Tag Archive for satire

Turkey Starts WWIII On Thanksgiving!

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Putin riding dogs of war

Putin Unleashes The Dogs Of War

Moscow—To the dismay of billions, Turkey has ironically chosen Thanksgiving to end the world. With tensions already high, Turkish Prime Minster Ahmet Davutoğlu raised the ante. He mooned Russian President Vladimir Putin before letting fly a barrage of inappropriate gestures and sounds a la the French-taunter scene from Monty Python’s Holy Grail. As a result the Russian Bear is on the prowl. Since Turkey is a member of NATO, Obama immediately drew a metaphorical red line in the sand, before being whisked away by the Secret Service to a secure location…to golf.

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Put The Fish Bladder Back Guinness Or I’m Cancelling Happy Hour At Murphy’s!

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beers-guinness_bladderMLLas Vegas,  NV—It’s been awhile since I’ve paid homage to the Guinness Gods, but I wish I was returning to this topic under better circumstances. I bring terrible news. It’s not about the Mets; it’s much worse. Guinness is taking the trace amounts of fish bladder from their famous malt-roasted magic. I know, I know, but it’s going to be okay, because I’m suing Guinness and every internet troll who attacked the use of this natural product. This important ingredient will likely be replaced with creosote or some other industrial varnish. How can they change a centuries old recipe in any way shape or form, even if said form is bladder-shaped?! Don’t touch a hair on this sacred brew’s head…well, you can take out the hair, but that’s all! Hit the read more button to read my inflammatory letter sent snail-mail to Guinness Inc.

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Upon Entry Into U.S. Should Refugees Pass A Holy Waterboarding Test?

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immigration office to waterboard potential refugeesWashington—Congress has advanced a bill encouraging people from war-ravaged parts of the Middle East to: “Stay the F put and make the best of it.” This bill also caps the number of refugees arriving from this region of the world to four. Those four lucky new Americans must agree to be blessed with Holy Water as part of the last phase of a new 37-step immigration process. Democrats are criticizing the bill as being “over the top” and “stupid, even for them.”

“Nonsense,” said Senator John Q. Republican. “This is not over the top, that is a Stallone movie. Look, not only can Holy Water expose and or burn potential Muslim terrorists, it might also keep vampires out of our country indefinitely. It’s win, win!”

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Last of Gitmo Detainees Traded To Colorado Avalanche

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avsdetaineesIn a deal many republicans are calling “reckless” and “shortsighted”, The Department of Defense has traded the last of the Guantanamo detainees to the Colorado Avalanche. This move follows other controversial deals that have scattered the prisoners into several teams across the National Hockey League. One detainee is already in critical condition after being ‘Zamboni-boarded’ between periods by his own teammates.

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