Tag Archive for humor

DOJ To Investigate New Trump Playground’s ‘Unpresidented’ Access And Instances Of Quid Pro Kid

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Mar-a-Lego—A new playground is at the center of a brewing White House controversy. Attorney General Jeff Sessions is under mounting pressure to investigate claims that the president is using a playground in Springfield to recruit new administration members and staffers and get them to join his Trump Youth movement. The Discord’s Cokie McGrath staked out the playground yesterday. “These kids are getting ‘unpresidented’ presidential access that could influence Trump’s policy making decisions,” said McGrath. “Will Trump’s wall come complete with some cool tunnels, slides, and a built in jungle gym? I have already discovered laundered money, counterfeit money, and lunch money on the premises. Everything is under the table here. Really, it’s right under that picnic table and some of it looks really dirty, like it’s been in the mud puddle at the end of the slide.”

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Judge Roy Moore Calls “Foul” As Horse “Sassy” Denied Vote

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Sweet Home Alabama—Judge Roy Moore is claiming the recent special senatorial election was clearly rigged against horses. The former judge and presumed pedophile is pointing to widespread equine voter suppression as the culprit behind his recent loss to known liberal and Hillary-sympathizer, Doug Jones. Moore told the press today, “Sassy gets even sassier when her vote is being systematically suppressed by liberals. Not on my watch, not in my country, and not on the horse I rode in on. There is enough evidence today that horses did not get to vote to trigger a recount, particularly if Trigger didn’t get a vote.”

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The Discord’s Decade In Review: The Fine Line Between Questioning Authority And Questioning Reality

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Perusing the Discord files was an enlightening trip down memory-impaired lane. It was a great reminder of the staggering consistency of Republican ignorance. The Ingraham-style Angle is always a distraction and it’s an astoundingly cyclic and repetitive one. An event happens, Republicans draw the opposite conclusion, then they’re proven wrong, then they’re too busy being wrong about something else to notice, and then Reince, Priebus, Repeat. So what were they going on about six months ago? According to our archives here. How about this time last year? Pizzagate! Remember that slice of cheesy crapolla? How about two years ago? In 2015 Pokey was Caliphate fear-mongering for Christmas. Holy Crusades Batman! How about this time in 2013? Oh, yeah, Travelgate. Wow! Check out that overblown pile of Traveloshitty, here. It’s harder to go back in the archives further from our old server, but dammit, let’s do this! Yep, it gets worse as you go back …for them. Over the years my predictions seem to be spot on, so there’s must be spot off …which is fine if you’re a carpet cleaner.

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Trump To Replace Words ‘Climate Change’ In Government Documents With ‘Robert Mueller’

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The White House announced today the words ‘climate change’ will hereby be changed to the special prosecutor’s name ‘Robert Mueller’, wherever and whenever they appear in official government documentation. This executive order reaches all existing government agencies, including the Department of Agriculture, the Department of Commerce, NOAA and the Defense Department, just to name a few. This White House decree orders the changes be made via the Microsoft Office add-and-replace function. Additional mandates include the elimination of anything considered ‘evidence-based’ or ‘science-based’. These will be changed to some other stuff with the new headings of either ‘Hannity-said’, or ‘Trump-tweeted’. The White House is touting the level of choice still remaining for agency officials is impressive, and these moves are designed to further curb the impact of fake science from undermining key Trump initiatives.

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Mueller Team Replacements? SETI And NASA To Scour Galaxy For Any Sign Of Intelligent Life That Doesn’t Think Trump Is An Idiot

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The rightwing media is demanding Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller’s entire team be replaced with people who show no bias toward President Ass-Clown Hitler. According to the Institute For People Who Think & Stuff, accomplishing such a feat may prove difficult given the context of our current political reality. Finding enough unbiased intelligent life-forms who still support the president seems unlikely at this time, so pro-Trump factions are suggesting the search for unbiased life be expanded to include quadrants beyond the boundary of our known solar system.

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Man Abandons Search For Car Left In Toronto Parking Garage Since Lollapalooza Six

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Mississauga, ON—Steve Wetzel of Mississauga is officially changing the status of his ’86 Honda Civic from MIA to DOA. The now 46-year-old Arrow Mart clerk told police he forgot which parking garage he parked in before heading to the Lollapalooza Six concert back in 1996. Mr. Wetzel told the Discord today, “Lollapalooza Six was crazy! Park Place is a big area and I was really stoned. I bet its been towed by now. I’m screwed.” When asked if he’d checked with any of the local impounds Wetzel said, “It’s not a cat, man, it’s my car …well, my dad’s car.”

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Adventures in Boneland: The Sex, Drugs, and Punk Rock and Roll Collection

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Over the years I’ve left the bulk of the political commentary to Zano, which I realize now was a yuuge mistake. It’s too hard to keep up. By the time I send Zano an article, it’s dated before he gets it. After being accused of trying to hit on a 14-year-old boy, Kevin Spacy came out of the closet and admitted he was a Republican. See why this is impossible? This joke was already shit on by Al Franken, Trent Franks, and half of Hollywood. So, amidst this wave of allegations and resignations, I’ve decided to stick with and defend what I know: Sex, Drugs, and Punk Rock & Roll. 

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