Tag Archive for funny

WikiLeaks Update: Minus The Internet A Desperate Assange Resorts To Finger-Puppets

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assangefinger-puppetsssAssange Man Cave Manor—Julian Assange, best known for playing Eric Snowden in the after-school special Whistleblower, is totally cut off from the outside world. Desperate, he has resorted to finger puppets to relay the evils of all things Hillary. Incidentally, that is the title of episode 2 of the after-school special Whistleblower.

Assange admits finger puppets were not his first idea. “Initially I wanted to go with a charade-like version of the board game Clue. I wanted people to guess the next WikiDump. You know, like Clinton Staffer at the Trump rally with the lead pipe, or Former President on the tarmac with the Attorney General. I just wrestled with the logistics and eventually felt the whole thing was somewhat demeaning to my cause. Then it hit me, finger puppets!”

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Zano & Limbaugh Activate, Form Of Agreement

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Limbaugh had me riveted today while putting along in my rental car. The Rushinator finally proved a worthy copilot. Mark this day on your calendars, folks (10/20/16), the day after the third and final debacle …er, debate. I agreed with him on an entire segment! Don’t get too excited, Republicans, as Mayan, Greek and Norse mythology connect this event to the coming acropolis (especially Greek). Trump overachieved and Hillary brought the card board version of herself. A tie goes to the Trumpster and it was either a win for him, or a tie. Liberal anchors were stating how she creamed him and yet the dissonance was palpable. Obama, Biden, Warren, or Bernie (anyone with a liberal pulse) could have buried Trump alive under the weight of his own bullshit. Admittedly, conservative crapola does fling at dizzying speeds these days, so how does anyone tackle that one turd amidst Mr. Trump’s bullshit barrage? Why am I pissed? Trump should have suffered for his lies and he didn’t. Citizen Kaine was even worse in the VP debate. I haven’t been less excited about a ticket since Nevada passed that ‘hands free’ law. How are traveling ventriloquists supposed to practice on the road now, Vegas?! Didn’t think of that, did you! A vast number of Dems would have had a better debate performance than Madam Hesitant. For each and every exchange Obama would have crucified Trump, and he’s not even Roman.
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Trump Releases Images Of SNL’s McKinnon As Proof Hillary Has Body Double

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Trump Tower—The Trump campaign released several images today suggesting Hillary Clinton is increasingly using a body double during many of her public appearances while stomping on the campaign trail. “This is obviously an imposter,” said Trump. “The woman in these images looks much younger. Much younger. I would actually bang that one. It’s not even close. Not even close. This shows that Hillary is low energy. She’s still sick in bed and can’t even find a good makeup person to create a wrinkled old bag like herself. It’s sad. It’s sad.”

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Paul Ryan Added To List Of People Trump Will Drone Strike On Day One

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Trump Tower—Donald Trump expressed his extreme disgust with the current Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan. Trump feels betrayed by the republican establishment and is taking his ire out on one of the latest defectors in a series of vicious Tweets. The latest Tweet threatens to add Mr. Ryan to his growing drone strike list. Mr. Trump was asked about the legality of assassinating an American on American soil without due process, and The Donald replied, “I will import some soil from Mexico and when he’s standing on it, then I’ll give the order. Besides, executive orders mean I can do what I want. It’s right in the Constitution, blessed are the executive orders, or something. All the presidents have used them. Libs tend do good things with them and republicans tend to do bad things and I am running as a republican, so do the math.”

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Normalcy Bias Will Throw A Lifeline To The GOP When They Have No Business Remaining Relevant

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screen-shot-2012-06-12-at-9-14-18-amLet’s marry my ongoing GOP-ineptitude narrative with my research on cognitive distortions. Don’t worry, with jokes! The cognitive pitfall of all cognitive pitfalls is actually (drum roll) …normalcy bias! This particular distortion will play a role in November as well as our collective demise. You see, Republicans are like terrorists in that they only have to get this electoral college shit right once. I’m predicting that if Republicans do return to the White House, normalcy bias will be the vehicle that drives them there. The upcoming election and every election cycle hence will equate to one hell of a Russian roulette-style drinking game. Putin on the Schlitz? No matter how well liberal administrations limp this country along, or even manage to emulate a thriving economy, one day soon our electorate will decide to to peek behind door number two. Hint: #2 is a euphemism for poopy.

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Super Villains Across The Globe Offer Trump The “Grab This Pussy” Challenge

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Secret Moon Base—The Evil Villain Injustice League, which also spells evil, has convened on Dr. Evil’s Secret Moon Base to discuss their growing disdain for one Donald Trump. The criminal masterminds in attendance believe Mr. Trump has alienated a group of his staunchest supporters. They are now challenging the Republican nominee to Grab This Pussy. Dr. Evil explains, “It occurred to me after I thought about that old commercial with Robert Conrad. The one where he has a battery on his shoulder and he dares the audience to knock it off. My idea is kind of like that, except with death rays. Trump had our support, but he has sharted all over the same people funding his presidential aspirations. You didn’t really think he funded his whole campaign, did you? He needs to start playing to his base …his evil moon base. He didn’t only look the gift horse in the mouth, he humped the frickin’ thing right in front of us. Like that chair at the debate. Was that chair cleaned or destroyed? The people have a right to know.”

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Dems Have To Be Swiftboated But Republicans Can Now Self-Swiftboat

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Trump Tower—The Trump campaign could not be happier as they attempt to spin their bad week into something decidedly more positive. Donald Trump explains, “During the John Kerry presidential run in, uh, back several years ago, Republicans had to find a number of people to lie about his war record. They made up a bunch of shit that helped get Bush elected. It worked, it worked. Now I don’t have to wait around just to get caught off guard. I’m out in front on this one. I just swiftboated myself with my own mouth. And why not? I don’t need people swiftboating for me, like Kerry. Weak, it was weak. I don’t outsource that shit. I took the initiative and pulled this off with numero uno, all while stepping in numero deuco. That’s called multi-tasking. I guess you can say I swiftly self-shitboated myself. Yeah, take that Trumped-up trickle down, bitch.”

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