Tag Archive for funny

Man Trapped On Whataburger Roof Calls 911 For Rising Cholesterol Levels

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Houston, TX—Justin Russell of Bellaire remains trapped on a Whataburger rooftop since Hurricane Harvey savaged the Houston area last Friday. The man claims to be struggling with weight gain, lethargy, and excessive flatulence. He told the Discord, “Look, I’ve watched the film Supersize Me, so I know I don’t have a lot of time! I can feel my arteries hardening as we speak. I tried to catch some fish with a snelled onion ring and some Whatachick’n bites, but the Metro Houston fish still seem spooked. I am on the top of the Whataburger on 4th! The message on the roof says Send Whole Foods! You can’t miss it.”

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Gulf Region Issues Restraining Order Against Hurricane Harvey

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Cameron, LA—Hurricane Harvey is back in the news today and stirring up trouble along the Gulf Coast of the United States. The state of Louisiana is attempting to reassure its residence the storm will be court-ordered to stay at least a 1,000 feet away from land. When asked about the return of the tropical depression, Cameron resident Pam Hearse said, “I don’t care if he is depressed, this is no way to act. Oh, and I hate it when a guy cries during a breakup. But this guy, holy shit?! We’re going to need an ark and two of every swamp critter.”

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Man Makes 350 Mile Mecca From Louisiana To Flooded Area Of Houston With Restored Katrina Bus

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Houston, TX—At the onset of Hurricane Harvey, Katrina-survivor and crazy person Jake “Jakey” Thompson drove his refurbished school bus all the way from his home in New Orleans’ Lower Ninth Ward to a heavily flooded area of downtown Houston. Upon arriving in the metro area, Thompson careened wildly through some flooded streets before attempting what witnesses are calling a ‘wet bus doughnut.’ Eventually the bus stalled in several feet of water, in a handicap zone. Emergency personnel were able to rescue Mr. Thompson, but upon hearing of his adventure, in painstaking detail, they resolved to drop him back off on the roof of his bus with some bottled water and a half-eaten granola bar.

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Sun God Apollo Claims Responsibility For Provocative Path Of Monday’s Eclipse

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Mount Olympus—Apollo, the Roman God of the Sun, has taken responsibility for both the track of this week’s solar eclipse as well as the message it was meant to convey to all Americans. Apollo minced no words, “Up yours, United States! You have got to be the stupidest civilization we Olympians have ever visited, and you have no idea how much we get around. We are like that Beach Boy’s song meets the Whore of Babylon. As I directed my fiery chariot behind the moon, I thought, let’s send these fools a message that even they can understand. Oh, and then I waved when I got over the D.C. area, because I knew Ass-Clown would probably look up.”

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Much Like A Cuff And Ropeless S&M Club, Republican Ignorance Knows No Bounds

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Many have asked, why do Republicans consistently vote against their own interests? CNN’s Fareed Zakaria just did a special on Why Trump Won, yet he only made a passing reference to the real culprit, namely, our tailored and targeted media. In 2017 the rightwing ‘Bubble’ can now subsist on little to no factual sustenance whatsoever. It’s like when marine biologists first discovered colonies of sea life leaching off volcanic vents, far away from the light. Thermal rants? Instead of seeking the consensus in a given field of knowledge, our conservative friends seem content to forever find that one rogue professional who supports their crapola. You know, that one dentist in ten who thinks brushing your teeth is bad for oral hygiene. Book that guy on Hannity and then watch the ensuing Breitfart headline: Pro-Cavity Dentist Destroys Lib Dental Hygienist!

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Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller Finds Actual Smoking Gun At White House

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Tweet Tower—Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller said he was “as surprised as anyone to find a bonafide gun still emitting smoke not a hundred feet from the Oval Office.” During a preliminary sweep of the building, Mueller also found empty beer cans, a live chicken, and an inflatable sheep. “None of these are in and of themselves indictable offenses,” said Mueller, “but they are still worth mentioning. And, yes, it looked as if the sheep had been violated.”

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Virtual Shark Speaks Out for First Time After Phelps-Shark Race Debacle

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Vinny the virtual Shark starred in last month’s Shark Week along with Olympian Michael Phelps. Vinny agreed to an exclusive Discord interview to express his frustration with the controversy surrounding his appearance. Many viewers were upset the race was not, as billed, between Michael Phelps and a real shark. In a voice not unlike Stephen Hawking, Vinny said, “Why would people think a non-virtual shark would swim in a straight line to race a human, while ignoring said food source? I know you’re not marine biologists, but you’re not morons either …or are you?”

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