Tag Archive for funny

Drunk Teenager Falls Into Seal Den: 17 Cuddly Seals Gunned Down By Zoo-Keeper Extremists

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Cleveland, OH—High school sophomore, Josh Milgram, drank three Mad Dog 20/20s during a class field trip and decided he wanted to walk along the railing at the Cleveland Zoo’s seal enclosure. Within a few yards he fell face-first onto some rocks, directly amongst a family of ravenous seals. Mr. Milgram brandished his corn dog and began making what witnesses claim was a poor attempt at a light-saber sound effect. As the youngster started swinging his corn-dog saber the seals became restless and started barking their protests. This is when zoo officials acted and the seals were all gunned down in a hail of bullets.

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I Don’t Think Republicans Could See A Train Coming If Snidely Whiplash Tied Them To The Tracks In Front Of One

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twinkieOfLibertyHostessHere’s Pokey’s last article, dissected into tiny segments of wrongness for your enjoyment. And, yes, it will be humorous or my name isn’t Mick Zano …and it isn’t. When conservatives accidentally stumble upon the truth they always seem to claim ownership—not like scholars and gentlemen, more like cats. We can link back to who said what first, Pokey! Didn’t we have you neutered? Try utilizing the search button at the top of the website. Uh oh… I just thought of that scene from the end of Planet of the Apes:

 

Dr. Zira: What will he find out there, doctor?

Dr. Zaius: His destiny… (shudder).

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False Equivalency Or True Hypocrisy? Mick Zano, The Hipocritic Oaf

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HYPOCRISY_METERMick Zano argues that Democrats are not nearly as moronic, harmful, and sociopathic as Republicans. As an example he sites a scenario wherein a high percentage of polled Democrats would allow refugees from a non-existent country to enter the U.S.  He feels this is a far less reprehensible position than having a similarly high percentage of polled Republicans favor the bombing of this same fictional country. This example shows the disturbing flaws in the psychological make up of many of both Republicans and Democrats alike. When confronted with perceived threats both sides tend to instinctively react without reflection, but their irrational reactions are different. When Ricky Republican feels threatened he looks to blow up the first thing that moves, while Denny Democrat would rather open up his front door, raise his hands in the air and channel Neville Chamberlain. “Come into my house. Take anything you want, just please don’t hurt me! I’m a pluralist for fuck’s sake!”

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Hundreds Of Republican Superdelegates Beach Themselves Ahead Of RNC Convention

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Baja, MX—For reasons yet to be determined a massive school of Republican superdelegates beached themselves along the Baja coast earlier today. Some theorize the burden of backing Donald Trump at the Republican National Convention was simply too much for many to bear. Today’s events throw doubt as to the relative health and competence of the Grand Old Party and it raises existential questions, such as: if you tack too far right will you eventually come to water? Theories about the deaths range from a Trump suicide pact to a synchronized swimming event gone horribly wrong.

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A Room In The Hand Is Worth More Than Sleeping In A Bush

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HoardersFour Enclosed Walls, AZ—We all have our share of bad luck, or in my case waking up in the morning. Sometimes during the worst of times housing can be the cause of your problems. Or you are having the worst of times because you have no housing. Or maybe your housing is having the worst of times. Whichever it is, housing can be a challenge, especially for single people. Don’t worry, you’ll get through these hard times and then you’ll land yourself in a steady relationship and things will get much much worse.
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Sanders Hires Therapist To Treat Worsening Campaign Addiction

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010716-roseann-bernie-bus-05The Sanders Campaign realizes they’re mathematically toast, but Bernie is insisting his zombie campaign continues to stagger aimlessly around the country in search of more young brains. Sanders told reporters today, “Remember those walkers from the Walking Dead? This is nothing like that. It’s a terrible analogy.” Some of Bernie’s closest advisors are admitting he really enjoys getting 27 dollars from people all over the country, so he can travel around with his wife on what he is calling a “second rallymoon”. Senator Sanders told the Discord today, “What I think we need to do is this: I will end the campaign today, if the American people promise to keep sending me more money anyway. That is a good compromise. Unlimited continued funding would be a future I can believe in.”

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