America is hooked on a feeling. A recent poll suggests more than 60% of our country is optimistic about a future under Trump. How do this many people get dropped on their head as children? I’m talking to you Child Protective Services. Wait, I’m being told they’ve disbanded in lieu of supportive Republican legislation. Stand Your Playground laws? Seriously, how long can this methane-based reality endure? Oh, that’s right, they’re gutting the EPA. Hmmm. What is it going to take to bring these people back from Narnia? The Lying Bitch In The War Room? Somewhere I can hear Bob Marley singing: don’t worry about a thing, ’cause every little thing is going to be alt-right. Am I the only one worried about the coming Trumpocalypse? Whereas it’s true no one is actually pissing in my Cheerios, it’s only because I’m stocking up on the Malt-O-Meal equivalent, Shitty Os or something.
Tag Archive for funny
A New Dinosaur Extinction Theory Emerges
by Mick Zano •
Civilian Drone Crashes Into Trump’s Hair: No Group Has Taken Responsiblity
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—What is being called Trump’s security detail’s first major failure occurred earlier today. A civilian drone flew passed several slot machines, a cocktail waitress, and several Secret Service personnel, before becoming hopelessly lodged in Mr. Trump’s comb-over. The incident occurred in the casino area of the lobby. Mr. Trump is calling the attack “hair raising” and he plans to use an executive order to have the responsible person or persons flown to Las Vegas, tarred and feathered, and then dropped from the top of the Stratosphere Tower. Trump told the Discord, “I think that would be funny. They will lose a lot of feathers on the way down, so it will be bigly amusing.”
NowTrumpRemovesDiscord’sSpaceBar!AreExclamationPointsNext?!
by Mick Zano •
Flagstaff,AZ—Spacebar,thefinalfrontier.OurspacebarhasbeenpermanentlydisabledbyRussianorTrumpianhackers.FYI:theyarethesamethingnow.Granted,itwillbedifficulttofunctionwithoutaspacebar,butwethediscordfeeltheshowmustgoon.CEOofTheDiscord,PierceWinslow,isinnegotiationswiththeincomingTrumpAdminsitrationtoresolvethecurrentfrictionbetweenthetwoentities.Mr.Winslowexplains,”Ifwecan’tgetanywherewiththesepeoplewemightstartusingcommasinsteadofspacesorthewordspace,bolded.(space)see?(space).It(space)could(space)work(space)in(space)a(space)pinch.(space).Thebig?is:willanyonehitreadmoretoday?
EU Makes Last Ditch Effort For A Third Obama Term
by Mick Zano •
Zano Now Considered A Political Dissident: Fear Not! Trump Thinks Dissident Is A Denture Cleanser
by Mick Zano •
First Footprints Suggest Early Humans Were “Drunk As Shit”
by Mick Zano •
Ethiopian Pour-Over—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, has posited a new and controversial theory of human bipedal development. Dr. Hogbein explains, “Early man had either some piss poor balance or a high blood alcohol content. My research supports the latter. Essentially man was forced to walk great distances in the early Pleistocene, because the pubs of the time were so far apart. I believe bipedal locomotion itself can be attributed to the obvious benefits of standing during flip cup, chandelier, and several other early Australofraterneritus drinking games. We also know the precursor to beer pong was played with boulders, which may explain the extinction of the Neanderthals, who archeological evidence suggests preferred Quarters or Mexican.”
This Day In Future History: Trump Doubles Number Of Canadian Mounties Patrolling Our Southern Border
by Mick Zano •
In related news: Trump changes all GPS and road maps to reflect his understanding of direction.
Invasion Update: Alien Civilization Shifts from ‘Wait & See’ Mode to ‘Extermination’ Phase
by Mick Zano •
Rigel IV—Glacdar, head of the Orion Colonies of Galacia, alerted key world leaders today that a Galacian fleet will be reaching Earth in five solar cycles at which time its occupants will be eradicated. The Galacian overlord is citing Brexit and the election of Donald Trump as the impetus for the drastic change in foreign policy. Glacdar told the UN today, “We purchased the Earth from the Florpranglers over seven Earth centuries ago, but it was a risky proposition even then. Florpranglers are reviled across the universe for lumping numerous subprime-planets into questionable real estate packages. We were hoping you Fleepnoids would manage to pull your Pracplox out of your Droikholes, but it’s becoming increasingly obvious we will have to liquidate our assets. We will do this by liquidating your asses. Hah! That one killed them on Clamulus V. No really, 4-billion Clamulans were exterminated in that fashion.”Real News Goes Rogue & The Fake Awakens: Pizzagate Matters!
by Mick Zano •
What’s to come of spoof news in a post-truth world. It seems a tad surreal defending satire as we approach the end of our republic, but why not? This site probably won’t survive what Trump has planned for the internet anyway. 4G Notspot? Neither the folks in charge or the general public can distinguish between spoof, satire, fakeiness or truthiness anymore. In a post-truth world there’s more overlap with these newsy flavors than a Venn diagram with codependency issues. Hell, it took the rightwing years to even figure out that Colbert was making fun of them, so of course they’ll lump all these “fake news sites” into one bucket. Bucket of …hmmm. Uh, Zano, Trump doesn’t even know the difference between Shiite and Sunni, so don’t we have bigger Daesh to drone? Maybe, but this subject is near and dear to my heart and has huge 1st Amendment implications. In fact, I’m betting Ass-Clown Hitler will use this fake news controversy as the impetus to end net neutrality and sell broadband to the highest bidder. That’s called irony.