In Related News:
The folks over at SETI are transmitting a massive farting sound into deep space.
Tag Archive for comedy
Liberal Calls For The Creation of Wild-Vote Preserves To Protect Last Conservatives
by Mick Zano •
Burlington, VT—Despite their inherent voter suppression, gerrymandering, and white privilege, one liberal is defending the actions of conservatives. Sandra Smith of Burlington is insisting we protect the ideologically-impaired among us. “Although they still wield considerable power,” said Ms. Smith, “the long term prospects for the Grand Old Party is dim. As their habitat dwindles, they will likely become even more desperate. We can not allow them to radicalize. They are already relegated to our shittiest states and our shittiest cities, where they will likely continue to frack things up.” Ms. Smith fears citizens only capable of regurgitating Fox News talking points will grow increasingly isolated and disenfranchised. Despite their confusion and questionable tactics, Smith believes the reality-impaired among us should not be discriminated against for their bigotry, religiosity, or anti-intellectual orientation.
Trump Vineyards Releases A Very White Winfandel
by Mr. Sherman •
Man In Gorilla Suit Eaten By Sasquatch
by Mick Zano •
Bend, OR—A man attempting to hoax some hikers in the Pacific Northwest was attacked and devoured by an angry sasquatch earlier today. One witness claims, “It was the most horrifyingly hysterical thing I’ve ever seen. You shit your pants, then you giggle, then you shit your pants some more, and then you giggle again. It was total side-sharting laughter.” Another witness added, “I’m glad my whole family was there to see this. I think some day we’ll all look back on this incident and say it was worth the therapy.”
Count Chocula Dead Of Diabetes At 387
by Mick Zano •
Mick Zano Felt “The Bern” At The Sanders’ Rally: Ointment Sold Separately
by Mick Zano •
Flagstaff, AZ—The above image caused me some Facebook controversy. Not because The Discord already endorsed Hillary, which would make sense, but because I was seen fraternizing in Flagstaff with a flaming fanatical. Oh, the horror! Sorry if amidst the waning days of our democracy I want to hear a presidential candidate speak. I would love to hear a Republican candidate speak, when they learn how. Your party is nominating a fascist, so forgive me if I don’t give a flying %^&$ if America slides dangerously close to Toronto-style policies. Check please! No really, hockey’s much better than football. [Winslow: Other sports are for people that can’t play hockey] I am in no way comparing Trump to Hitler. Hitler was smart. If you liked capitalism so much, maybe you shouldn’t have broken it. This is why we don’t have nice things. Anyway, I have more important things to discuss today, like why The Discord’s anchor Bradly Bradfordson made the front page of The Daily Sun? Why was my image relegated to some Bernie Meetup group? Damn you, Bradford!
UnPresidented? Obama Using Temp Agency To Fill Supreme Court Vacancy
by Mick Zano •
Washington—President Barack Obama is using his executive authority to appoint a temporary Supreme Court Justice to the bench. The President is not interested in having a long vacancy for this critical position. Critics claim utilizing such temp agencies for the highest court in the land would be inappropriate. Republicans are calling the move “dumb” and “stupid.” They would like to expand on those criticism once Thesaurus.com is back up and running. Obama responded, “We admit this is less than ideal, but our Human Resource Department is really struggling to fill key positions of late. The judges are all covered under Obamacare, which is actually part of the problem. It really only covers on-the-job accidents that occur while legislating like, for instances, hitting your hands with the gavel, or tripping on your robes while approaching the bench. Oh, and those death panels are also covered for judges, depending on who is president at the time.”
Flo From Progressive Insurance Detained By Trump Campaign for Questioning
by Mick Zano •
Trump Tower—A suspicious piece of mail arrived at Donald Trump’s son’s apartment yesterday. The mail contained an as yet identified substance referred to by republicans as Benghazite. A few hours ago the actress from those Progressive commercials, Flo, was bodily dragged from her home in TV land. Donald Trump is calling Flo a “person of interest in the case,” but has yet to explain why he plans to detain her indefinitely. “Look, this is covered in the Patriot Act and I am the number one acting patriot.” The Geico gecko and the guys from those Sonic commercials are demanding her immediate release.
Discord’s Mick Zano Escorted Out Of Trump Rally
by Mick Zano •
North Korea Warns South Park And Springfield In Reach Of Hydrogen Bomb
by Mick Zano •
N. Korea—The Glorious Leader of North Korea, Kim Jong Un, announced today his country has a bomb capable of annihilating several American fictional cities. Jong Un stated, “We can now take out Springfield, South Park, and Toon Town with impunity. Our delivery range and new missile system is vastly improved over the Limp Dong I and the Limp Dong (and explodes on the rocket pad) II. Gotham and Metropolis are also now at our mercy. We have watched your Avengers closely and we are prepared for any counterattack from Iron Man and his minions. My country has also not ruled out striking Narnia, Middle-Earth and the Kingdoms of Westoros. Although, I may hold off on Westoros until we find out if Jon is okay. Spoiler alert! In short, my country can blow a place like Bedrock back to the stone age!”
The General who attempted to correct Jong Un on his Flintstone faux pas was simultaneously set on fire and shot (first offense).