Tag Archive for funny

For Partial Government Shutdown Only Lincoln And Roosevelt Viewable At Mount Rushmore

by Mick Zano • January 21, 2018

National Parksylvania—If the looming stalemate in Congress shifts to a partial government shutdown that could prove a worst case scenario for our national parks and memorials. Park and memorial services across the country would need to scramble to make only some of their featured landscapes and monuments available to the public. There would be strict congressional guidelines involving access, fees, and available vistas. For example, if you climb into the Grand Canyon and then the partial shutdown hits, you would not be allowed to climb back out. In Wyoming at the Grand Teton National Park, only one of the Great Tits would be displayed. Even more disturbing, the necessary geological mastectomy to remove the other mound may tally in the billions. At Yosemite National Park you can get into the scenic valley, but the famous Bridalveil Falls will be turned off with a giant spigot installed during the partial government shutdown of 2013.

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • January 17, 2018

Tweet Tower—Under the increased speculation that the president is unfit for office, the White House physician administered a cognitive assessment exam earlier this week. The physician, Patsy McPassfail, said the president performed “exceedingly well” on the Montreal Cognitive Assessment test. Today, however, an unknown staffer leaked the actual test the president received. The leaked assessment contained mostly tailored questions that the president had already answered at one time or another in tweet form. The physician also failed to follow standard scoring practices, often awarding partial credit to the president for picking something ‘right next to’ the correct answer.

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • January 11, 2018

President Trump wants the Mueller’s investigation to wind down as soon as possible, but one potential delay may include the counsel’s request for a direct interview with the president. Mueller’s team wants a sit down face to face meeting, but the president made it clear he only does interviews with Sean Hannity and only when the questions are sent to him way ahead of time. The president is also requesting no more than five questions, with explanatory pictures, as well as periodic statements that he is not actually under investigation and that he’s doing a ~~fine~~ GREAT job as president.

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • January 9, 2018

Tweet Tower—Several pounds of frozen people parts were discovered in Ziploc bags in White House advisor Stephen Miller’s freezer during a raid Monday night. Mr. Miller stated he’s “not sure” how the remains got there, but he is willing to work with investigators on finding some really tasty seasonal soup dishes. Agents noted how several movies were found at the Miller residence, including: Dahmer Kitchen Diaries, Silence of the Lambs: The Musical, as well as Sautéing Private Ryan. His bookcase contained such titles as The Cannibal Cookbook; The Good, The Bad and the Stir-fried; and a signed copy of Liberals: The Other White-House Meat. On a related note, a recent Discord survey found eight out of ten of those polled: “would have been surprised if human remains had not been found in Stephen Miller’s freezer.”

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • January 8, 2018

Only one year into this cocky horror picture show and our Republican friends are already circling the old wagons. Much uncertainty clouds the onset of year two of the Greatest Administration on Earth, so it’s time for some more prognostic magic. As for the Russia-probe, the surprising effectiveness of the Hannity-led attacks on the FBI and Mueller’s team is muddying the waters. No matter how wrong Republicans get, doubling down with mindless distractions seems to serve them well. The difference with this round? The rule of law itself hangs in the balance. We are now faced with two terrible choices: Jeff Sessions remains the Attorney General and further militarizes the police, re-ignites the failed war on drugs, tramples state-laws, destroys a ton of new businesses, all while stuffing our prisons to the brim with more non-violent offenders, or choice two: Sessions is sent packing in the next couple of weeks or months in favor of a new AG who, before taking the job, agrees to reign-in the Mueller investigation. For this scenario there is clearly the potential for a more successful Saturday Night Massacre, one that allows an indictable ass-clown to remain in office. Archibald Cox sucker? But fear not, I know how this all ends! (Hint: think Rogue One meets Bambi’s mother over at The Green Mile.)

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • January 6, 2018

Mar-a-Lego—A new playground is at the center of a brewing White House controversy. Attorney General Jeff Sessions is under mounting pressure to investigate claims that the president is using a playground in Springfield to recruit new administration members and staffers and get them to join his Trump Youth movement. The Discord’s Cokie McGrath staked out the playground yesterday. “These kids are getting ‘unpresidented’ presidential access that could influence Trump’s policy making decisions,” said McGrath. “Will Trump’s wall come complete with some cool tunnels, slides, and a built in jungle gym? I have already discovered laundered money, counterfeit money, and lunch money on the premises. Everything is under the table here. Really, it’s right under that picnic table and some of it looks really dirty, like it’s been in the mud puddle at the end of the slide.”

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • January 2, 2018

Dim Sum restaurant owner Li Sun not only helped discover a clatch of old dinosaur eggs at a construction site near his home, but he’s serving them as a million-year-old egg special that includes shredded pork and rice congee. The #12 on his menu is a favorite among the culinary adventurous. Sun admits the eggs are “a little hard”, but otherwise they are a popular novelty item. Sun admits some of his customers have chipped their teeth during the ingestion process, but overall the feedback has been positive. “There is a dentist right next door,” said Sun. “That’s a small price to pay to say you ate a dinosaur. So the only thing to fear is, well, you should also avoid the #14. It’s a little chewy and we’re not really sure why.”

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • January 1, 2018

The U.S. just received one of the worst disparity of wealth scores among developed countries by the World Economic Forum, and this dismal achievement occurred before the pending carnage of Trump’s new tax plan. Luckily Republicans can’t discern if any country, or if any thing is even developed [Roy Moore joke removed by the editor]. Today our nation’s disparity trails even Russia’s …you know, the country at least partly responsible for our current State of the Union. From Russia with Lube? St. Petersbugger? Katherine the Make America Great Again? [Roy Moore’s horse joke removed by the editor].

Sorry, it’s a condition, please continue…

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • December 31, 2017

Oceans 11 (because our oceans go to 11)—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Casino, has put forth a controversial new theory of our ancient oceans. Dr. Hogbein believes the early Ordovician period, traditionally believed to have been dominated by giant nautiloids and hemorrhoids, was actually ruled by a giant extinct submarine known as megalasub. “These were truly giants of the deep,” said Hogbein, “Nothing could have stood a chance against a submarine that could grow to the length of 375 meters. Could you imagine if Subway served a 375 meter long sub? I can’t, thankfully.”

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • December 29, 2017

Sweet Home Alabama—Judge Roy Moore is claiming the recent special senatorial election was clearly rigged against horses. The former judge and presumed pedophile is pointing to widespread equine voter suppression as the culprit behind his recent loss to known liberal and Hillary-sympathizer, Doug Jones. Moore told the press today, “Sassy gets even sassier when her vote is being systematically suppressed by liberals. Not on my watch, not in my country, and not on the horse I rode in on. There is enough evidence today that horses did not get to vote to trigger a recount, particularly if Trigger didn’t get a vote.”

READ MORE ->