Las Vegas, NV—Former President Bill Clinton is back in the news today after tracking down Attorney General Loretta Lynn at Harrah’s Casino in Vegas. According to witnesses, Lynch tried to duck away by entering the restroom, but Mr. Clinton followed her right in. Both are denying any wrongdoing. According to Lynch, Bill Clinton never mentioned his wife’s investigation, but rather the two talked about the smell, how they both prefer the Fremont area of Vegas, and the disturbing lack of urinals.
Tag Archive for humor
Harbingers of Dumb? More Signs This 240 Year Experiment In Democracy Is Winding Down
by Mick Zano •
I’m kidding! The GOP has been a big pile of shit for a long time. It just keeps getting deeper, is all. Searching for the last sane Republican is tough, like finding Bigfoot on Mars tough. I’ve always referred to the last few sane conservatives with an almost cryptozoological fondness. I’m talking about people like David Frum (an old Bush speech writer), Andrew Sullivan (blogger extraordinaire) and the grandpa of the party, George Will. Where are they now, you ask? Well, Frum is still fighting the good fight over at the Beast, but even he admits his party broke from reality long ago, here. Andrew Sullivan nearly went mad trying to reform the GOP and finally stopped Dishing it out all together. And, last week, George Will announced he switched from Republican to unaffiliated. This means he may well struggle now when choosing an appropriate public restroom. Upon Will’s departure Trump immediately Tweetomized him here. I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about The GOP, but there are signs all across the globe the scheiss is about to hit the lufter.
Markets Tank After Latest EU Conference “Catered” By Dunkin Donuts
by Mick Zano •
Brussels, BE—If the German Prime Minister, Angela Merkel, was trying to portray a strong and resolute European Union today, she did nothing of the sort. She arrived at the latest EU conference to discuss the details of The United Kingdom’s withdrawal carrying three boxes of Dunkin Donuts. Sweden, Finland, and Spain did not even get one as Merkel apparently did not “bring enough for everybody.”
In Uncharacteristic Move Dalai Lama Slaps Lady Gaga Across The Face
by Mick Zano •
“I’m changing the main tenant of Buddhism from Harm None, to Harm One, which is still relatively pacifistic.”
—Dalai Lama
9th Benghazi Committee Concludes It Would Have Been Cheaper To Make Smoking Gun Out Of Diamonds
by Mick Zano •
First Clinton/Trump Debate To Take Place In Dante’s Fourth Circle Of Hell
by Mick Zano •
The Fourth Circle of Hell—Many are questioning the devil’s decision to host the first presidential debate. What’s even more disturbing for some is Lucifer’s choice to hold the event in the fourth circle. Dante’s Hell has a total of nine circles, and four bathrooms, but recent national polling indicates the majority of Americans feel the debate should be held in a much lower circle.
ISIS Claims Responsibility For Smell At Maloney’s!
by Mick Zano •
Flagstaff, AZ—Maloney’s Pub, located in historic downtown Flagstaff, has been a local favorite for many NAU college students unfamiliar with the taste of good beer. The origins of the smell—which patrons describe as a stale uriney, frat-style vomit—remained a mystery, until now…
England Purchased By The Daily Discord For A Thousand Bitcoins!
by Mick Zano •
Buckingham Palace—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is “as surprised as anyone” after learning he was able to purchase jolly old England for just under the estimated worth of the Daily Discord.com. Winslow told reporters today, “I actually took a page from Zano, I know, weird. We need to know the conservative position on everything so we can adopt the exact opposite strategy. With crisis comes opportunity, or in this case a once sovereign nation.” Winslow then went on to say, “The sun never sets on The Discord empire!” and then recited a highly inappropriate version of Churchill’s speech, before being dragged away by the authorities.
England’s Prime Minister, David Cameron, called to congratulate The Daily Discord today on their recent purchase. He declined, however, an invitation to join The Discord’s Naked Newcastle Naughty-Bits barcrawl. “I think I will leave that dubious honor to my replacement. In fact, I was actually planning to stick around until October, but now I’m planning my own rather hastened retreat. I’m calling it Optimus Primexit. Get it? Hah!”
U.S. To Save England Second Time With Specially Prepared American Meat
by Mick Zano •
Foxidation: A Form Of Brain Atrophy Linked To Fox News Viewing
by Mick Zano •
Liberal V Delusional has always been a main theme here in ZanoLand. Instead of just covering known cognitive distortions and how they relate to today’s politics, I would like to submit my own term for beer review ….uh, peer review. I have already covered political propaganda for years, and yet I still have no idea why these techniques are so wildly effective on reasonably intelligent people. This is supposed to be the Age of Information, so how does AM radio and rightwing media still appeal to so many? Stranger still, their audiences wait frothing at the mouth for their next erroneous prediction. Assical Conditioning? Make no mistake, it’s happening on the left as well. I have stood by the mixed effectiveness of such tactics on liberals, until now. Millennials are gullible little shits and the gap is quickly closing. In fact, I think they’ve already replaced mine with a Spencer Gifts.