Tag Archive for comedy
Frum Here To Absurdity: One Man’s Futile Fight For Republican Reform
by Mick Zano •
Dear David Frum, start a new party, sincerely Reality. To take a page from Trump, how about some 2nd Amendment options? I think your party needs to be taken out back and shot. There used to be a counterpart to liberal excesses. Back in the day, I would even talk about the sane Republicans like George Will, Andrew Sullivan, David Frum and Damon Linker. Today, it’s kind of a last man standing thing. All but Frum left the GOP (with prejudice). Mr. Frum understands why George Will recently called it quits and yet he remains bent on reforming this seemingly hopeless party. After watching the VP debate, your alternate reality is complete. You have a megalomaniacal ass-clown as your nominee and an evangelical reality-denier VP, who “won” the debate by denying everything his boss said. Nothing to see here. When it came to foreign policy questions, Pence’s views are beyond historical revisionism; it’s historical negationism. Your party is like watching the Aytollaha at the Holocaust Museum or Senator James “Snowball” Inhofe at Glacier National Park. Can I make a citizens arrest on an entire political party? Pull over to the curb, hands where I can see them (bang). Oops, I thought your Bible was loaded. Sorry, no indictment. The NRA bumper sticker was probable cause.
In Honor Of The Most Interesting Retirement
by Mick Zano •
New Inflatable Safety Feature Focuses On “Head That Matters”
by Mick Zano •
Scientists Believe Mysterious Radio Bursts May Be Limburps
by Mick Zano •
Deep Face—Scientists originally believed repeated radio bursts from space could be explained by colliding pulsars or giant rocks humping each other somewhere in the asteroid belt. This all changed recently when a scientist was able to match radio waves with a Rush Limbaugh segment on why Obama hates America. Dean Steller, head of the Chipotle Observatory over on Milton, explains, “I don’t want to Rush to conclusions. Get it? Anyway, fat radio bursts (FRBs) remained an unexplained phenomenon until one of our interns happened to be listening to Rush Limbaugh at work. He noted how several of these radio bursts appeared on our sensors at precisely those moments when Limbaugh was on a ranty roll. They matched up perfectly during particularly heated exchanges. Oh, and yes we fired the intern for political reasons.”
Aleppo Realty: Affordable War Front Properties! Yeah… That’s Not A Typo
by Mick Zano •
Fact Checkers Requesting Debate Be Extended Through Wednesday
by Mick Zano •
CNN’s Moon Base—The first presidential debate is scheduled for tomorrow night on CNN. The fact-checkers for this much anticipated event are now concerned the 90-minutes allotted will prove “woefully inadequate for the task at hand.” The head of the commission of Presidential Debates, Janet Brown, is requesting 72-hours debate extension, complete with scheduled naps and bathroom breaks. The moderator of the debate, CNN’s Lester Holt, explains, “Since Donald Trump is a pathological liar this complicates our job tremendously. Sure most politicians lie, but if everything coming out of one of the debater’s mouths is utter nonsense, we’re going to need a lot more time to fact-check in real time. Otherwise Trump could win the debate without even mistakenly saying something accurate.”
Bill Maher is on record as stating, “Leave Real Time out of this, please.”
For Final Prep Clinton Takes On Mrs. Mackenzie’s Debate Class
by Mick Zano •
Springfield, OH—Fourth grade teacher at Roosevelt Elementary School, Janice Mackenzie, invited Hillary Clinton to a scheduled class debate. Mrs. Mackenzie told the Discord today, “This is the perfect year. The kids are really obnoxious and seem almost feral. I think it’s the perfect environment to prepare Secretary Clinton for Monday night’s debate. I asked my class to study Donald Trump’s debate-style, or lack thereof, and I even promised extra points for any relevant disparaging remarks regarding Rosie O’Donnell.”
