In related news, wife claims he no longer needs to manscape.
Tag Archive for satire
Most Complete Snuffleupagus Remains Discovered In Northern Alaska
by Mick Zano •
The Frozen North—At the edge of the permafrost region of the Alaskan Arctic Circle-K, just north of the Home Depot, a group of intrepid explorers have discovered the best preserved remains of the elusive Snuffleupagus. Expedition head Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Gastropub, told reporters, “This discovery changes everything we know about early Pleistocene Muppets. For one thing, it looks like they could fly short distances and, apparently, they liked to hang out deep inside of glaciers. It also means I never should have prescribed all those injectable anti-psychotics for his friend Big Bird. Oh well, live and learn.” Dr. Hogbein was later found in downtown Anchorage asking locals, “Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? No, really. It’s for science.”
Today’s Zyprexa injection was brought to you by the letter Z.
Fascism Creep And More Carrion For The Wolves Of Wall Street
by Mick Zano •
This week’s fascism watch is rather extreme, even by normal Republican ‘standards’. Eighteen states, primarily of the Freedom Circus variety, are pushing a bill that undermines peaceful assembly. Yep, you heard rights, folks …as they vanish. If anything turns ugly during a protest, the organizers—not the Nazi, hooligan Trump-lovin’ instigators—but the organizers are more likely to face steeper fines and charges. And running over protestors is now encouraged, well, as long as they’re libs. Safe Space 2000? Sheriff Joe for President: ‘Carcerations R’ In! If this schitznik passes, our torch wielding, white supremacist friends can crash our parties with more free wheeling, wanton abandon. Gee, why are they trying to tamp down peaceful protests during the Age of Ass-Clown? Hmmm. Reminds me of that old SNL bit: Bad Idea Jeans. Fox & Friends have managed to avoid covering the deconstruction of our republic through the act of asking endless irrelevant questions about unrelated topics. Let’s award some partial credit as they’re helping to create an oligarchy without even knowing what the word means. Multi-asking? So where are their constitutionalists now? Silence of the Lames?
*SpongeBob Square-State joke removed by the editor.
And The Academy Award For Best Picture… Groundhog Day!
by Mick Zano •
Hollywood, CA—In a decision to help put Hollywood out of its misery, Faye Dunaway and Warren Betty are back on the stage for the 2018 Oscars …or maybe the Emmys, who knows? Whatever’s on the card. Only an estimated 17 people of the original 3,000+ will be in attendance on March 4th for the 90th annual Academy Awards, as the remainder have seen their #MeToo shadow and scurried back to their burrows for six more weeks of Twitter.
My Last Feature On The Futility Of Arguing With A Republican Sparked A Dynamic Debate *Sigh*
by Mick Zano •
Of course my recent post Study Finds Debating Table Lamp More Engaging Than Average Republican triggered a spirited debate. Ahhh, irony, it’s what’s for Discord. It was a much better debate than the lead up to the presidential election. Not that that’s saying much. My friend and blogvesary, Pokey McDooris, is all up in arms about this “salacious and unverified” dossier as it relates to the Russia probe, but what if it’s accurate? Is it really such a stretch that Mr. “Grab ’em by the pussy” could be salacious in private? Any port in a Stormy? And, if it remains unverified, don’t we just need a urine sample?
Details Of Trump’s Infrastructure Plan Leaked To The Press
by Mick Zano •
Manafort’s Business Partner, Rick Gates, Denies Any Ties To Russia: Discord First To Coin Phrase ‘Gates-Gate’
by Mick Zano •
Flagstaff, AZ—Rick Gates, business partner to Trump’s campaign manager Paul Manafort, will likely plead guilty to charges this week brought by special prosecutor Robert Mueller and his team. Even prior to the pending guilty plea, The Discord is touting its wordsmithular prowess by coining the phrase “Gates-Gate”, one that will likely go down in the annals of Discord history as “meh”. Rick Gates likely knows everything Manafort does, so if he ‘flipped’ and there was any collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia, this may well be, in the immortal words of Redd Foxx, “The big one, ‘lizabeth!” It is the belief of this writer that ultimately Gates-Gate will trigger the fall of this president. Look, Warren Zevon just went home with a waitress with Russian ties and that ended badly. Offhand, this seems much worse.”
“Singing Frog” Sensation Totally Embarrasses President!
by Mick Zano •
This Day In Future History: President Rubio Pressured Into Exhuming Hillary’s Body For 29th Benghazi Hearing
by Mick Zano •
Washington—President Marco Rubio has flip-flopped on his decision to allow the Senate Intelligence Committee to pursue yet another Benghazi hearing. The president told the press today, “With new evidence tweeted to me from Donald Trump Jr. *cough* from prison, there are still a number of unanswered questions about the Benghazi embassy attack.” After some initial reservations, the president is now ordering the exhumation of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton from her current resting place at Memory Gardens Cemetery in Arkansas. Clinton’s final wish was to be buried right alongside Vince Foster, a friend and colleague who died under mysterious circumstances, so “they could save time by only having to dig one hole for their next bullshit investigation.”
After SpaceX Car Stunt, Elon Musk Found Hitchhiking On Santa Monica Freeway
by Mick Zano •
Santa Monica, CA—Billionaire and SpaceX owner, Elon Musk, is blaming an employee for a glitch that sent his ride into space on Wednesday. After the Falcon Heavy blasted off with his car, Mr. Musk found himself with no ride from the launch pad back to his mansion in Bel Air. One onlooker was hesitant to pick up the mogul, because, “He looked a little too yuppie, and out of place with his obviously Photoshopped cardboard sign.”