Tag Archive for funny

An Open Letter to Senator Pat Toomey: The Constitution… You’re Doing It Wrong

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Pat Toomey Ad

Dear Mr. Toomey:

Can I call you Pat? Hey Pat, please stop that ad campaign during which you attempt to justify and seek approval for your abandonment of the U. S. Constitution. I’m tired of you telling me how it’s my choice as to who fills in the vacant Supreme Court seat. Personally, I would pick Brian Griffin from Family Guy. That’s why it’s not my, nor the American peoples’ choice. It is the choice of the guy the majority of the country duly elected to the Oval Office (twice). It is the sole decision of the Presidents Of The United States of America. I’m talking about Obama, not that band from the 90s. Millions of ImPeaches?

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Voter Suppression 101: Arizona Anecdotal? My Ass

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Count VON can't countMLYes, The Discord guy didn’t get to vote in the AZ Primaries. Voting was a shit show in my state last week, even by normal Arizona “standards”. Here was the excuse:

When you changed your address, maybe you failed to fill out the voter demographic part properly.

Uh, I haven’t moved, unless you’re talking about moving from the sofa to the fridge, which is still bullshit because I have people for that. I registered as a Dem in 2008 to vote for Obama, so those claiming user-error are mistaken. They always pull this crap. This is the GOP’s Modus Operandi, who I refuse to denigrate in this post. For our Republican friends, “Modus Operandi” means “standard operating procedure.” Republicans are Constitutionalists in the same way that ISIS is a team of archeologists. Rapers of the Lost Ark? Raiders of the Lost AARP? No, seriously, this is a question… I’m trying to slam both ISIS and Republicans in the same joke. ISIS Shrugged? There you go, Zano. I knew you could do it. Let the suppression begin!

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Liberal Calls For The Creation of Wild-Vote Preserves To Protect Last Conservatives

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untitledssBurlington, VT—Despite their inherent voter suppression, gerrymandering, and white privilege, one liberal is defending the actions of conservatives. Sandra Smith of Burlington is insisting we protect the ideologically-impaired among us. “Although they still wield considerable power,” said Ms. Smith, “the long term prospects for the Grand Old Party is dim. As their habitat dwindles, they will likely become even more desperate. We can not allow them to radicalize. They are already relegated to our shittiest states and our shittiest cities, where they will likely continue to frack things up.” Ms. Smith fears citizens only capable of regurgitating Fox News talking points will grow increasingly isolated and disenfranchised. Despite their confusion and questionable tactics, Smith believes the reality-impaired among us should not be discriminated against for their bigotry, religiosity, or anti-intellectual orientation.

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Man In Gorilla Suit Eaten By Sasquatch

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gorillabigfootML

Bend, OR—A man attempting to hoax some hikers in the Pacific Northwest was attacked and devoured by an angry sasquatch earlier today. One witness claims, “It was the most horrifyingly hysterical thing I’ve ever seen. You shit your pants, then you giggle, then you shit your pants some more, and then you giggle again. It was total side-sharting laughter.” Another witness added, “I’m glad my whole family was there to see this. I think some day we’ll all look back on this incident and say it was worth the therapy.”

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