But Spock, there’s a cool pub near there!
Tag Archive for funny
Bugs Bunny Speaks Out On Charlottesville
by Mick Zano •
Chicken & Waffling? Trump Rolls Back Threat To “Nuke Chicken Currently Stalking White House”
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—President Trump ordered the giant chicken parked near the White House to “stand down, or risk a tweet and profanity storm not seen on this planet since Monday.” The chicken appears to be unfazed by the president’s threats and continues to loom menacingly nearby. Secretary of Defense General James Mattis told the Discord, “This situation is contained, so there is no nuclear option on the table. I believe the president was referring to a microwavable chicken nugget and a picnic table.” General Mattis later added, “This President is not a chicken hawk, but I’ll admit his comments are rather half-baked, and you should really try to avoid that with chicken. Speaking of which, if you can get salmonella from a chicken, why can’t you get chicken pox from a salmon? That always bothered me.”
Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller Spotted In Sam’s Club Buying Indictments In Bulk
by Mick Zano •
Rockville, MD—Special Prosecutor Bob Mueller was seen leaving a Sam’s Club in Rockville Maryland pushing a shopping cart full of indictments and subpoenas. An unnamed source believes the special counsel-led investigation has expanded to the automotive and hardware sections. In a rare public statement, Mueller told the Daily Discord, “I was thinking about going to Out-of-Office Max or Indictments-R-Us, but then I was I like, Fuck it, I need to get gas too.”
Can This Latest Intervention Save This Administration From Intellectual And Moral Ruin?
by Mick Zano •
Putin No Longer Russian To Trump’s Defense?
by Mick Zano •
Pence Agrees To Emergency Transfusion To Help Balance The President’s Cerebrospinal Fluid
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—At the top of Trump Tower, to the backdrop of thunder and lightning, two Democratic Senators met secretely with Vice President Mike Pence yesterday. Senators Franken and Feinstein urged Mr. Pence to consider finding a way to help stabilize the president’s erratic behavior. They pitched their daring plot to restore some semblance of balance to the president’s temperament and brain function. Senator Al Franken (D-MN) told the Vice President, “This is not a left right thing, this is more of a the-president-of-the-United-States-is-batshit thing.”
Trump Still Unsure Of Russia Meddling, The Word Collusion, Or Where That Little Bathroom Is Near The Roosevelt Room
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—On Monday Senior Adviser Jared Kushner announced his lack of any Russian connections, any collusion of any kind, or any real interest in Russia whatsoever, up to and including where it is located on a map. President Trump told the press today he is “proud” of his son-in-law’s ability to read a prepared statement as well as his stated lack of map-reading prowess. He then insisted the White House food “sucks” compared to his Mar-a-Lago resort, and how there are “so many bathrooms in the White House, I have yet to #2 tweet in all of them. Sad. #TwitterShitter. Speaking of draining the swamp, I need some Drano here! In the bathroom by the painting of Dolly Parton!”
Sessions Sent On Quest To Find Lost Hillary Emails @MountDoom.com
by Mick Zano •
Middle-Jersey—President Trump is caught between a rock and a cave troll regarding the fate of his Attorney General. If he fires Jeff Sessions outright it will trigger a fire swamp. So aides claim the president concocted a quest for him to retrieve Hillary’s missing emails from the Server King. President Trump told the press today, “It was either that or have him investigate who keeps peeing on the Keebler Elf tree, but that’s probably just Bannon. This journey is a better one. It should take him hundreds of beleaguers away. See what I did there?”
Trump Mulls Lowering The Voting Age After “Crushing It” During Boy Scout Speech
by Mick Zano •
“I want to see every one of you at my next inauguration in 2020. No, really, we have your names now.”
