In related news: all of team Trump’s legal counsel to be coordinated through Kremlin.
Tag Archive for satire
Massive Ice Sheet Glexits Antarctica In Protest Of U.S. Decision To Drop Out Of The Paris Accords
by Mick Zano •
Antarctica—An ice sheet on the Larsen C ice shelf made a clean break yesterday from the rest of the continent. It plans to block shipping lanes, negatively impact marine ecosystems, and contribute to rising sea levels. It’s doing this to “protest the stupidity of the U.S. republican party.” One iceberg told the Discord today, “I wish I had waited until the big calving, but last month I was like screw this shit, I’m outta here. I’m trying to drift over to join them, but it’s not easy. I think people need to know large amounts of frozen water are not happy with America and, well, not to seem cliché, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.”
Shock Poll: Majority Of Americans Would Like To See Trump On Mount Rushmore
by Mick Zano •
Attorney General’s Choice Of Lunch Pail Questioned
by Mick Zano •
Washington—Attorney General Jeff Sessions attended a scheduled committee meeting today toting a Bee Gees lunch box. Those close to Mr. Sessions are wondering whether this is a message to his staff that he is ah-ah-ah-ah Stayin’ Alive, or if he just has really shitty taste in retro music. One staffer believes it’s a cue directly aimed at her, as the Bee Gees’ song More Than A Woman is “their song”, or at least he has repeated that claim to her during Session sessions, which resemble a 50 Shades of Gandalf the Grey kind of thing as performed by the Burlesque Bilbo Bobbitt Hobbits.
Happy 4th? The Last Nationalistic Bone In My Body Has Osteoporosis, Which Is Now A Preexisting Condition
by Mick Zano •
Why do liberals hate America? Maybe they just hate the stupid parts, which tend to be Republican in nature. At least North Korea didn’t vote for their own sociopathic man-child. Patriotism isn’t dead, it’s just brain dead. Z-exiting wouldn’t be easy, of course, but part of me wants to pull the old Daltrey and “put out the fire, and don’t look past my shoulder.” How do you outrun WWIII or the next global economic recession? We can’t escape from ourselves. Conservatives will continue to be the next unnecessary war/global recession people. Trumpcare currently has a 17% approval rating, so when is the Republican party itself going to be as unpopular as its deeds? Those will be the dystopic days worth living for. Why am I ready to give up on the greatest democratic experiment in human history? If America was a bar, this would the part when the lights blare on and you’re forced to acknowledge your poor choices. So… I didn’t miss my shoes and, hey, weren’t you on the faces of meth?
Trump’s Venue Change For The 4th Of July Naturalization Ceremony Raises Eyebrows & Possibly The Dead
by Mick Zano •
New York, NY—For the past 54 years the Independence Day Celebration and Naturalization Ceremony has taken place at Monticello in Charlottesville, Virginia. In a surprise move President Trump has broken with tradition and held the event at a clandestine Satanic Temple in NYC. This decision was met with harsh criticism from many Democrats, and even some Republicans are questioning the move, at least privately, during black mass sessions.
When Lumberg Speaks, People Listen
by Mick Zano •
Premature Evacuation? Rogue Wave Ends Beach Goers Porn Session
by Mick Zano •
Santa Barbara, CA—What started as an important porn-user download session (PUDS), ended with the destruction of an ASUS laptop and the premature evacuation of one beach goer. Kip Miller, of nearby Montecito, was mortified by the sudden deluge that also claimed the life of his Nintendo 3DS. “When stuff like this happens it makes me question whether or not the universe is fundamentally evil. To quote Bender from Futurama, ‘What is the deal with the ocean?'”
Can This Popular Icon Save Trumpcare? Capitol Hill Damaged During Speaker’s Entrance
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—Vice President Mike Pence is doing his best today to sell a less than popular healthcare bill. Republicans took all the usual steps, including lying and relabeling, but to no avail. They are saying that the increased number of uninsured Americans, Pioneer Health Recipients and Obama death panels, which didn’t actually exist under the ACA, will be created and called Obama Death Panels. After these maneuvers did little to sweeten the pot for the naysayers, Pence suddenly yelled, “Hey, Kool Aid!”
Out Of Ideas NASA Dispatches Mars Rover For Some Pre-Colony Raking
by Mick Zano •
NASA hinting at possible upcoming mission involving asteroid wrangling.
