Tag Archive for satire

Man In Gorilla Suit Eaten By Sasquatch

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gorillabigfootML

Bend, OR—A man attempting to hoax some hikers in the Pacific Northwest was attacked and devoured by an angry sasquatch earlier today. One witness claims, “It was the most horrifyingly hysterical thing I’ve ever seen. You shit your pants, then you giggle, then you shit your pants some more, and then you giggle again. It was total side-sharting laughter.” Another witness added, “I’m glad my whole family was there to see this. I think some day we’ll all look back on this incident and say it was worth the therapy.”

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UnPresidented? Obama Using Temp Agency To Fill Supreme Court Vacancy

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Washington—President Barack Obama is using his executive authority to appoint a temporary Supreme Court Justice to the bench. The President is not interested in having a long vacancy for this critical position. Critics claim utilizing such temp agencies for the highest court in the land would be inappropriate. Republicans are calling the move “dumb” and “stupid.” They would like to expand on those criticism once Thesaurus.com is back up and running.  Obama responded, “We admit this is less than ideal, but our Human Resource Department is really struggling to fill key positions of late. The judges are all covered under Obamacare, which is actually part of the problem. It really only covers on-the-job accidents that occur while legislating like, for instances, hitting your hands with the gavel, or tripping on your robes while approaching the bench. Oh, and those death panels are also covered for judges, depending on who is president at the time.”

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Flo From Progressive Insurance Detained By Trump Campaign for Questioning

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Trump Tower—A suspicious piece of mail arrived at Donald Trump’s son’s apartment yesterday. The mail contained an as yet identified substance referred to by republicans as Benghazite. A few hours ago the actress from those Progressive commercials, Flo, was bodily dragged from her home in TV land. Donald Trump is calling Flo a “person of interest in the case,” but  has yet to explain why he plans to detain her indefinitely.  “Look, this is covered in the Patriot Act and I am the number one acting patriot.” The Geico gecko and the guys from those Sonic commercials are demanding her immediate release.

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North Korea Warns South Park And Springfield In Reach Of Hydrogen Bomb

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N. Korea—The Glorious Leader of North Korea, Kim Jong Un, announced today his country has a bomb capable of annihilating several American fictional cities. Jong Un stated, “We can now take out Springfield, South Park, and Toon Town with impunity. Our delivery range and new missile system is vastly improved over the Limp Dong I and the Limp Dong (and explodes on the rocket pad) II. Gotham and Metropolis are also now at our mercy. We have watched your Avengers closely and we are prepared for any counterattack from Iron Man and his minions.  My country has also not ruled out striking Narnia, Middle-Earth and the Kingdoms of Westoros. Although, I may hold off on Westoros until we find out if Jon is okay. Spoiler alert! In short, my country can blow a place like Bedrock back to the stone age!”
 
The General who attempted to correct Jong Un on his Flintstone faux pas was simultaneously set on fire and shot (first offense).

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GOP Establishment Working Frantically To Pull Head Out Of Own Ass

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Having the establishment try to pull its head out of its own ass isn’t pretty. It’s kind of like watching Wolverine put in a contact lens, drunk. Liberals are now on the warpath and tearing up Trump rallies. Hopefully riot injuries are covered under Obamacare. Whereas I can’t condone this behavior, the score is still not “even”. Republicans have a problem with comparisons. If our worst behaved liberal citizens are on par with your presidential nominations, you’re still on the short end of the schtick. To put this into war terminology, I tend to point out the horrible actions of General Ass-Clown, while conservatives tend to highlight the behaviors of Cannon Fodder Fred. The intentions of some poorly behaved hoodlums in Chicago do not trump Trump, or any of your other not-ready-for-prime-time candidates. If libs nominated one of the violent rally hoodlums for the position of President, then it would be even. We creep what we sow. So stop planting Trumpquats!

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Jerry Springer’s Publicist Denying Discord Allegations

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A protester holds up a ripped campaign sign for Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump before a rally on the campus of the University of Illinois-Chicago, Friday, March 11, 2016, in Chicago. (AP Photo/Charles Rex Arbogast)

Chicago, Il—Jerry Springer’s publicist, Linda Shafran, is refuting a recent Daily Discord feature. She claims her client was on business in California on March 11th and not, as The Discord feature suggests, in attendance at the infamous Chicago Trump rally. She also added the person in the above image “only looks a tiny bit like Jerry.”

The Discord staff would like to ask, which above image? One is clearly Mr. Springer.  Why so quick to come to his defense? We didn’t actually believe your client was at this event, until now. How do you explain the above Photoshopped image of your client battered and bruised? Is Mr. Springer going to address Mr. Trump’s fictional criticism? Your comments raise more questions than they answer, which is fairly typical.

Click to read her full comment.

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Trumpghazi? Chicago Rally Attacks Were Planned, Not The Spontaneous Protest Of A Hateful Ass-Clown

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TrumpghaziML

Trump Tower—The Donald told reporters today the events at last night’s Trump rally in Chicago were planned and coordinated attacks. He believes they were not, as Hillary Clinton maintains, a spontaneous demonstration carried out by random progressive protestors. Trump believes this attack was anything but random. Trump said, “Chicago has become a vacuum of power under the Obama Administration. As a result, Illinois has become a failed state. Not to mention I hate the way they spell it. It’s weird. It’s weird. Chicago and its surrounding communities have become an ideal breeding ground for what I call progressive progressiveness. Why won’t Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama call Illinois what it is? It’s a poorly spelled, failed state. Their gross incompetence has helped to create Irrational-Shitty-Idiotic-Liberals (ISIL).” 

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