Tag Archive for liberal politics

Terminator Sent Back To 1787 To Kill Electoral College

by Mick Zano • April 28, 2018

Philadelphia, PA–The Daily Discord has uncovered a diabolical plot to alter the Constitution. There is mounting evidence that suggests that Skynet has just sent a Terminator back in time to the Constitutional Convention of 1787 for the purpose of ending the Electoral College. Some politicians are welcoming the move. Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) said, “Whatever the Founding Father’s initial intensions were, in the 21st century the Electoral College has helped elect Dubya and The Donald. In my opinion this proves the provision is irreparably broken. Ending the Electoral College through any normal constitutional means seems next impossible in the current political climate, so I commend and support the quick thinking of Skynet and their evil cyborg affiliates in this matter.”

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by Mick Zano • April 22, 2018

Towson, MD—Stanley Freed, founder of Occupy Starbucks, started his movement shortly after his wife kicked him out yesterday. This morning things quickly escalated when some pro-caffeine, counter protestors arrived from the Black Coffee Matters movement. The confrontation between Mr. Freed and the group of yuppie espressorados lasted for seven long minutes, while onlookers kept staring at their iPhones and laptops. Mr. Freed is white and the Starbuck’s manager is black—so, not liking the odds, the police were never called. The employees resolved instead to huddle in the backroom and snort Via packets until the standoff ended.

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by Mick Zano • April 17, 2018

Tweet Tower—The Trump Administration feels the current White House bus is no longer adequate to keep up with the current demand. In a speech from the Rose Garden today, President Trump said, “You folks hired the ‘You’re Fired’ guy, so this shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. I just reversed something Nikki Haley said at the UN the day after she said it. I also have Kelly, Pruitt, Carson, and many others on deck. Remember the movie Jaws? It’s like that. I looked out the window yesterday and I told my favorite staffer, Bob, or John, or Ted or something, we’re going to need a bigger bus. The biggest bus. The best bus!”

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by Mick Zano • April 15, 2018

New York, NY—Ambassador Nikki Haley minced no words to the United Nation’s on Monday, as that’s her boss’s job. She did warn the 193-member General Assembly that the U.S. is prepared for a second wave of bombing raids on Syrian targets. She said, “To be clear, the United States is prepared to take unilateral action should the Coalition of the Vaguely Interested lose further interest. It wouldn’t really be unilateral, if you think about it, when all fifty states would be involved. And we will take these actions, immediately, if any more #MeToo shit comes within a mile of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.”

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by Mick Zano • April 13, 2018

My blogvesary recently asked me, why can’t we just discuss the issues? He then implied that I’m not really good at it. There’s a good reason we can’t just do that. In fact, I’ve been trying to convey what’s happening and why for a very long time. If we have one party severed from our key issues, or credible media sources, or competent journalists, or pertinent facts, why bother? One side is simply not up to the task. Never confuse the warrior class with the thinking class. Some California liberals may have a far left worldview, but at least they’re discussing issues relevant to this planet. The answers to all of our problems lie somewhere between our most conservative Democratic politicians to the wildest left-leaning hair on Bernie Sander’s head. You show me an idea right of Clair McCaskill (D-MO) and I will show you a delusion. Everything right of her is garbage, and you know what we do with garbage today, right? We dump it in the river behind the factory.

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by Mick Zano • April 12, 2018

Rome, IT—Many are voicing their concern with the decision to “upgrade” Michelangelo’s work The Creation of Adam, which adorns the ceiling of Rome’s famous Sistine Chapel. The painting now depicts President Donald Trump and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan in the role of God and Adam. These changes took place shortly after the announcement of Ryan’s pending retirement. Those in Italy who really strive for a balanced budget seem happy with the move, but others are claiming the priceless work has been irreparable defaced.

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by Mick Zano • April 8, 2018

Amidst the Age of Ignorance, family gatherings are really starting to suck, but here’s what I’ve learned from the latest holiday gauntlet. Many of us are now facing this uncomfortable reunion reality: Hey, let’s get a lot of people who don’t agree on anything and serve them a shit-ton of holiday cheer! The demise of the political conversation has been a long time coming, but how do we protect the next generation from Republican thought? Thoughts in-and-of themselves are generally a good thing, but when it comes to the rightwing, ‘thought’ has nothing do with it. Healthy debates and exchanges of ideas are certainly the hallmark of a functional and vibrant democracy, but, umm, we don’t have one of those. Have you met President Ass-Clown Hitler?

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by Mick Zano • April 3, 2018

Tweet Tower—President Trump announced the firing of Vincent “Vinny” Gagootz and Frankie “Knuckles” Marinelli shorty after the Washington Examiner broke the story of the discovery of a body in the Tidal Basin of the nation’s capital. President Trump is calling any connection between the pugnacious pair and the body that washed ashore during the Cherry Blossom Festival early Saturday as “Fake News.” The president told the press today, “These are not the guys who hide the bodies…obviously. We are going to miss Vinny and Knuckles around here. They’re good thugs, the best thugs. I don’t think this face *cough* I mean, this place is going to be the same without them.”

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by Mick Zano • March 26, 2018

Rusty Acres—Shortly before medication time, National Security Adviser John Bolton was found outside of his nursing home, walking in circles and babbling to himself incoherently. The manager of the group home said, “This isn’t uncommon for John. He sometimes says he’s just trying to get the United Nations to ‘stir some shit up’. We usually just direct him back to his room where he can get back to sticking pins in his ‘towel head’ doll collection.”

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by Mick Zano • March 21, 2018

Tweet Tower—Rumors of the president’s rocky marriage are starting to surface as Stormy Daniels’ lawyer reveals more details of the palace intrigue. President Trump recently made the joke, “Who’s leaving the White House next? Steve Miller or Melania?” Trump told the Discord today, “Masturbating to Fox News was really getting old, especially since Megyn Kelly left. Come back to me, Megyn! I might even apologize, or at least make someone do it for me. Melania rarely stays in the same time zone as me anymore so, yeah, I called in some favors. Any port in a stormy, right?”

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