Tag Archive for satire

Wait-Times At VA Centers Only To Discover “There’s No Funding Available” Cut In Half

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Phoenix, AZ—President Trump was all smiles today upon hearing the news our veterans will no longer be forced to wait around VA centers for days, weeks or even months only to find out no services are available. Biff Lang of the Phoenix Regional Veterans No-Benefits Office said, “It’s really simple now. There’s no funding, so there’s no sense hanging around the lobby or outside the building anymore. In fact, now it comes with a loitering charge, which is helpful for our thriving local private prison industry. More importantly it’s win-win for our veterans, who have earned a nice introduction to our penal system and three square meals a day …well, uh, two meals now that they are private facilities. They’re calling it a BYO3, bring your own third meal.”

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This Day In Future History: Trump Denies Obstruction Of Justice Claims After Ordering Mueller’s Execution

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Tweet Tower—The Trump camp is downplaying the sudden trial and execution of former FBI-Director Robert Mueller, which occurred while the president and his family were dining at his Mar-A-Lago resort yesterday. The president refused to speak on the matter, but he did mention that the meal was wonderful and for dessert they had “the best cheesecake!” Ever since Mueller’s appointment as the special counsel for the investigation into Trump’s alleged collusion with Russia, the president has been ramping up his complaints with the former FBI Director. “He was a douche,” said Trump. “So my lawyers suggested we employ a couple of my old friends from Atlantic City, Mr. Tiny and Mr. Knuckles.”

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U.S. Nuclear Subs Mysteriously Beach Themselves Shortly After Trump Command Tweet

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Emerald Isle, NC—A presidential tweet is at the heart of the investigation into how two U.S. nuclear submarines beached themselves earlier today along the North Carolina coast. Trump recently called Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte and said: “We have two submarines heading to North Korea to keep baby face, nut job in line. They are nuclear submarines, so they glow. The best glowing subs! Better than even the Philly cheesesteak. So if you see two glowing things south side of your island Sunday night about 11PM. Just wave. It’s all good.”

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Trump Derangement Syndrome And The Cocky Horror Picture Show

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What exactly is Trump Derangement Syndrome? Offhand the words ‘Trump’ and ‘Derangement’ seem like a harmonious linguistic pairing, but the addition of the word ‘syndrome’ implies those concerned about Trump’s derangement are themselves deranged. Many theories are abound and, as usual, you can click and drag the republican version of events over to the nearest receptacle icon. Ctrl-Alt-Elite? As a blogger who predicted disaster at this historical juncture, I have a theory of my own. In 2017 if you are comfortable with the state of our union, you are the problem. See? That wasn’t so hard. You can call me the father of TDS as I planned to lose my shit no matter who on the right got the presidential nod. I’ve been organizing this whole Resist-type effort for well over a decade, and I expect to see all 11 members of the Zano Nation at my rally next Friday over at Hops on Birch. BYOB. You will have to smuggle it in as Hops is a bar.

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This Day In Future History: Robots Thank Trump For Creating Thousands Of U.S. Cyborg Jobs

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New Detroit 2019—The jobs report numbers are in and the president was all smiles today at CyberSoylent Bionics Tech. Many are blaming the President’s statistical confusion on his ongoing struggle with numbers and their meaning. One of the agency’s spokespods thanked Trump for not only putting “robots first”, but actually preferring them to people. At a press conference The White House correspondbot said, “Donald Trump has technically fulfilled a campaign promise to bring back manufacturing jobs. No further questions. Locking targeting system on four liberal reporters with their hands up. Please lower your hands and vacate the premises. Thank you, citizens!” (rapid gun fire, followed by inaudible screams.)

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