Tweet Tower—On day one President-elect Donald Trump plans to close the controversial Arkham Sanitarium and tear down the Batshit signal once and for all. Many are now questioning The Donald’s motives as these items were not among his many campaign promises. The closing of Arkham is being met with bipartisan criticism as the facility contains some of the most psychiatrically unstable individuals in the country. Mr. Trump is denying allegations the asylum is empty now because many of the residents have already been chosen for a wide array of important cabinet positions. Donald Trump argued, “That’s just a coincidence. Sure I picked some talent from that side of the tracks and, spoiler alert, my Secretary of State is currently in isolation in their forensic unit. This guy is the best diplomat. The best. Other country’s will fall into line, otherwise he does this cool little candygram thing with the ambassador’s corpse.”
Tag Archive for comedy
Trump Clears Up Time’s Devil Horns Controversy: “The Horns Were Given To Me By Satan”
by Mick Zano •
“Lucifer said I am his best guy. His best. And soon my horns will be so bigly even my hair won’t be able to hide that shit.”
—The Donald
The Heat Miser Gets The Nod To Head EPA
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—In a move that many are calling passive aggressive, Trump has “changed his mind” on who he plans to have head the Environmental Protection Agency. Earlier today the President-elect announced Oklahoma Attorney General Scot Pruitt would be filling this position, but the wave of backlash prompted a series of presidential tweets and ultimately a reversal. In the new Rose Garden Tweet Forum, Mr. Trump just announced that the infamous Heat Miser is “the best marionette for the job.”
Surviving Actors And Entertainers Huddle In Death-Proof Subterranean Bunker For Remainder Of 2016
by Mick Zano •
Hollywood, CA—The last surviving members of the Screen Actors Guild are holed up in a an undisclosed location, where they hope to thwart the actions of the Grim Reaper for the remaining days of 2016. Death, who was recently nominated as the Times Person Of The Year, is reportedly “really trying to clench that shit.” In desperation, the film and entertainment industry is striking back, by burrowing. Liberal actors have worked closely with some Bond and Batman villains to create a safe-space, deep in the earth’s crust.”
Trump Wall Mistakenly Built Around Mexican Hat, Utah
by Mick Zano •
Mexican Hat, UT—The 27 residence of Mexican Hat, Utah were shocked by the commotion early Monday morning. Many community members report being awoken to the work of hundreds of Mexicans, busily erecting a giant structure around their town. Mayor Bob was flabbergasted and dumbfounded. “I know those are both synonymous,” said Mayor Bob, “but it’s still true. We are 600 miles from the Mexican border. I don’t know how this will stop immigration. What this will do is negatively impact all five of our businesses here in town. He’s not even president yet, so what does that asshole think he’s doing? Mr. Trump tear down this wall!”
Founding Father Has Message For Floundering Mother F**kers
by Mick Zano •
Bannon: Unsure If He Can Hide The Hitler Mustache For Next Four Years
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—Donald Trump’s chief White House strategist, Stephen “Steve” Bannon is unsure if his finger will be enough to hide his small Hitler-style mustache throughout the entire Trump Administration. Mr. Bannon, best known for a slew of disreputable websites such as Breitbart.com, told The Discord, “I have been using several techniques to cover the stashe, such as the cough, sneezing fit, or, for long meetings, epic prayer stance. I was thinking about just buying the smallest spit mask I can find on eBay. It would hide the Hitler mustache and, let’s face it, a spit mask is Trumppropriate. That’s a word now, well, it will be when Trumpipedia replaces those Wiki fucks. In fact, I think he’s going to make his Secretary of State where steampunk goggles and a mohawk. This is going to be a badass administration, or just bad and ass.”
U.S. To Annex Canada Once Trump Learns Meaning Of Word ‘Annex’
by Mick Zano •
Trump Hints At Cabinet Positions For Ogie Ogilthorpe, Screaming Buffalo, And Tim “Dr. Hook” McCracken
by Mick Zano •
America Has Transitioned From Deafcon-2 (Post-truth) to Trumpcon-1 (Post-political)
by Mick Zano •
This isn’t about healing anymore, it’s about collapsing. I’m afraid that’s the only trick left in the republican bag of tricks. Speaking of bags, why not stuff your political party into one, light it on fire, and leave it in on someone’s porch? I would say ‘wake up’, but it’s probably best to stay asleep at this point. Trumptophan? In 2017 why bother having a political opinion at all? Our political fortunes are akin to Sartre and Camus collaborating on a country western song during a Walking Dead episode. So let’s focus on what matters now, hoarding Ramen. If you’ve read some Zano, my political posts are essentially a funny, yet damning indictment of the party that will eventually be our undoing. Despite my 11 followers, the political right has grown into the strong, delusional force that we see today. It’s not histrionics to say we’re history. Them’s the facts. Now that the republicans have a super majority, let’s channel some Zevon as our ride is here. So I propose a toast, to being toast!