Tag Archive for political satire

Seattle Based Amazon Denies Plan To Replace Whole Foods Employees With Brobots

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Seattle, WA—Amazon announced plans to acquire the Whole Foods grocery chain for a cost of nearly 14-billion dollars. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is already on the defensive about the move and is attempting to quell mounting fears. “Amazon is not going to dispense of shoplifters in Robocop fashion and we are certainly not going to replace workers with hipster dronebots,” said Bezos. “I admit our initial wave of food deliveries have not worked with our existing system, because it was designed for non-perishables. And, although our drone fleet will likely increase breakage slightly, it is projected to significantly reduce instances of E. coli and botulism. I realize there is also concerns our employees will lose benefits, but I can assure you our workers will enjoy constant software upgrades and periodic lubrication breaks. I would also like to dispel the rumor that we will be shifting to a virtual shopping system by the fall. Oh, and we are not changing the name the chain to CyberFoodsConsolidated.com …just yet.”

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Wait-Times At VA Centers Only To Discover “There’s No Funding Available” Cut In Half

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Phoenix, AZ—President Trump was all smiles today upon hearing the news our veterans will no longer be forced to wait around VA centers for days, weeks or even months only to find out no services are available. Biff Lang of the Phoenix Regional Veterans No-Benefits Office said, “It’s really simple now. There’s no funding, so there’s no sense hanging around the lobby or outside the building anymore. In fact, now it comes with a loitering charge, which is helpful for our thriving local private prison industry. More importantly it’s win-win for our veterans, who have earned a nice introduction to our penal system and three square meals a day …well, uh, two meals now that they are private facilities. They’re calling it a BYO3, bring your own third meal.”

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Trump’s FBI Director Search Narrowed To Six Fictional Characters

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Tweet Tower—The White House has issued a list of possible replacements for FBI Director James Comey. The list includes six fictional characters: Inspector Clouseau, Inspector Gadget, Dick Tracy, Columbo, Lt. Frank Drebin of Police Squad, and the Smoking Man from the X-Files. When asked about the obvious snubbing of Charlie Chan, Donald Trump said, “I want my cabinet to be diverse, but not that diverse. Yikes. Besides he employs more of his kids than I do. I haven’t ruled out Jackie Chan, though, so this isn’t an Asian thing.”

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This Day In Future History: Trump Denies Obstruction Of Justice Claims After Ordering Mueller’s Execution

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Tweet Tower—The Trump camp is downplaying the sudden trial and execution of former FBI-Director Robert Mueller, which occurred while the president and his family were dining at his Mar-A-Lago resort yesterday. The president refused to speak on the matter, but he did mention that the meal was wonderful and for dessert they had “the best cheesecake!” Ever since Mueller’s appointment as the special counsel for the investigation into Trump’s alleged collusion with Russia, the president has been ramping up his complaints with the former FBI Director. “He was a douche,” said Trump. “So my lawyers suggested we employ a couple of my old friends from Atlantic City, Mr. Tiny and Mr. Knuckles.”

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U.S. Nuclear Subs Mysteriously Beach Themselves Shortly After Trump Command Tweet

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Emerald Isle, NC—A presidential tweet is at the heart of the investigation into how two U.S. nuclear submarines beached themselves earlier today along the North Carolina coast. Trump recently called Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte and said: “We have two submarines heading to North Korea to keep baby face, nut job in line. They are nuclear submarines, so they glow. The best glowing subs! Better than even the Philly cheesesteak. So if you see two glowing things south side of your island Sunday night about 11PM. Just wave. It’s all good.”

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