Vote, you fools!
Tag Archive for satire
Now We Get A Better Image Of The Face On Mars?! Thanks A Lot NASA!
by Mick Zano •
More is being revealed about the end of the Martian civilization (sigh).
Maybe that rover can mosey over and piss on it.
Trump Vows To Drone Strike “Jerk” In Back Of Press Conference
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—During a press conference earlier today, President Ass-Clown Hitler made it very clear that he would consider an executive order to eliminate a journalist who asked particularly pointed questions. When a second reporter questioned the president’s ability to assassinate an American citizen on American soil without due process, Trump responded, “It’s easy enough to make it a two for Tuesday thing, which is tomorrow, so watch your ass! That being the case, there wouldn’t be enough time to get ‘permission’ from the judge, who I paid off already, by the way. So next softball question.”
The Obamas Set To Lose Their Security Deposit Upon Vacating The White House
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—Upon vacating the premises at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue on January 20th, the Obamas will not receive the customary $1200 security deposit. The landlord of the White House, I guy named Mel, informed the press today, “The Obamas trashed the place. I haven’t seen anything like this since Nixon was just shitting everywhere on the way out.” Apparently the reasons for the additional clean up costs ranged from broken windows and bullet holes to intentional vandalism and graffiti. “Someone drew a moustache on a bust of Theodore Roosevelt,” explained Mel. “What’s infuriating is how he already had a moustache! I’m sure it was those two little hooligans. We call them Thing 1 and Thing 2.”
SpaceX Successfully Lands Rocket On Trump’s Ego
by Mick Zano •
Wow! And this is just the pre-inauguration festivities! For the big day The Donald is also planning to have a number of liberal journalists shot out of cannons in sync to Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture.
Ringling Bros. Closing Its Doors Forever: “Sorry, Folks, The Circus Is Moving Into The White House”
by Mick Zano •
Oz—After much ado about show biz, the oldest and most famous circus of all time will end all performances in May of 2017. Chairman and CEO Kenneth Feld explains, “I made the difficult business decision that Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus cannot continue under a Trump Administration. We have elephants, they are elephants. We have clowns, they are clowns. We can’t balance our budget anymore, and they never could, yada yada. Granted Republicans are a little more akin to a theater of the bizarre, but this industry has become like mass-producing those hobo-clown collectibles, sad and redundant.”
A Doddering Biden Accidentally Reveals Executive Branch Puppets To Alien Overlords
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—Vice President Joe Biden spilled the beans earlier today on a galactic scale. UFOlogists have waited a long time for the government’s full extraterrestrial disclosure. What happened today was both validating and terrifying for UFO enthusiasts across the globe. A reporter from The Daily Discord asked the Vice President, “If our system of checks and balances do fail under Trump, is there any stopping him?” Biden responded, “Look, if Trump screws up bad enough I have no doubt that the Galacian High Council will intervene, with ray guns and shit.”
Trump Insiders Admit To Only Thing Scheduled ‘On Day One’: Treasure Baaaaaath!
by Mick Zano •
The agenda for day two involves peasant skeet shooting.This Badly Photoshopped Image Gets Batman Placed On Terrorist Watch List
by Mick Zano •
It Always Takes A Batman To Take Out A JokerThe Daily Discord’s Top 10 Funniest Movies Of All Time
by Mick Zano •
This is the Discord staff’s choice for the top 10 funniest movies of all time: