Tag Archive for funny

Trump Vows To Drone Strike “Jerk” In Back Of Press Conference

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Tweet Tower—During a press conference earlier today, President Ass-Clown Hitler made it very clear that he would consider an executive order to eliminate a journalist who asked particularly pointed questions. When a second reporter questioned the president’s ability to assassinate an American citizen on American soil without due process, Trump responded, “It’s easy enough to make it a two for Tuesday thing, which is tomorrow, so watch your ass! That being the case, there wouldn’t be enough time to get ‘permission’ from the judge, who I paid off already, by the way. So next softball question.”

 

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Ringling Bros. Closing Its Doors Forever: “Sorry, Folks, The Circus Is Moving Into The White House”

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Oz—After much ado about show biz, the oldest and most famous circus of all time will end all performances in May of 2017. Chairman and CEO Kenneth Feld explains, “I made the difficult business decision that Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus cannot continue under a Trump Administration. We have elephants, they are elephants. We have clowns, they are clowns. We can’t balance our budget anymore, and they never could, yada yada. Granted Republicans are a little more akin to a theater of the bizarre, but this industry has become like mass-producing those hobo-clown collectibles, sad and redundant.”

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A Doddering Biden Accidentally Reveals Executive Branch Puppets To Alien Overlords

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Washington, DC—Vice President Joe Biden spilled the beans earlier today on a galactic scale. UFOlogists have waited a long time for the government’s full extraterrestrial disclosure. What happened today was both validating and terrifying for UFO enthusiasts across the globe. A reporter from The Daily Discord asked the Vice President, “If our system of checks and balances do fail under Trump, is there any stopping him?” Biden responded, “Look, if Trump screws up bad enough I have no doubt that the Galacian High Council will intervene, with ray guns and shit.”

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