

Fortress of Solitude—Earlier today Superman was shocked to find a tribe of Eskimos squatting in his secret fortress deep in the frozen north. The Man of Steel said he could “just spit nails” after the discovery, but then clarified, “No really, I can spit nails now. It’s something I do when I’m bored.” The Eskimos are citing squatters rights and some obscure reverse-imminent-domain law as grounds for remaining in the structure. The tribe reportedly moved into the ice mansion soon after the onset of the filming of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.

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by Mick Zano • October 14, 2017

Tweet Tower—President Donald Trump’s twitter account remained at half-tweet today after Russian President Vladmir Putin sent him a gift and a short breakup note. Those interested in employing the 25^th Amendment as a means to end ass-clown’s reign are focusing on how The Donald might react to this ending bromance. Trump’s Chief of Staff, General John Kelly, said, “The President is going to get through this.Thus far he is only lashing out at Iran, North Korea, the Mayor of Puerto Rico, and the poor seeking healthcare. Fine! He’s locked himself in a bathroom again, which normally wouldn’t be a problem, but there are dozens of them in this place.”

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by Mick Zano • October 11, 2017

Holywoody—Harvey Weinstein’s name is being dragged through the mud, and rightly so, but a Hollywood sleaze-ball just doesn’t carry the same weight as Pro-Life Congressman Canned After Urging Mistress To Go ‘Choice’ Herself. Now that’s comedy! As for the Breitfarts of the world, it’s just another false equivalency story. Senator Scheister’s antics always gets brushed aside, so the rightwing can stay focused on every misbehaving liberal in the world. Shouldn’t we be more focused on the height of hypocrisy, aka Republicans? It’s always some sitting congressman, trashing LGBTQ rights by day and hangin’ out at the truck stop restroom by night. Conservatives are the reaction-formation party. “I hate those gay guys, gays are horrible, I see that smut everyday, I’m watching it now …God, that guy’s hot.” It’s always the crusader, who secretly desires what he’s railing against. News Flash: Dear Republicans, you are not the “live and let live” people, you are the “family value warriors” who will eventually be busted downtown at the brothel, in diapers. Look no further than your toddler-in-chief, whose antics will trickle-down soon enough, but not the way you think. But more on that bladder *cough*, later.

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by Mick Zano • October 6, 2017

These libido reducing posters (LRPs) will be covered under Trump wear… *cough* TrumpCare.

Brought to you by the makers of Tums.

by Mick Zano • October 5, 2017

Pittsburgh, PA—Eighth term conservative congressman, Tim Murphy (R-Pa), is in an ethical quandary today after details emerged of an extra-marital affair, a pregnancy, and his rather progressive solution. After bringing Speaker Paul Ryan some Ayn Rand shot glasses, the two talked about the politician’s future in the GOP, or lack thereof. Murphy told the press, “When Republican politicians say the words ‘family values’, we mean it in a ‘do as I say, not who I do’, kind of way. It’s not hypocrisy, it’s hip-ocrisy. See what I did there? Look, it’s an extra marital affair, which means I’m working extra hard for the American taxpayer *cough* …well, with the aid of that blue pill still covered by the American taxpayer.”

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