Tag Archive for satire

What I Learned About The Holiday Political Conversation: The Don’ts And Don’ts

by Mick Zano • April 8, 2018

Amidst the Age of Ignorance, family gatherings are really starting to suck, but here’s what I’ve learned from the latest holiday gauntlet. Many of us are now facing this uncomfortable reunion reality: Hey, let’s get a lot of people who don’t agree on anything and serve them a shit-ton of holiday cheer! The demise of the political conversation has been a long time coming, but how do we protect the next generation from Republican thought? Thoughts in-and-of themselves are generally a good thing, but when it comes to the rightwing, ‘thought’ has nothing do with it. Healthy debates and exchanges of ideas are certainly the hallmark of a functional and vibrant democracy, but, umm, we don’t have one of those. Have you met President Ass-Clown Hitler?

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by Mick Zano • April 7, 2018

Key West, FL—Saturday afternoon a picture of Special Counsel Robert Mueller surfaced on Facebook. The picture depicts Mueller kicking back on a fishing boat with a check-in pin that suggests the image was taken in Key West, Florida. Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) said, “Come on! I don’t care how much he likes fishing, he had to know how bad the optics would look! So who took the picture, Comey or McCabe? Did he tag them on FB? When did he fish, and what did he fish for? Let’s call this one Saltwater-gate.”

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by Mick Zano • April 3, 2018

Tweet Tower—President Trump announced the firing of Vincent “Vinny” Gagootz and Frankie “Knuckles” Marinelli shorty after the Washington Examiner broke the story of the discovery of a body in the Tidal Basin of the nation’s capital. President Trump is calling any connection between the pugnacious pair and the body that washed ashore during the Cherry Blossom Festival early Saturday as “Fake News.” The president told the press today, “These are not the guys who hide the bodies…obviously. We are going to miss Vinny and Knuckles around here. They’re good thugs, the best thugs. I don’t think this face *cough* I mean, this place is going to be the same without them.”

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by Mick Zano • March 29, 2018

Palm Beach, FL—President Donald Trump is reportedly “furious” with the news of the current trajectory of the Chinese space station, the Tiangong-1. Current data from both the China National Space Administration and NASA estimates the decaying orbit of the doomed space lab will end on April 1st directly over Trump’s prized resort, Mar-a-Lago. The Chinese government is maintaining their story that this is an “uncontrolled re-entry” and later added the word, “Oopsies”.

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by Mick Zano • March 28, 2018

Kemerovo, RU—Despite instructions written clearly on an index card in ALL CAPS, President Donald Trump congratulated President Putin today for the Winter Cherry Mall fire that claimed 64 Russian lives. The mall fire, which equates to a series of errors including the disabling of the public announcement system and a number of blocked emergency exit, is currently a national disgrace. Present and former diplomats alike were aghast at Trump’s comments and are calling them “insensitive” and “really dumb.”

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by Mick Zano • March 26, 2018

Rusty Acres—Shortly before medication time, National Security Adviser John Bolton was found outside of his nursing home, walking in circles and babbling to himself incoherently. The manager of the group home said, “This isn’t uncommon for John. He sometimes says he’s just trying to get the United Nations to ‘stir some shit up’. We usually just direct him back to his room where he can get back to sticking pins in his ‘towel head’ doll collection.”

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by Mick Zano • March 21, 2018

Tweet Tower—Rumors of the president’s rocky marriage are starting to surface as Stormy Daniels’ lawyer reveals more details of the palace intrigue. President Trump recently made the joke, “Who’s leaving the White House next? Steve Miller or Melania?” Trump told the Discord today, “Masturbating to Fox News was really getting old, especially since Megyn Kelly left. Come back to me, Megyn! I might even apologize, or at least make someone do it for me. Melania rarely stays in the same time zone as me anymore so, yeah, I called in some favors. Any port in a stormy, right?”

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by Mick Zano • March 19, 2018

Moscow—Vladimir Putin has thwarted defeat yet again in the 2018 Russian presidential race. In the end he received 137% of the votes, making this election his third best showing of all time. Election day polls suggested the incumbent was slipping to 115% of the vote and some polls even showed Putin with an anemic 102% approval rating. Many blame this electoral ebb on his decision to poison a father & daughter in the UK, “So close to election day.” In a gracious acceptance speech that occurred to the backdrop of the execution of his political rivals, Putin promised to vanquish Russia’s enemies and poison its frenemies. Despite the well received message many Russian citizens are still questioning his choice of campaign slogan: Nerve Agents Take Noive!

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by Mick Zano • March 16, 2018

Lancaster, PA—Shortly after SpaceX announced its intention to head for the red planet next year, the CEO of the company, Elon Musk, inadvertently revealed his Amish heritage. It all started when friend and fellow space pioneer, Richard Branson, invited Musk to his private island, but he declined the offer, saying, “I have to go back home this weekend to help my friends build a barn.” Later that week, this image surfaced showing a bearded Musk, engaging in decidedly Amish activities.

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by Mick Zano • March 8, 2018

The Russians are helping! The Russians are helping! The Daily Discord is pleased to announce a prominent Web Traffic Analyzer from Moscow, John Smith, plans to help our website receive more traffic by expanding our social media presence and improving our Google ranking. And, since they are such big fans, they’re offering an extended free trial for their services until November 6th, 2018. Wow! What a deal! All we have to do in return is share one daily post on all of our social media platforms. It’s awesome! They even write this daily post for us. They explained the key is in improving SEO ranking through relevant key word searches. Here’s one of the templates, designed specifically for this website, to help us on our way to Pay per Click advertising: Hi, We at ________ think the Democratic candidate is really bad for America. He/She will bring about the end of America. Very bad. And he/she will take your guns! I know him/her personally and they are like that. Please save America and your guns! Спасибо.

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