Tag Archive for funny

Trump’s FBI Director Search Narrowed To Six Fictional Characters

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Tweet Tower—The White House has issued a list of possible replacements for FBI Director James Comey. The list includes six fictional characters: Inspector Clouseau, Inspector Gadget, Dick Tracy, Columbo, Lt. Frank Drebin of Police Squad, and the Smoking Man from the X-Files. When asked about the obvious snubbing of Charlie Chan, Donald Trump said, “I want my cabinet to be diverse, but not that diverse. Yikes. Besides he employs more of his kids than I do. I haven’t ruled out Jackie Chan, though, so this isn’t an Asian thing.”

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This Day In Future History: Trump Denies Obstruction Of Justice Claims After Ordering Mueller’s Execution

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Tweet Tower—The Trump camp is downplaying the sudden trial and execution of former FBI-Director Robert Mueller, which occurred while the president and his family were dining at his Mar-A-Lago resort yesterday. The president refused to speak on the matter, but he did mention that the meal was wonderful and for dessert they had “the best cheesecake!” Ever since Mueller’s appointment as the special counsel for the investigation into Trump’s alleged collusion with Russia, the president has been ramping up his complaints with the former FBI Director. “He was a douche,” said Trump. “So my lawyers suggested we employ a couple of my old friends from Atlantic City, Mr. Tiny and Mr. Knuckles.”

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U.S. Nuclear Subs Mysteriously Beach Themselves Shortly After Trump Command Tweet

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Emerald Isle, NC—A presidential tweet is at the heart of the investigation into how two U.S. nuclear submarines beached themselves earlier today along the North Carolina coast. Trump recently called Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte and said: “We have two submarines heading to North Korea to keep baby face, nut job in line. They are nuclear submarines, so they glow. The best glowing subs! Better than even the Philly cheesesteak. So if you see two glowing things south side of your island Sunday night about 11PM. Just wave. It’s all good.”

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Trump Derangement Syndrome And The Cocky Horror Picture Show

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What exactly is Trump Derangement Syndrome? Offhand the words ‘Trump’ and ‘Derangement’ seem like a harmonious linguistic pairing, but the addition of the word ‘syndrome’ implies those concerned about Trump’s derangement are themselves deranged. Many theories are abound and, as usual, you can click and drag the republican version of events over to the nearest receptacle icon. Ctrl-Alt-Elite? As a blogger who predicted disaster at this historical juncture, I have a theory of my own. In 2017 if you are comfortable with the state of our union, you are the problem. See? That wasn’t so hard. You can call me the father of TDS as I planned to lose my shit no matter who on the right got the presidential nod. I’ve been organizing this whole Resist-type effort for well over a decade, and I expect to see all 11 members of the Zano Nation at my rally next Friday over at Hops on Birch. BYOB. You will have to smuggle it in as Hops is a bar.

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This Day In Future History: Robots Thank Trump For Creating Thousands Of U.S. Cyborg Jobs

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New Detroit 2019—The jobs report numbers are in and the president was all smiles today at CyberSoylent Bionics Tech. Many are blaming the President’s statistical confusion on his ongoing struggle with numbers and their meaning. One of the agency’s spokespods thanked Trump for not only putting “robots first”, but actually preferring them to people. At a press conference The White House correspondbot said, “Donald Trump has technically fulfilled a campaign promise to bring back manufacturing jobs. No further questions. Locking targeting system on four liberal reporters with their hands up. Please lower your hands and vacate the premises. Thank you, citizens!” (rapid gun fire, followed by inaudible screams.)

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Trump To Constantly Stream Kidz Bop Compilation Of His Campaign Rallies To Cope With Scary Foreign Places

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Agrabah—In preparation of his first big boy fieldtrip to the Middle East, President Trump directed his staffers “to find a way to keep me motivated and comfortable in Agrabah and Ishtar, and all the rest of the weird scary places they’re sending me next week.” The staffers thought to themselves, what does Trump really need for this trip, besides his ‘woobie’? The answer was obvious, endless mindless adulation (EMA). Team Trump then contracted with the owners of Kidz Bop to create a supportive Trump-friendly rally compilation. Not only did Kidz Bop take the job, they were convinced a series of editions could help the president through any number of the challenges ahead, not the least of which being his pending impeachment proceedings. They are even making an edition for Press Secretary Sean Spicer, complete with Buddhist chants covers, tantric relaxation ditties, and all the songs are interlaced with the sound his dog makes when he goes home and kicks it. 

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The End Of Muppets RESIST? As Military Sweeps Through Sesame Street One Witness Describes Aftermath As “Fur Flurries Blanketing The Skies!”

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Sesame Street—Sesame Street is under siege at this hour amidst a sequence of events witnesses are calling “better than that Seagal movie of the same name.” President Trump is apparently directing his recent frustrations toward the home turf of the late great Jim Henson. Soon after the president announced his intentions to defund PBS, a Muppets RESIST movement was born. Since March several of Henson’s creations have been arrested and detained for acts unbecoming of a puppet. Today a military sweep of the Muppet home world has resulted in five arrests, countless citations, and a possible Gonzo movie deal. Shortly before the raid a witness claims the president asked a pedestrian, “Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? No really, I want to fuck some of those fuzzy little shits up.”

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