Tag Archive for satire

Meet The New Dick ……………..Cheney

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Indiana Gov. Mike Pence announces that the Centers for Medicaid and Medicare Services had approved the state's waiver request for the plan his administration calls HIP 2.0 during a speech in Indianapolis, Tuesday, Jan. 27, 2015. (AP Photo/Michael Conroy)

Michael Pence is someone who’s been on the edge of my radar for a long time. This man is evil. His positions have always been a little too fire-and-brimstone for my tastes. There was a time when such beliefs were at the cutting edge of mankind’s collective consciousness …you know, like a thousand years ago. So what can we expect from the VP-elect? Lots of scandals, great scandals. The best scandals! Whereas Cheney was more of a Bond villain criminal-mastermind type, Pence will be more of the evangelical, holy warrior dropped-on-his-head-as-a-child-by-God type. Keep in mind, this group has a considerably lower IQ than the Bushies. Roll that around in your mouth for while. Actually, don’t do that. That’s probably how Ebola started.

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Putin Is “As Surprised As Anyone” Majority Of Americans Elected Him As Write-In Candidate

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Moscow—Russian President, and now U.S. President, Vladimir Putin is denying any wrongdoing in the outcome of the U.S. presidential election on Tuesday. The final tally shows him defeating both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump by a landslide. As a write-in candidate, Putin topped 75 million votes in Newark, New Jersey alone. After CNN called the election moments after polls opened, Putin had this to say, “Even though I am not technically registered in any of the 50 states, that I now rule over, we will leave the final decision up to the Supreme Court that I just appointed, last night. Sorry, I flunked out of electoral college.”

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Secret Service: Reno “Good Practice” For When Trump Policies Go Into Effect

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Reno, NV—Donald Trump was ushered off stage Saturday by Secret Service amidst a campaign rally after one of his supporters shouted “Fire Him!” in a crowded theater. Although the incident in Reno proved to be a false alarm, the Secret Service is hailing the event as “good preparation” for the increased challenges and risks associated with keeping a dictatorial moron safe for the next 4 to 8 years. The Secret Service will be conducting more such drills and expanding their repertoire to include nuclear drills, chemical warfare drills, as well as Rosie O’Donnell Sniper-attack Incident Exercises (ROSIEs).

We asked the head of the Secret Service, Bob, what a Trump Administration might mean for his organization. “We plan to be ready for all contingences,” said Bob. “It’s going to be like Olympus Has Fallen, London Has Fallen and ‘I’ve fallen and I can’t get up’ combined. On that note, we’re going to get him one of those Life Alert bracelets too. If we’re all partying hard in the Blue Room, we’ll just let those people handle it. We are also upgrading our nuclear war drills. Now we all crawl under the same grade-school desk for safety. It’s kind of like when a bunch of people climb into VW Bug. If Trump wins, we’re going to have grade-school desks scattered all around the White House, so we can have a safe location for Mr. Trump to tweet the nuclear codes #1234567BOOM!.”

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Chicago Plane Deliberately Burst Into Flames To Protest “Rigged Election”

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Chicago—Pilots were forced to abort American Airlines flight 383 to Miami just before take off at O’Hare Airport after the plane suddenly burst into flames. The incident was originally deemed a rare type of engine failure, however, upon listening to the infamous black box a more sinister plot emerged. The plane itself discussed, in chilling detail, its plan to self-destruct while on the tarmac. Flight investigator Bob said, “This is unprecedented. Gremlins I can understand, like in that Zone episode. Remember that? Oh, and plenty of cars seem to get possessed all the time, like in that Stephen King novel, but a plane? It makes me wonder if all those Malaysian flights were just protesting poor work conditions, or something.”

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Presidential Race In Statistical Dead Heat Among Trump Campaign Staffers

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Trump Tower—The Trump campaign is still confident of either a decisive win on November 35th, or at least a golden opportunity to cry foul. Team Trump is now flaunting a recent Donald poll as proof the race is much tighter than it appears. Donald Trump told reporters, “We have proof I’m winning. We conducted our own poll, a very scientific poll, using only the best science. The best. If the election were held today for the people in my office, as long as that bitch Betty wasn’t around, we would have this thing wrapped up.” When asked if such a small sample can really have any relevance to how the nation may vote next month, Trump said, “Sure it can. This office is a slice of Americana. We have Ben over there, who isn’t exactly black but he’s clearly darker than anyone else the room. We have both genders represented, mostly, and even one very, very short dude. The guy is practically a midget and, as you probably already know, we’re killing it with midgets, creepy clowns, and everyone else in the carnival and/or circus industries.”

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