Sierra Vista, AZ—A large caravan of immigration hopefuls is indeed tearing through Mexico in a direct line to the U.S.’s southern border at this hour. In an effort to turn Arizona blue, democrats in congress are proposing a plan to harness this untapped voting demographic. They hope to have taxpayer money earmarked for a makeshift bridge-tunnel system that will funnel this large group of soon-to-be illegal immigrants directly into key swing districts.
Lancaster, PA—Many are questioning the president’s use of the military to distribute alternative facts to several key districts in swing states ahead of the November midterm elections. The White House’s effort is a clear attempt to downplay the countless Trumpian missteps in favor of stressing the short-term and shortsighted economic benefits of gutting all of our environmental regulations in the face of extinction.
Tweet Tower—White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly is walking back an earlier statement about his commitment to stay on the job until the end of Trump’s first term. The retired Marine Corp general claims, “When I said I would stay on as Chief of Staff until 2020, I meant the ABC television show 20/20. A common mistake. Last week there was a great show on the Thailand cave rescue and I was thinking about that when the president asked me about staying on, and, well, I’m pretty sure I can stay until the next 20/20, which airs this Monday. I take pills now.”
Tweet Tower—Shortly after President Trump’s first inflammatory tweet was directed at Iran’s president, a second tweet attack was launched from deep in the bowels of Tweet Tower (aka, a staffer admits the president was going ‘number two’ at the time). The Defense Department is downplaying their attempt to set up a back channel to Twitter headquarters in an effort to cut off the president’s ability to launch unauthorized tweets of war. Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis said, “That’s preposterous!” He then made the following cryptic statement without explanation: “Omeonesay omfray ittertway allcay emay, ASAP. The very future of Earth aymay ependday onyay it.”
Tweet Tower—In a chain of events that many are calling suspicious, Trump’s Helsinki interpreter, Marina Gross, ‘fell’ from an eight story building earlier today and landed on porn star Stormy Daniels. The two women suffered only minor injuries as both of Stormy’s breasts were deployed at the time of impact. The interpreter is now conscious and recovering at Stormybroke Hospital. When the interpreter was asked whether or not she was pushed from the building, she replied, “тебя столкнули со здания?”, which we are being told means: ‘Were you pushed from the building?’ in Russian. The rest of the interview proved to be equally as futile.
It’s nice to see the president get a break from this whole Russia collusion thing, so he can collude with Russia. President Donald J Trump alone in a room with a former KGB agent? What a disgrace. Maybe we will find out the truth about today’s summit someday …from the Kremlin. But, hey, at least Trump’s latest tweet barrage made me laugh. One day soon these tweets will be translated as: Why didn’t Obama stop my collusion? It happened under his watch?! Thanks Obama, I thought this was America! #SomeCollusion. Watching the last 72-hours of the Mueller machinations vs our counter-reality has reached Theater of the Bizarre levels of absurdity. Hippogroan? Oh, and this morning I caught five minutes of Neil Cavuto on Fox. Wow, talk about starting your day off far right… I am soooo done with this shit, and you should be too.
Greenwich, ENG—After an evening of trying to forget President Trump’s visit, the UK’s Prime Minister Theresa May failed to successfully navigate the open door of a popular Greenwich pub. According to witnesses, May walked repeatedly into the wall right next to the door before finally crumpling in a heap in the entranceway. Many are wondering if the incident involved too many pints in short order, or if it signifies a shift in her political position from a ‘soft’ Brexit to a ‘much harder’ Brexit.
This is no longer a contest between left and right. Our current political conflict has devolved into a fight between a functional democracy and demagogic authoritarianism. This is what happens when half our country can no longer acknowledge reality because they’re too busy ordering extra toppings for their next ‘Pizzagate’. Bonfire of the Hannitys? Our democracy is likely to lose in this wetland Drudge-match. I’m hardly giving the Dems a free pass for this soggy state of our union. Barackish water? For the pending midterms we have the motivated misinformed vs our apathetic and slightly-autistic millennials. Sure the next generation is angry, but will they ever put down their video controllers or iPhones long enough to find a voting booth? Is there a voting app that they can download before then? Hey, let’s get the people at Kaspersky to install it and maybe get some Safe Space voting booths complete with iPhone and USB ports. Even if the libs can muster the ‘testicular fortitude’ to take back one of the chambers of Congress in November, Trump’s court appointees will haunt this nation for decades to come. Kidding, we don’t have decades. Trumpocalypse DOW?
Tweet Tower—President Trump minced no words today… kidding, that’s what he does with words. But the president did sign an important and controversial Independence Day executive order that claims the 4th day in July “is for America and America only.” Other countries located on the planet earth must honor this agreement and all world calendars must reflect these important changes by 2019, or risk additional tariffs, sanctions, and/or a barrage of hostile tweets #MakeAmerica4thAgain. Essentially this executive order demands that all countries outside of the U.S. must have calendars that go directly from July 3rd to July 5th without stopping on the fourth day in the 7th month.
*This edict is void in North Korea, Russia, and the Philippines (Turkey has an every other leap year clause).
Tweet Tower—The White House is reeling today after some of the key interview questions the president is asking each potential supreme court nominee was leaked to the press. This occurred only hours after the president announced he had narrowed the field of prospective replacements for retiring Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy to four. The first question President Trump asked of each finalist was: Do you believe a sitting president can be indicted? And the follow up question: What if he’s standing?