Tag Archive for comedy

The Last Thing On My Mind: Was I Tripping?

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815cfcecc7a8b49b458c2e55e31cf5e4When she first came around, I was vaguely attracted to her, I don’t know why. Actually, I do know why: she had long red hair, and I’m a sucker for that stuff. Other than that, not really my type. Too thin. She was also a bit nutty, but that never stopped me before.
Anyway, a friend of mine was seeing her, but then they broke up. I ran into her at the bar one night. We drank, danced, drank some more, shot pool, drank, talked a lot, and drank. After last call we ended up at my place, smoking a joint under the back porch awning in the rain. I thought, “Well, no time like the present!” and went in for a smooch. She recoiled and said, “See ya!” and that was that.
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 Dr. Heimlich Admits To “Choking” During Patented “Manuever”

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untitledssssShady Acres Retirement Home—Dr. Henry Heimlich was in the news earlier this week after saving a fellow retirement home tenant from choking. More details of the incident are emerging that throw the famous anti-choke artist into a decidedly different light. According to witnesses, before Mr. Heimlich was able to eject the goods, a Lemony Snicket-like series of unfortunate events ensued.

“I knew what to do,” argues Dr. Heimlich, “But, look, I haven’t taken a life saving training since the Reagan Administration. I practiced one time on Johnny Carson back in the day. Sure his opening monologue wasn’t great that night, but he wasn’t exactly choking either.”

Dr. Heimlich is denying allegations he was hoping for such an event by paying kitchen staff on the side to serve unboned fish and extra-grisly meat.

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The GOP 3-Step: Create Terror, Lose Wars, Win Elections

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chicken-hawkMLLWhat do we know about Republican foreign policy? About as much as they do, nadda, nichts, zilch. We do know they want to bomb everything that moves. On that note, my friend Keith is screwed. When polled, nearly a third of our rightwing citizenry want to bomb Agrabah (a fictional Disney city). True story …not about Aladdin, the poll. We must convince the Sultans of Swing to magic-carpet-bomb the animated menace! Say what you will, but there’s probably a better argument to invade Agrabah then there was for Iraq. After all, Agrabah does pose a clear threat to greater Ishtar. If we invade anywhere, it needs to be Mulan. That little bitch is becoming a real problem. But I doubt Trump could even find Mulan, On Demand.

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ISIS Claims Responsibility For Trump Campaign

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none2mMLSyria—The head of the self-proclaimed Islamic State, Abdul Mohammed-Edlestein, is claiming responsibility for Donald Trump. ISIS worked diligently to infilitrate the Donald’s personality and promised a “really great deal”, if he agreed to work for them as a double agent. “We promised him cars and girls,” said Mohammed-Edelestein. “The usual. We did this using a series of suggestive Tweets. Join ISIS, Donald! #carsNgirls #DesertHotties4U. We promise different things depending on the region of the world, but for Americans we always get them on the old cars-and-girls routine. You see, some Republicans are fighting for us and the rest are recruiting for us. It’s win win! The cars are actually U.S. military and the girls are just us wearing hijabs (ha, ha!). We like dressing like girls, but don’t tell our creator.”

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RNC Claims Responsibility For Widespread Release Of Zika Virus In Effort To Gain White House

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imagesSEWCQN6OnMLCleveland, OH—The CEO of Fox News, Roger Ailes, is confirming the RNC’s intentional release of Zika carrying mosquitos in swing states as part Operation Freedumb’s Bite. Republicans are concerned about their upcoming general election chances. It remains unclear if they can win on the uneducated, angry white-vote alone. With the release of Zika, the frontal lobes of liberals across the nation will atrophy as the republican base conversely widens. Mr. Ailes believes this can help republicans chances in the general election and may even boost his own news channel’s ratings. Critics of the move are calling the stunt Mosquitovellian, but Mick Zano has narrowed it down to either DEMmentia or Roger Ailezheimers.

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Bernie Sanders Captured In Rarely Seen Superdelegate Courting Ritual

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The Gables - Historic Estate in Vancouver on Sale for $12.8 Million

Burlington, VT—In an attempt to woo democratic superdelgates towards his cause, Senator Bernie Sanders enacted a little understood and rarely seen political courting ritual. The event took place earlier today at an undisclosed location outside of Burlington, Vermont. To keep with his message, Senator Sanders charged 27 dollars a plate and his wife made most of the food from scratch.  Although the impact of this event remains unknown, critics were quick to call the performance “an act of desperation”, “beneath the dignity of his office,” and “clearly PhotoShopped by imbecils.”

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