Flagstaff, AZ—Maloney’s Pub, located in historic downtown Flagstaff, has been a local favorite for many NAU college students unfamiliar with the taste of good beer. The origins of the smell—which patrons describe as a stale uriney, frat-style vomit—remained a mystery, until now…
Buckingham Palace—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is “as surprised as anyone” after learning he was able to purchase jolly old England for just under the estimated worth of the Daily Discord.com. Winslow told reporters today, “I actually took a page from Zano, I know, weird. We need to know the conservative position on everything so we can adopt the exact opposite strategy. With crisis comes opportunity, or in this case a once sovereign nation.” Winslow then went on to say, “The sun never sets on The Discord empire!” and then recited a highly inappropriate version of Churchill’s speech, before being dragged away by the authorities.
England’s Prime Minister, David Cameron, called to congratulate The Daily Discord today on their recent purchase. He declined, however, an invitation to join The Discord’s Naked Newcastle Naughty-Bits barcrawl. “I think I will leave that dubious honor to my replacement. In fact, I was actually planning to stick around until October, but now I’m planning my own rather hastened retreat. I’m calling it Optimus Primexit. Get it? Hah!”
Liberal V Delusional has always been a main theme here in ZanoLand. Instead of just covering known cognitive distortions and how they relate to today’s politics, I would like to submit my own term for beer review ….uh, peer review. I have already covered political propaganda for years, and yet I still have no idea why these techniques are so wildly effective on reasonably intelligent people. This is supposed to be the Age of Information, so how does AM radio and rightwing media still appeal to so many? Stranger still, their audiences wait frothing at the mouth for their next erroneous prediction. Assical Conditioning? Make no mistake, it’s happening on the left as well. I have stood by the mixed effectiveness of such tactics on liberals, until now. Millennials are gullible little shits and the gap is quickly closing. In fact, I think they’ve already replaced mine with a Spencer Gifts.
In related news:
Trump denies spelling internment wrong on Twitter. Merriam Webster issues a formal apology to Emperor Trump.
South Fork, MO—Cooter and Reeves had some city folks in town for the weekend, so they decided to round up the gang for the traditional Snipe Hunt initiation. As a result one person remains in cynical condition today after what many are calling a prank gone horribly hick. Snipe hunting enthusiasts insist tens of thousands of snipe hunting expeditions have ended without incident, but data to back these claims are lacking. Officials report the pair are facing a list of charges including, reckless endangerment, bootlegging moonshine, and hunting for snipe out of season. Meanwhile, officials have yet to clarify if the weapon at the heart of the investigation was a sniper rifle or a regular rifle used to hunt snipe.
Cleveland, OH—High school sophomore, Josh Milgram, drank three Mad Dog 20/20s during a class field trip and decided he wanted to walk along the railing at the Cleveland Zoo’s seal enclosure. Within a few yards he fell face-first onto some rocks, directly amongst a family of ravenous seals. Mr. Milgram brandished his corn dog and began making what witnesses claim was a poor attempt at a light-saber sound effect. As the youngster started swinging his corn-dog saber the seals became restless and started barking their protests. This is when zoo officials acted and the seals were all gunned down in a hail of bullets.
