New York, NY—During a press conference today, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump spent nearly a half an hour rambling on a wide range of topics, ranging from how talented he is to how untalented everyone else is. Finally, Trump got around to announcing his choice for Vice President, “World, I give you the next Vice President of the United States, the Governor of Indiana, Michael Pence! Oh, and Pence, you’re FIRED!” He then proceeded to pull out a Beretta M-9 out of his pocket and assassinated the Governor on live television. Trump explained his actions, “I don’t want what almost happened in Turkey to happen to me in Cleveland or beyond. These #NeverTrump people—and I hate to call them people—but these folks have some bad ideas. They’re bad. I am not taking any shit, so read my lips, No New Feces. I am therefore nominating myself for Vice President of the United States. Who better than me to have my own back? It’s two for the price of one. It’s win-win.”
Tag Archive for funny
Botanist Discovers Trump’s Hair A Form Of Aquatic Chia-Pet
by Mick Zano •
Newark, NJ—Botanist Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute & Grill, has announced his discovery today regarding the origins of presumptive GOP nominee Donald Trump’s hair. Dr. Hogbein believes the hair follicles are actually a form of aquatic plant life in the anemone family. Dr. Hogbein explains, “I have strong evidence that Mr. Trump’s hair is in fact a genetically modified Diadumene lineata, or orange-striped sea anemone. Some time ago the body of the anemone was surgically planted beneath Mr. Trump’s skull. He apparently has plenty of tiny holes in his head through which the tentacles could then grow in a similar manner to the loveable Chia-Pet. This is why it looks so natural, except the color, and can be styled like natural hair. Unfortunately, if my hypothesis is correct, I estimate the anemone’s column, or main body, has grown to a point where there’s very little room left for any cerebral matter. This might explain Mr. Trump’s Tweets. Also, with the end of the digestive tract being under Mr. Trump’s scalp, well, it brings new meaning to the word shit for brains.”
Admiral General Aladeen Denies Being Vetted For Trump VP
by Mick Zano •
Wadiya—The Trump campaign is calling the rumor that the Butcher of Wadiya was ever considered a viable running mate, absurd. Whereas Trump admits he recently showered the Admiral General with praise, the Trump Campaign never considered him on the “short list” because he was born in another country, the UN wants him for war crimes, and he’s pro-choice.
Trump Leaves RNC Chair Locked In Hot Car With Windows Rolled Up
by Mick Zano •
New York, NY—Only days before the Republican National Convention, RNC Chair Reince Priebus, was left in one of Donald Trump’s limousines with the windows rolled up for nearly an hour. The incident occurred outside of Trump Tower in Manhattan in 78° plus heat. Mr. Priebus is considered in stable condition at this hour, well, as stable as any republican can be with their current frontrunner being Donald Trump.
And This Is Anton “Checkov” Yelchin’s Other Car
by Mick Zano •
Not Again! Bill Clinton Follows Attorney General Into Ladies’ Room At Harrah’s
by Mick Zano •
Las Vegas, NV—Former President Bill Clinton is back in the news today after tracking down Attorney General Loretta Lynn at Harrah’s Casino in Vegas. According to witnesses, Lynch tried to duck away by entering the restroom, but Mr. Clinton followed her right in. Both are denying any wrongdoing. According to Lynch, Bill Clinton never mentioned his wife’s investigation, but rather the two talked about the smell, how they both prefer the Fremont area of Vegas, and the disturbing lack of urinals.
Harbingers of Dumb? More Signs This 240 Year Experiment In Democracy Is Winding Down
by Mick Zano •
I’m kidding! The GOP has been a big pile of shit for a long time. It just keeps getting deeper, is all. Searching for the last sane Republican is tough, like finding Bigfoot on Mars tough. I’ve always referred to the last few sane conservatives with an almost cryptozoological fondness. I’m talking about people like David Frum (an old Bush speech writer), Andrew Sullivan (blogger extraordinaire) and the grandpa of the party, George Will. Where are they now, you ask? Well, Frum is still fighting the good fight over at the Beast, but even he admits his party broke from reality long ago, here. Andrew Sullivan nearly went mad trying to reform the GOP and finally stopped Dishing it out all together. And, last week, George Will announced he switched from Republican to unaffiliated. This means he may well struggle now when choosing an appropriate public restroom. Upon Will’s departure Trump immediately Tweetomized him here. I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about The GOP, but there are signs all across the globe the scheiss is about to hit the lufter.
Markets Tank After Latest EU Conference “Catered” By Dunkin Donuts
by Mick Zano •
Brussels, BE—If the German Prime Minister, Angela Merkel, was trying to portray a strong and resolute European Union today, she did nothing of the sort. She arrived at the latest EU conference to discuss the details of The United Kingdom’s withdrawal carrying three boxes of Dunkin Donuts. Sweden, Finland, and Spain did not even get one as Merkel apparently did not “bring enough for everybody.”
In Uncharacteristic Move Dalai Lama Slaps Lady Gaga Across The Face
by Mick Zano •
“I’m changing the main tenant of Buddhism from Harm None, to Harm One, which is still relatively pacifistic.”
—Dalai Lama
