Tag Archive for satire

The Last Thing On My Mind: Was I Tripping?

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815cfcecc7a8b49b458c2e55e31cf5e4When she first came around, I was vaguely attracted to her, I don’t know why. Actually, I do know why: she had long red hair, and I’m a sucker for that stuff. Other than that, not really my type. Too thin. She was also a bit nutty, but that never stopped me before.
Anyway, a friend of mine was seeing her, but then they broke up. I ran into her at the bar one night. We drank, danced, drank some more, shot pool, drank, talked a lot, and drank. After last call we ended up at my place, smoking a joint under the back porch awning in the rain. I thought, “Well, no time like the present!” and went in for a smooch. She recoiled and said, “See ya!” and that was that.
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 Dr. Heimlich Admits To “Choking” During Patented “Manuever”

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untitledssssShady Acres Retirement Home—Dr. Henry Heimlich was in the news earlier this week after saving a fellow retirement home tenant from choking. More details of the incident are emerging that throw the famous anti-choke artist into a decidedly different light. According to witnesses, before Mr. Heimlich was able to eject the goods, a Lemony Snicket-like series of unfortunate events ensued.

“I knew what to do,” argues Dr. Heimlich, “But, look, I haven’t taken a life saving training since the Reagan Administration. I practiced one time on Johnny Carson back in the day. Sure his opening monologue wasn’t great that night, but he wasn’t exactly choking either.”

Dr. Heimlich is denying allegations he was hoping for such an event by paying kitchen staff on the side to serve unboned fish and extra-grisly meat.

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The GOP 3-Step: Create Terror, Lose Wars, Win Elections

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chicken-hawkMLLWhat do we know about Republican foreign policy? About as much as they do, nadda, nichts, zilch. We do know they want to bomb everything that moves. On that note, my friend Keith is screwed. When polled, nearly a third of our rightwing citizenry want to bomb Agrabah (a fictional Disney city). True story …not about Aladdin, the poll. We must convince the Sultans of Swing to magic-carpet-bomb the animated menace! Say what you will, but there’s probably a better argument to invade Agrabah then there was for Iraq. After all, Agrabah does pose a clear threat to greater Ishtar. If we invade anywhere, it needs to be Mulan. That little bitch is becoming a real problem. But I doubt Trump could even find Mulan, On Demand.

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ISIS Claims Responsibility For Trump Campaign

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none2mMLSyria—The head of the self-proclaimed Islamic State, Abdul Mohammed-Edlestein, is claiming responsibility for Donald Trump. ISIS worked diligently to infilitrate the Donald’s personality and promised a “really great deal”, if he agreed to work for them as a double agent. “We promised him cars and girls,” said Mohammed-Edelestein. “The usual. We did this using a series of suggestive Tweets. Join ISIS, Donald! #carsNgirls #DesertHotties4U. We promise different things depending on the region of the world, but for Americans we always get them on the old cars-and-girls routine. You see, some Republicans are fighting for us and the rest are recruiting for us. It’s win win! The cars are actually U.S. military and the girls are just us wearing hijabs (ha, ha!). We like dressing like girls, but don’t tell our creator.”

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The Great White Dope

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THEGREATWHITEDOPEWhy is everyone getting this Trump thing so wrong? Trump didn’t kill the republican party, Beauty killed the beast. Actually, stupidity killed the beast, but the death of conservatism under the weight of its own ignorance is not surprising. Today’s Grand Old Party is like that donkey Eeyore on an Alabama tilt-a-whirl—a sad state of affairs all around. Mitt Romney just told the New York Times that Trump represents a “stain on the party that would lead it to ruin.” A stain, Mitt? A skidmark the size of Brownsville would be an upgrade for your party. Fruit of the Goons?

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Not Over? Kasich Determined To Take Final Concession Speech All The Way To The Convention

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john-kasich

Columbus, OH—The Governor of Ohio, John Kasich, still plans to suspend his campaign, but he promises to deliver a second and final concession speech that “will last all the way until the convention in July.” Senator Kasich told the press today, “This isn’t officially over until I say it is. And my plan is to take a long, long time to say that.”

Critics were quick to condemn the maneuver as a political stunt, but Kasich was quick to respond, “The convention is being held in Ohio and I am from Ohio. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. I could be there, in like, an hour easy. Look, I prayed to Ted Cruz’s God and I am convinced there is some kind of divine intervention convention thingie occurring here #NeverTrump.”

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