Tag Archive for satire

Trump To Constantly Stream Kidz Bop Compilation Of His Campaign Rallies To Cope With Scary Foreign Places

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Agrabah—In preparation of his first big boy fieldtrip to the Middle East, President Trump directed his staffers “to find a way to keep me motivated and comfortable in Agrabah and Ishtar, and all the rest of the weird scary places they’re sending me next week.” The staffers thought to themselves, what does Trump really need for this trip, besides his ‘woobie’? The answer was obvious, endless mindless adulation (EMA). Team Trump then contracted with the owners of Kidz Bop to create a supportive Trump-friendly rally compilation. Not only did Kidz Bop take the job, they were convinced a series of editions could help the president through any number of the challenges ahead, not the least of which being his pending impeachment proceedings. They are even making an edition for Press Secretary Sean Spicer, complete with Buddhist chants covers, tantric relaxation ditties, and all the songs are interlaced with the sound his dog makes when he goes home and kicks it. 

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The End Of Muppets RESIST? As Military Sweeps Through Sesame Street One Witness Describes Aftermath As “Fur Flurries Blanketing The Skies!”

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Sesame Street—Sesame Street is under siege at this hour amidst a sequence of events witnesses are calling “better than that Seagal movie of the same name.” President Trump is apparently directing his recent frustrations toward the home turf of the late great Jim Henson. Soon after the president announced his intentions to defund PBS, a Muppets RESIST movement was born. Since March several of Henson’s creations have been arrested and detained for acts unbecoming of a puppet. Today a military sweep of the Muppet home world has resulted in five arrests, countless citations, and a possible Gonzo movie deal. Shortly before the raid a witness claims the president asked a pedestrian, “Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? No really, I want to fuck some of those fuzzy little shits up.”

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Muppet World Rocked By Crazy Harry and Animal’s Failed Attempt To Blow Up White House

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Washington, DC—The Muppets Resist movement entered an even darker chapter today after beloved characters, Crazy Harry and Animal, were arrested for hatching a Guy Fawksian-style plot to blow up the White House. Rockville police report the two were arrested without incident in a sock drawer outside of Glenn Hills, Maryland. Many in the intelligence community fear the pair were not working alone and may simply be “low-level Muppet operatives.” FBI director James Comey is refusing to comment, as the investigation is ongoing, but Senator John McCain (R-AZ) is asking what the rest of the world is already thinking, “What did Kermit know, and when did he know it?”

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NK Vows To Conduct More Failed Missile Launches Than Arkansas Can Botch Executions

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Pyongyang, NK—According to both Washington and Pyongyang “the race is on!” Earlier today Kim Jong Un contacted the Governor of Arkanasas, Asa Hutchinson, and challenged him to a contest. Just as a missile exploded across Un’s private launch pad on the south lawn of Un Manor, the God of North Korea told Hutchinson, “How about round two, Arkansas? You try to execute as many people as you can this week and I will fail to launch as many missiles as I can. How many people can you set on fire or leave gagging for hours on a gurney? I can watch missiles explode all day, Governor. All day! (maniacal laughter.) Oh, It’s on, bro! The winner gets to run through Trump Tower naked.”

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Is Trump Diverting Taxpayer Money To Escape Through A Stargate?

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Tweet Tower—Scientists are questioning the large amounts of energy currently emanating from Trump Tower. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, told the discord today, “Profound amounts of energy are there and then gone again, as if a door is opening and then closing again. That’s when it hit me, he’s building a Stargate to avoid the pending impeachment proceedings!” When asked if there is any other evidence for a Trump Tower Stargate, Dr. Hogbein cited SG1 season 1: ep 3 and all of season 4. He also referenced the above Daily Discord image, depicting President Trump gazing into a time portal. The Daily Discord Photoshopper was unavailable for comment.

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FBI Obtains FISA Warrant To Eavesdrop On President Trump’s Internal Voices

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Washington—The intelligence community has continued to work diligently to determine the origin of the “voices” plaguing the president’s age-addled brain. FBI Director James Comey met with the head of the American Psychological Association yesterday and then promptly contacted a FISA judge for a warrant. Mr. Comey told the Discord today, “We need to determine if these messages are the result of a psychotic disorder, or if a foreign government has successfully hacked into the president’s brain. Therefore, I have obtained a FISA warrant to listen to the president’s thoughts. Not me personally, of course, but an appointee. I mean, F-that shit.” Mr. Trump was then informed he would need to remove the aluminum foil from his head—a tactic used to block out these voices—and then don some particularly goofy lab apparatus.

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