Tag Archive for comedy

Discord Orders Competency Evaluation After Pence Names Cheney As Role Model

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Kidding, I want a competency evaluation for the entire Republican establishment. Kidding, there is no longer a Republican establishment. Kidding, it’s established but need not be. Let me start again: our VP candidate, Mike Pence, is apparently a huge Dick ….Cheney fan. Some of you may remember Cheney as the guy touting a 13% approval rating at the end of his tenor. The man who is still giving Obama foreign policy advice despite a scathing intelligence report released this friggin’ week. Essentially this latest report identifies the invasion of Iraq as the event that ultimately threw a lifeline to jihadism and helped spread terrorism globally. It was the single worst foreign policy decision since Nam, but it will have much longer global ramifications. The world has still not recovered from Cheney’s recklessness and may never. He should not be venerated. In fact, if you still believe in the rule of law he should be hung. Maybe Pence is also hung and, if frequently aroused, this could impact blood flow to the brain. [Dick Brainy joke removed by the editor.]

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Republican Romanticism Is All Histrionics Not History

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Romanticism is an oft-neglected aspect of the delusional Republican landscape that I call the TwiRight Zone. Our conservative friends are desperately trying to salvage their legacy. Social media is awash with folks evoking Lincoln for some scant validation. Could you imagine Lincoln on Hannity? “Excuse me, young man, but I am late for a play …I know, son, but unlike you I can choose the lesser of two evils. Now if you’ll excuse me.” See? I have much more in common with Lincoln! We would both rather be shot in the head than sit through Hannity. It gets worse. Republicans can’t seem to acknowledge how our political platforms switched around the time of the Civil War. Do you really think you were the progressive types at the end of the 19th century? Really? Were you the folks creating the underground railroad, or is it more likely you were cutting holes in some sheets? Yeah, I can see the carriage bumper sticker now: KKK is OKKK with Emancipation! So you don’t fall victim to similar blunders in the future, here’s an easy trick: if it’s something that history judged meaningful or good, you voted against it.

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 Trump Ahead 12 Points With Lab Chimp Demographic

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lab-chimp

The latest Discord poll indicates Donald Trump has jumped to a 12 point lead with lab chimps and other primates. Republicans may not believe in evolution, but Trump plans to ride this wave of primate support all the way to the White House. Zoologist Dian Fossey is disturbed by these numbers, “I lived with a family of gorillas in the mist and I really thought I understood them. Now I feel it was all a lie and maybe we should go with my first idea to just process them for their ivory.” When explained she is likely thinking of elephants and rhinos, she said, “I thought Rinos were Republican In Name Only? Very little ivory in those.”

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Neuroscientist Behind Deja Vu Breakthrough Nagged By Feeling He Aready Discovered It

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 dejavumlNeuroscientists believe they have discovered the underpinnings of the phenomenon known as déjà vu. This happens when an individual gets the sensation an experience has already occurred. Unfortunately for one scientist, finding the answer has proven anything but rewarding. Dr. Stanley Whittle explains, “Déjà vu has always fascinated me. Not only the strange word and those even stranger dohickeys over two of the letters, but all the other really fun brain stuff. Essentially, it involves the conflict-checking region of the frontal lobes, but once this region is over-stimulated, well, it’s like biting the inside of your mouth. It keeps being triggered. Didn’t you just ask me that?”

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