Federalsburg, MD—Thirteen bald eagles were found dead in eastern Maryland today. Some are theorizing this was a suicide pact as witnesses describe the birds as “flying directly into American flags like kamikazes.” It is believed one eagle from each of the original 13 colonies flew to Maryland as part of a suicide pact to protest Donald Trump’s current success in the Republican nominee primaries. Either that or the eagles decided they couldn’t go on without Glenn Fry.
Flagstaff, AZ—The Tuesday before Super Tuesday is about to get even supererer as The Daily Discord is throwing a HUGE endorsement Hillary’s way. Many of my fellow contributors are clearly Berning, so this was a tough choice. My rants over the last decade are imbued with a common theme. I feel strongly that a Republican supermajority would be worse than when Kidz Bop opened for that Jonas Brothers cover band. Never again! My ultimate decision to support Hillary is twofold: 1. Hillary is one the most qualified candidates in recent memory and 2. most of her popularity problems are based on either the actions of her husband, or what we in the industry call “bullshit.” When it comes to complaints there’s very little there, there. Her main problem is her likeability. She’s a walking personality-void in a pantsuit. She makes John Kerry seem like the Most Interesting Man in the World. “I don’t always endorse candidates for president, but when I do, they where pant suits.”
In related news, the promo for Sharknado 3 depicts a shark in space with the caption: “Oh hell NO!”
Washington—In the wake of the suspicious death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, President Obama is implementing Operation: Pillow Fight. The President’s plan is to order three more pillows to remove the last three conservative justices from the bench, with prejudice. President Obama said, “There is only three people standing in the way of a liberal legislative nirvana and I think we all know who they are. So repeal and replace this, bitches. ” He then told critics today he will not require approval from Congress and can proceed with this triple homicide on an Executive Order. If this mission is successful and four Supreme Court Justice vacancies become open in the near future, the President has not ruled out nominating all of the members of Nickelback.
Washington—Zika, a disease associated with encephalitis and microcephaly, continues to spread across the globe at an alarming rate. Its main mode of transmission remains mosquitoes, sexual intercourse, or sharing needles with sexually active mosquitoes (SAMs). Pope Francis rocked the Christian world today when he announced his support of using contraception, in certain instances, to combat Zika. Unfortunately, he then clarified his statement. The Pope is essentially only approving condom use for those mosquitoes who may be carrying the dreaded disease.
“I meant, the circle of hell where they stick hot coals up your ass and demons forever eat off your tits.”
All kits come with an old fashioned lantern, a shovel, and bolt cutters! Results may vary. Void where prohibited.
