Tag Archive for funny

After Body Discovered At Cherry Blossom Festival Trump Fires Vinny And Knuckles

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Tweet Tower—President Trump announced the firing of Vincent “Vinny” Gagootz and Frankie “Knuckles” Marinelli shorty after the Washington Examiner broke the story of the discovery of a body in the Tidal Basin of the nation’s capital. President Trump is calling any connection between the pugnacious pair and the body that washed ashore during the Cherry Blossom Festival early Saturday as “Fake News.” The president told the press today, “These are not the guys who hide the bodies…obviously. We are going to miss Vinny and Knuckles around here. They’re good thugs, the best thugs. I don’t think this face *cough* I mean, this place is going to be the same without them.”

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Falling Chinese Space Station Set To Obliterate Mar-a-Lago!

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Palm Beach, FL—President Donald Trump is reportedly “furious” with the news of the current trajectory of the Chinese space station, the Tiangong-1. Current data from both the China National Space Administration and NASA estimates the decaying orbit of the doomed space lab will end on April 1st directly over Trump’s prized resort, Mar-a-Lago. The Chinese government is maintaining their story that this is an “uncontrolled re-entry” and later added the word, “Oopsies”.

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A Confused National Security Adviser Found Wandering From Nursing Home

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Rusty Acres—Shortly before medication time, National Security Adviser John Bolton was found outside of his nursing home, walking in circles and babbling to himself incoherently. The manager of the group home said, “This isn’t uncommon for John. He sometimes says he’s just trying to get the United Nations to ‘stir some shit up’. We usually just direct him back to his room where he can get back to sticking pins in his ‘towel head’ doll collection.”

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Palm Before The Stormy? Upon Growing Tired Of “Tugging The Little Tyrant” Trump Dialed Daniels

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Tweet Tower—Rumors of the president’s rocky marriage are starting to surface as Stormy Daniels’ lawyer reveals more details of the palace intrigue. President Trump recently made the joke, “Who’s leaving the White House next? Steve Miller or Melania?” Trump told the Discord today, “Masturbating to Fox News was really getting old, especially since Megyn Kelly left. Come back to me, Megyn! I might even apologize, or at least make someone do it for me. Melania rarely stays in the same time zone as me anymore so, yeah, I called in some favors. Any port in a stormy, right?”

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Putin Ekes Out Reelection Victory With Mere 137% Of Vote

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Moscow—Vladimir Putin has thwarted defeat yet again in the 2018 Russian presidential race. In the end he received 137% of the votes, making this election his third best showing of all time. Election day polls suggested the incumbent was slipping to 115% of the vote and some polls even showed Putin with an anemic 102% approval rating. Many blame this electoral ebb on his decision to poison a father & daughter in the UK, “So close to election day.” In a gracious acceptance speech that occurred to the backdrop of the execution of his political rivals, Putin promised to vanquish Russia’s enemies and poison its frenemies. Despite the well received message many Russian citizens are still questioning his choice of campaign slogan: Nerve Agents Take Noive!

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Elon Musk Secretly Amish

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Lancaster, PA—Shortly after SpaceX announced its intention to head for the red planet next year, the CEO of the company, Elon Musk, inadvertently revealed his Amish heritage. It all started when friend and fellow space pioneer, Richard Branson, invited Musk to his private island, but he declined the offer, saying, “I have to go back home this weekend to help my friends build a barn.” Later that week, this image surfaced showing a bearded Musk, engaging in decidedly Amish activities. 

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Most Complete Snuffleupagus Remains Discovered In Northern Alaska

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The Frozen North—At the edge of the permafrost region of the Alaskan Arctic Circle-K, just north of the Home Depot, a group of intrepid explorers have discovered the best preserved remains of the elusive Snuffleupagus. Expedition head Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Gastropub, told reporters, “This discovery changes everything we know about early Pleistocene Muppets. For one thing, it looks like they could fly short distances and, apparently, they liked to hang out deep inside of glaciers. It also means I never should have prescribed all those injectable anti-psychotics for his friend Big Bird. Oh well, live and learn.” Dr. Hogbein was later found in downtown Anchorage asking locals, “Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? No, really. It’s for science.”

Today’s Zyprexa injection was brought to you by the letter Z.

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Fascism Creep And More Carrion For The Wolves Of Wall Street

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This week’s fascism watch is rather extreme, even by normal Republican ‘standards’. Eighteen states, primarily of the Freedom Circus variety, are pushing a bill that undermines peaceful assembly. Yep, you heard rights, folks …as they vanish. If anything turns ugly during a protest, the organizers—not the Nazi, hooligan Trump-lovin’ instigators—but the organizers are more likely to face steeper fines and charges. And running over protestors is now encouraged, well, as long as they’re libs. Safe Space 2000? Sheriff Joe for President: ‘Carcerations R’ In! If this schitznik passes, our torch wielding, white supremacist friends can crash our parties with more free wheeling, wanton abandon. Gee, why are they trying to tamp down peaceful protests during the Age of Ass-Clown? Hmmm. Reminds me of that old SNL bit: Bad Idea Jeans. Fox & Friends have managed to avoid covering the deconstruction of our republic through the act of asking endless irrelevant questions about unrelated topics. Let’s award some partial credit as they’re helping to create an oligarchy without even knowing what the word means. Multi-asking? So where are their constitutionalists now? Silence of the Lames?

*SpongeBob Square-State joke removed by the editor.

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And The Academy Award For Best Picture… Groundhog Day!

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Hollywood, CA—In a decision to help put Hollywood out of its misery, Faye Dunaway and Warren Betty are back on the stage for the 2018 Oscars …or maybe the Emmys, who knows? Whatever’s on the card. Only an estimated 17 people of the original 3,000+ will be in attendance on March 4th for the 90th annual Academy Awards, as the remainder have seen their #MeToo shadow and scurried back to their burrows for six more weeks of Twitter.

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