Tag Archive for funny

Thousands Watch As Magician Criss Angel Makes Gitmo Vanish Into Thin Air

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Washington, DC—President Barack Obama was all smiles today as he and the First Lady watched magician Criss Angel’s performance at Guantanamo Bay. The 48-year-old illusionist wowed a large live audience with his most elaborate trick to date. At the start of his act a giant cloth surrounded the notorious detention facility, Guantanamo Bay, but when the cloth was dropped only an empty landscape remained. Critics are calling the move a gross violation of the Constitution. Presumptive Republican nominee, Donald Trump, said, “Obama is dumb. He’s dumb. A. He could have had Cubans build the giant cloth around Guantanamo and 2. the trick should have made the prison grow larger. I want to round up every ISIS and Al-Qaeda member in the world and put them all into my larger camp, which I will rename Trump Torture. I might employ Mr. Angel to make the Red Cross disappear.”

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Suicide Pact? 13-Bald Eagles Dead After Release Of Latest Trump Poll Numbers

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Federalsburg, MD—Thirteen bald eagles were found dead in eastern Maryland today. Some are theorizing this was a suicide pact as witnesses describe the birds as “flying directly into American flags like kamikazes.” It is believed one eagle from each of the original 13 colonies flew to Maryland as part of a suicide pact to protest Donald Trump’s current success in the Republican nominee primaries. Either that or the eagles decided they couldn’t go on without Glenn Fry.

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Hillary Clinton “Nonplussed” By Daily Discord Endorsement

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clintonDailyDisocordFlagstaff, AZ—The Tuesday before Super Tuesday is about to get even supererer as The Daily Discord is throwing a HUGE endorsement Hillary’s way. Many of my fellow contributors are clearly Berning, so this was a tough choice. My rants over the last decade are imbued with a common theme. I feel strongly that a Republican supermajority would be worse than when Kidz Bop opened for that Jonas Brothers cover band. Never again! My ultimate decision to support Hillary is twofold: 1. Hillary is one the most qualified candidates in recent memory and 2. most of her popularity problems are based on either the actions of her husband, or what we in the industry call “bullshit.” When it comes to complaints there’s very little there, there. Her main problem is her likeability. She’s a walking personality-void in a pantsuit. She makes John Kerry seem like the Most Interesting Man in the World. “I don’t always endorse candidates for president, but when I do, they where pant suits.”

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Glenn Beck Is Fasting For Ted Cruz: Beck-Fast At Bigotries?

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Prior to the Iowa Caucuses, Glenn Beck threw his support behind Ted Cruz and he has been campaigning for him ever since. The Beckster is now willing to fast until his choice for the Republican nomination wins super Tuesday, which Beck dearly hopes comes with cheesy fries. “I will be ready for cheesy fries by then,” explained Mr. Beck, “or some other substance in the chili fry, or poutine family.” If Cruz doesn’t win, Glenn Beck feels the blame should fall squarely on Christians and their inability to choose between a snake oil salesman and a megalomaniacal ass-clown.

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Pillowbuster? Obama Orders Three More Pillows For Thomas, Roberts, And Alito

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ninjaMLWashington—In the wake of the suspicious death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, President Obama is implementing Operation: Pillow Fight. The President’s plan is to order three more pillows to remove the last three conservative justices from the bench, with prejudice. President Obama said, “There is only three people standing in the way of a liberal legislative nirvana and I think we all know who they are. So repeal and replace this, bitches. ” He then told critics today he will not require approval from Congress and can proceed with this triple homicide on an Executive Order. If this mission is successful and four Supreme Court Justice vacancies become open in the near future, the President has not ruled out nominating all of the members of Nickelback.

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Pope Demands to See Trump’s Baptismal Certificate

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The Vatican—The Pope is firing back at Donald Trump today. After his last attack on The Donald, the Pope’s global approval rating dropped 15 points, but he remains very critical of some of the current republican frontrunner’s policies. The Vatican encouraged His Holiness to come out swinging in the face of this controversy. Mr. Trump responded to the criticism that “he is not a true Christian” by saying, “Who is more Christian than me? The meek love me; they love me. Remember the trials of Joab? Yeah, if I were President he would have had a Joab and he wouldn’t have had to hang out inside a friggin’ fish all day. Teach a man to fish and I have some casino charter boats to show him.” In related news, the staffer who attempted to correct The Donald on his biblical prowess is currently Joab hunting.

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Pope Condones Use Of Contraception To Combat Zika: “But Only For The Mosquito”

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popelionWashington—Zika, a disease associated with encephalitis and microcephaly, continues to spread across the globe at an alarming rate. Its main mode of transmission remains mosquitoes, sexual intercourse, or sharing needles with sexually active mosquitoes (SAMs). Pope Francis rocked the Christian world today when he announced his support of using contraception, in certain instances, to combat Zika. Unfortunately, he then clarified his statement. The Pope is essentially only approving condom use for those mosquitoes who may be carrying the dreaded disease.

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Dear GOP, I Think You’re Choking On Something

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popetrumpA headline over on Drudge yesterday read “Christians Under Siege!” Yes, I took the bait and made the mistake of reading the whole article. The assaults on Christianity are always a variation of the same two: Christians are now forced to watch other people marry the person they love and/or not everyone says “Merry Christmas” as enthusiastically as our Founding Father’s envisioned. Some people even have the audacity to say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” on December 25th .…you know, Saturnalia. The main point of this same article shifted to southern Christian conservatives burden to make sure they choose the right, God-fearing candidate. This is a tremendous burden, indeed, as they must decide whether their party should tack stupid, or tack reeeally stupid. I think if Hercules had to choose between these jokers, he’d be like, “Can I just wrestle the giant squid again, please?”

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