Tag Archive for funny

Creepy Evangelical Snake Oil Salesman GOP’s Last Hope Of Defeating Megalomaniacal Ass-Clown

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Glenn Beck Headquarters—Deep in the heart of an undisclosed Denny’s, Glenn Beck and the rest of the League of Extra Ordinary Gentlemen assembled in a last ditch effort to save the Republican party. The Discord’s own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, was able to gain entrance to this clandestine group before the breakfast specials ended. Glenn Beck called for order by banging a ketchup bottle on the end of the table before addressing a small booth filled with Governor Rick Perry, the late Mathew Breitbart, and either ZZ-Top or three of the members of Duck Dynasty. Some had pitchforks others held lit torches. The waitress was pissed. This secret Ted-Cruz-admiration-society vowed to do everything in its power to keep the current GOP frontrunner from becoming the nominee. Shouts of “kill the monster!” abounded.

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The Confederate Flag: Public Opinion Is Often A Petty Thing

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petty flag (4)A few years ago, I published an exhaustive multi-part article on Lynyrd Skynyrd and their iconoclastic singer and lyricist, the late Ronnie Van Zant.  The main thrust of the piece was that “Sweet Home Alabama” was not a racist song at all (the key is in the last verse, plus a line Ronnie throws away at the end), but an attempt by Southern hippies to reject the years of bigotry and hatred and murder weighing down their culture, while still maintaining a Southern sense of identity.  This gave rise to the 1970s liberated redneck (see also: the Allman Brothers, Jimmy Carter). One section concerned an issue that has recently reemerged in the public consciousness: the Confederate Flag, which Lynyrd Skynyrd and other bands of the time used as a stage backdrop.

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Bernie Wins 7th Debate With Rousing Rendition Of Hamlet

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Democratic Presidential Candidates Debate In Flint

 

Flint, MI—At the Democratic debate last night Hillary Clinton clearly felt the Bern. Leading up to this debate, Bernie Sanders was under increased scrutiny to provide more details when answering questions. In a move no one saw coming, the longest serving Senator wowed the audience with scenes from Hamlet and other Shakespearean classics. When Hillary attacked Sanders for failing to support the auto-industry bailouts, he responded, “We don’t need cars. A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse!” The crowd loved it.  When the issue turned to the water crisis in Flint, he responded with a W.C. Fields quote before finishing with Macbeth.  “I never drink water because of the disgusting things fish do in it. Out, damn’d spot! out, I say!” Even people in the audience suffering from lead poisoning themselves couldn’t help but give Bernie a standing ovation.

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Travel Plans An Uphill Battle For Man Named Zika Ebola

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Tunisa—A Nigerian man with the unfortunate name Zika Ebola is on a permanent layover in a Tunisian airport. Despite requesting full screenings and medical examinations, no one will come within ten feet of Mr. Ebola. Even Zika-sniffing dogs, usually employed in these situations, are just whimpering and trying to scramble up the baggage chutes. Mr. Ebola has yet to be cleared to leave the Tunis-Carthage International Airport snack bar. At this point, he is very concerned of ever reaching Disney Land or his uncle’s wind farm, before he is due back at the water treatment plant.

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Trump’s Inexplicable Rise Was Quite Explicable

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CBC5DE Boris Karloff in the 1935 film The Bride of Frankenstein, directed by James Whale.

This week David Corn over at Mother Jones wrote an article explaining the inexplicable rise of Donald Trump. I wrote a suspiciously similar article, prior to Trump’s emergence, last August. I find The Donald’s popularity with the republican base quite explicable. It’s not the similar image that irks me so much as the similar content. I saw this shit coming a vile away. I love you Dave, but you have two choices: hire me at Mother Jones, or expect a call from a Mr. Goldberg of Goldberg, Goldberg & Cohen. What’s really inexplicable is how spoof news folks continue to outshine our more traditional journalists. Mother Jones is welcome to join the Daily Discord. With your skills and my prognostication prowess, I’m sure Mother Discord will become a beacon of clarity in these dark times. Thus Spake Zanothustra?

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The Daily Discord’s Apology XCI: The Artistry of Kanye, The Accuracy of Trump

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daisyduke

 

I am soooo fucking done with this shit. The only reason I, as CEO of The Discord, haven’t killed Zano outright is the associated jail time. This is another retraction installment of our internet saga, which, incidentally, takes most of my time these days. First and foremost, Zika is NOT spread by having sex with mosquitoes. I admit this one slipped right by me like a gaggle of Greaseweasels in a KY commercial. Secondly, the above image is of a Plymouth Superbird, not a Dodge Charger. I immediately told Zano to change the headline, but he apparently ignored me and kept having sex with that mosquito. Yes, most of our mistakes are not in the body of our posts, but in the headlines themselves. Fine, that’s all I will proofread anymore. You try reading Zano’s shit every flippin’ day! Oh, wait…you should. It’s really good, I swear.

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